In the dark, quiet corner of a bedroom in a small tall house somewhere in Clapim-Codpiece, Kuwait, a man aged in his 30's was crouched, cowering which was strange 'cos he lived in 'No-Corner-Lighthouse' which as the title suggests had no corners. The man was wearing a purple rabbit suit with beer stains down the front, obviously he'd been or was going to fancy dress party, but why was he crouching in the corner ?.
The man's name was Frankie Dipplethwait and had lived in the lighthouse for nearly 16 years, today or tomorrow was his 31st Birthday and nobody had turned up for his party. Frank' decided in a fit of depression to get totally blitzed. Why did no-one turn up ?. He then thought to himself as he had no one else to think to, there must be some reason why. Just as he was finishing his 6th can of Tennants super stength lager because Neil Tennant of the Pet Shop Boy's couldn't drink it because he's a big ginger beer so he didn't mind so much, followed by some rather intriguing cocktails consisting of home made seaweed and fish wine mixed with 1 part lighter fluid and 2 parts detergent (any type will do, if you can get industrial stength so much the better).
So after he had downed a few of these there was a loud rap at the door.
"Oh Glee of glee's " he said to himself, " This must be my friends from Brooklyn".
He opened the door to find a five piece all American, 'loud as
you can take it' Rap band, headed by M.C. Crowbar.
"Hey there Frankie my main man, how's it hangin' bro ?".
" M.C ! you don't know how glad I am to see you" said Frank with a relieved look in the midriff of his Rabbit suit.
After talking for a short time Frank realised he had been premature in
his celebrations,he had been a day early for his own birthday party.
Only because he'd forgotten he had amnesia. This had happened when he slipped on a penguin and hit his head on a sunken ship, but this didn't explain how he remembered MC.Crowbar and his posse. Things were becoming strange, strange and even stranger....
Also, how did he know he was a day early for his own birthday party if he had amnesia....plus the fact that he's with himself all the time, so how can he ever be early? The rap band couldn't have told him 'cause they obviously thought it was today, or they wouldn't have come until tomorrow.....
That damn penguin was the cause of all this. Maybe it was still holding a grudge after it's little experience with David Attenborough and his 'KY' jelly.
"Hey geeze why don't we rap our problems away", said Crowie, who was reaching for his big thang.
"Great idea..are you ready ? 1,2 a 1,2,3,4" the 6 of them began to make funny thud thud scratchy sounds.


Frankie began...."I was standing at the corner just a wastin' my
time,
when I realised I was the king of the rhyme,
I got on the microphone and what do you see,
the rest is my legacy - 'cause I'm a..
crap rappin'
I've told you before
I'm a botty slappin'
Let me give you some more,
I'm a p*** flappin'
sheep sh***in'
mother f***in'
crap rapper
I say I'm a crap rapper (he's a..)
Crap rapper....

I say I'm a crap rapper (he's a..)
f***in' slapper....

M.C Crowbar then took over...

"No you're not.."

Frankie continued...
"My breath is smelly and my teeth are green,
I'm the crappest crap rapper you've ever seen,
In my Rabbit suit I like to push my luck
cos' I'm a crap rapper and I'm hard as f***.

I'm a crap rappin' (What you say?)
I'm a c** lappin' (What you say?)
I'm a pun jabbin' (What you say?)
I'm a turkey slappin'(What you say?)
I'm a bottle cappin' (What you say?)
I'm a lazy f***in' (What you say?)
I'm a sh*t stabbin' (What you say?)
I'm a good lookin' (Don't get carried away!)
I'm a crappin' crap rapper!"

The rap faded out to silence that had never been silenced before.
The rappers were awed by the untapped talents of Frankie MC Dipplethwait...
"That was absolutly and magnificantly super, I never knew you had it in you Frankie me ol 'Spud u Like" said Crowie with a look of total bewilderment...
"Who taught you ?"
"Who taught me what ?" he had forgotten again.
"We're going to have to do something about you memory Frankie 'ol son, you can't leave this talent of hard core rappin' to fester in your black hole of a brain".
Crowie thought hard and scratched his plums..
"M.C Brace n' Bit, you've done a bit memory training have'nt you?"
Bracie nodded which was hard for Bracie as he had a massive chin that hit his chest painfully when he nodded.
"Owwww my nipple," said Bracie he'd forgotton to shave that morning and had now sandpapered his right nipple off. With one finger stopping the bleeding from the nipple Bracie said drippingly.
"Yes, It's easy; all you have to do is.....".
At that point an enormous crash was heard on the other side of the room. It was Frankie, he was about to leave the room to go for a pee when he forgot that doors had to be opened and he had now walked into a door and broke his nose, as well as pissin'his kex.....
"I've had enough of this, I think I will...err sh*t! I 've forgot again".
The amnesia was getting worse.There was only one thing to do, but Frankie had fogotten it.
Just then DJ Tongue'n'Groove so called because of his especially large, fleshy, muscular, mouth organ and it's rhythmic abilities whilst 'scratchin' records came up with a good idea,"Why don't we recreate the incident that caused Frankie to have amnesia ?".
"Waddya mean man" said Bracie who was still nursing the wounded projection in the centre of his breast.
"What I mean Bracie is, if we do exactly the same thing to Frankie he'll get his memory back".
So off they went in search of a penguin, Not realising that there are none in Kuwait not since the Iraqi f***in' military blew the zoo animals to pieces.
Disheartened they returned to the Lighthouse and decided to have a cold beer. On opening the fridge Bracie noticed some famous chocolate bars and had a brainwave.
"Why don't we use a twix instead ?"
"For what said Frankie" who was now getting beyond a f***in' joke.
"Well, we can sellotape the TWIX to the floor and with a bit of luck he'll trip over it.."
"That's very clever, but where are we going to get a sunken ship to hit me over the head with you dumb wop ?" said Frankie who'd forgotten that it's not too clever to say things like that when surrounded by half a basketball team.
"Well what if we hit you with a wet plank of wood instead?"
This sounded like quite a ludicrous marrow, but at the time seemed the only possible answer..
"It might just work captain!" said Scotty in his lovely red sweater.
Things were starting to get peculiar. MC Brace n' Bit was still holding his swollen nipple.
"Has anyone got a bulldog clip?" he enquired. The posse rumaged through their kinky boots but to no avail.
"No," said Bungle, but I've got a airfix model of a Triceretops that hasn't quite been finished yet, if that's any good ?."
"Don' be talking sh*t round me, yu jive ass turkey!" interupted MC Rusty Circular Saw. "and don't be feedin' jive to my home boys, no wot I'm sayan' ya big jalloting furry mo fo!."
MC Rusty Circular saw was pissed off with whole situation and couldn't give a rats bollock about Frank especially when the little sh*ts pissed, he can become a right obnoxious little turd after cocktails of detergent, the smell of pine was making Rusty feel sick.
"Oh my curtain hooks that smell gonna make me puke," said Rusty in a sick kinda way, then up it came..."UGHHHHHHH," the vomit flew.
"I'l get you something to puke in" said Frankie who was rushing towards the kitchen, then BANG! Frankie slipped in the sick with crash that would flatten even a big un-flattable thing.
"Sh*t are you alright dude ? " said Crowie trying to un-un-flatten the un-flattable thing.
"What? ohhh my head"said Frankie in a daze "how long have I been Kylie Minogue? was I cute in Neighbours or what? Frankie was helped to his feet by Crowie and DJ Gimme a nail.
"What are you talkin' about man ,? you're not Kylie" said Crowie, somewhat puzzled, the both of them then started to slap him around the face to try and wake him from the daze.
"Stop that you pommie sh*ts" They both stopped.
"Are you feeling OK Frank ? " said Gimme' Frank then started singing a few verses of `I should be so Lucky,lucky,lucky,lucky and prancing around the room like geriatric purple bunny.
"Leave 'im alone he'll burn him self out soon"said Crowie "Either that or we'll kill him if he sings that sh*tty song again"
"I'm bored sh*tless can't we kill him now?"said Tongue with a blood curdling grin. He always hated Frank since Frankie paid Tongue a visit whilst he was in Brooklyn for a convention of Christian Understanding of New Theology or C.U.N.T's for short. This was an organisation to which Frankie was devoted and this is why Tongue hated his guts. For it was on the last visit that Frankie invited Tongue to come an attend the gathering with him, now Tongue was an easy going guy unless he was pushed too far.
They arrived at the huge arena with thousands of other's. On the stage was a bloke who after a while and lots of sh*t being spaketh unto the crowd decided that it was audience participation time and he needed a volunteer, so Frankie volenteered; not himself but Tongue. Before Tongue could say..........
"The Lord is my shepherd" or "What the jeezis f***in' Christ is goin' on here man", which is what he did say, after he was jostled up on stage where a
microphone had been left on. So after his outburst he was made to repent his sins in a most unusual way.
Four big, burly, butch, window cleaners grabbed Tongue and threw him over a table, tieing his hands to the legs. Then a woman dressed in a Scuba outfit, proceeded to smear his bare bottom in camomile lotion. That was where the crunch was, because he was impailed with a pictured frame photo of Max Bygraves in his early twenties. He let out a small 'hmphhh' and a small smile.
This wasn't to last though as he was forced to sing 'THE LOVE BOAT' whilst his head was immersed in rasberry jam.
"Right, pull the sinner up!" screamed the bloke (whose real name was Wilbur, but preferred people to know him as Master, for obvious reasons)
"Say RED LORRY, YELLOW LORRY boy!" he yelled.
Tongue did as he was bid, but none too happy, as he wasn't chuffed with the
way things were going for at the time.
"Now boy. Say I'M A MOOSE AND I LIVE IN A HOOSE!"
"I'm a mouse and I live in a house", he repeated.
"Blasphemer!!" the Master screamed.
"You know what I said, I'm not Scottish you know."
"Now shout it out loud, or burn in Sainsburys with all the other Satanists..."
Tongue rebelled,
"No flippin' way dudes..burn me I dare you !" The C.U.N.T.S didn't have to be told twice.
"Burn him, he's got the devil in him" someone shouted from the audience..
Master Wilbur reached into his inside pocket and retrieved a steaming mug of tea, he then groped in his pants pocket, he liked to play pocket billiards with his one eyed trouser snake but enough of that, and he pulled out a spoon and began to stir the cup of tea..
"Hold him still fellow C.U.N.T.S, let the burning commence".
Two C.U.N.T.S held Tongues arms as Master Wilbur stired the cup of hot smouldering tea, they found P.G Tips to be the best. He lifted the spoon out of the cup and said in a `nails down a blackboard type of way'.
" Do you repent fart face ?. Repent or feel the wrath of the hot tea spoon"
"No f*** off dick'ed, a hot spoon HA! is that all you cound think of ? sh*tty face!"
Tongue then spat a massive grok of muke at him.
"Sh*t I saw this in the Exorcist !" someone in the background said.
Master Wilbur then placed the hot steaming spoon on Tongues neck.
"OWWWW, sh*t, that bleedin' hurts" said Tongue in a stinging kinda pain in the neck way.
"Do you repent sinner ?" the Master said forcefully.
"No I don't !"
"Er what ?
"I said NO I F***IN' DON'T"
The master looked at his second in command and whispered in his ear, he didn't want to say anything to him he just liked the smell of his aftershave.
"What shall we do with him now ? " he whispered.
"S'pose'we'll have to let him go..."
"Agreed, he is beyond redemption.."
"OK sinner you can go back to your seat" said The Master with a quiver in
his voice.
Tongue went back to his seat grasping his sore neck.
"Bastard f***in' weirdo's..you should all be told to eat cow poo !"
Tongue was obviously upset by the ordeal. He sat back in his seat next to Frankie and stared at Frankie with an owl which turned into a scowl when he realised what he was doing. Since that day he's been having nightmares, and to this day Frankie has been hated by Tongue for taking him to that C.U.N.T.s place...
Meanwhile back at the lighthouse the debate was still on what should they do about Frankie...
Eventually Bracie came up with a solution to the problem.
"Lets give him a knock on the head with something"
"How will that help ?" said Tongue, who by this time was really pissed off.
"Well, It'll do one of a few things, It'll knock some f***in' sense into him
for one, or it'll give him his memory back, or it'll kill the pain in the arse mutha'...." at this last option Tongues eyes lit up, a bright shade of red with just a hint of daffodils.
"Can I do it then? " said Tongue.
"Ok go for it, wack the little sh*t round the head with this".
Crowie then produced a foot long piece of lead filled hose pipe, which he gave to Tongue, who took no time at all in giving Frankie a good tw*t round the head..... several times.
"For Christ's sake Tongue take it easy man" shouted out Bracie, "
"Lets see if its worked ". So they decided to test out Frankie by asking him a few questions.
"Right who's got a good question then ?.
"I've got one !" exclaimed Gimme in a fit of stiffyness.
"Why is there frosted glass on an aeroplane bog window ?"
"The perspex laminated tripple glazed opaque viewing system is designed to induce a state of calm, thus security and privacy would be ordained, it's purely psychological." said Frankie in a thespian manner.
"Is that normal ?" Asked Crowie.
"Dunno, should I give him another wack ?" Tongue started to drool.
"Yeah why not ! lets see what happens" Rusty said in a curious tone.
WHACK !!!
"That was a good'un, I heard something crack that time"
"Thats the eggs he's trying to incubate in that rabbit suit" explained Crowie.
"Ask him another question"
"I've got a cracker" said Gimme.
"Whats that ?"asked Crowie.
"It's a table decoration often used at Christmas. The idea is to pull it in two, the winner gets to read the sh*tty joke and play with the plastic toy, I thought everyone knew that "
"Ask him a question stupid !" snarled Crowie, he was beginning to lose patients, which was bad news as he used to be a Vet.
"I know what to ask" said Rusty " Are you still Kylie Minogue?".
"Good question ..if he says yes I'll pummel his cranium in" Tongue started to slap the plastic hose against his hand impatiently.
"Well what do you say Frankie ? are you ? "
Frank looked puzzled,it was a mix between a jig-saw and Rubic's cube.
"Well are you !!! ? shouted Tongue "Just say yes....make my day, I've still got the burn scar you know ! "
"I'm...er.....Francis Archibald Dippletwaite age 31 and a half"
"Well I'll play with my Hornby..it f***in' worked.."said Crowie gleefully.
"Sh*t I hit him too hard" muttered Tongue...."bastard, tw*ttin, mumble,
mumble"
Gimme started to bandage Frankies head with seaweed, lettuce and anything else that was green..
"Is it my Birthday yet ? "asked Frank rubbing the back of his neck.
Crowie looked at his watch..."By Jimminy it is ..Happy Birthday bro'.."
"Happy Birthday to you....." the crew rapped.
"We've got you a few presents..We hope you like them." Crowie
handed him a small box... "well open it then"
Frankie looked at the box and then gave it a rattle.
"It's not a baby, put the rattle away " said Gimme.
Frank put the rattle away and opened the box...
"Sh*t guys you shouldn't have..it's what I've always wanted".
He placed his hand in the box and pulled out a tribe of lost pigmy warriors,
who proceeded to jump and chant all over Franks' collection of nose pickings!
"Ahhh", Frankie said. "Look at them. They're all wet and ripe. I hope mummy likes them. She always used to play 'catch the greased action man'" "Fourteen and I don't even have a truncheon. hee hee hee hee, yes.
Don't mind if I do......"
"Oh sh*t!" exclaimed Rusty. "I believe we've lost him again..."
Frankie proceeded to rub himself up on Rusty legs, whilst uttering 'Daddy's pie is cold, and he doesn't like that.'
This was beginning to get annoying, and Tongue started to bang his head on the wall.
"Lard lard lard lard lard lard lard lovely lovely lard. Chips, do I want some ?. Yes please." muttered Frank in a fish.
All the while, the little Pigmy warriors were terrorising the local rodent population who had come out to see what all the fuss was about.
"Oooom billya ha, oom billya ha. choca choaca gumba mumba"
The warriors were obviously not versed in English, but by their gesticulations it was obvious what they were after as one of them was Little Chief Bob Scrunchy the 3rd, the masked fridge marauder from Piggmeville. He's wanted by the FEDs for drug trafficing, malicious fridge snaffeling and conterfeit condom making, the latter being the most serious. Chief Bob placed adds in all the popular press advertising ' Need the ideal Birthday present ?How about The K-Tel Pigmy box set, yours for only £9.95. This was how the drugs were imported and distributed throughout the country and was now the reason for Frank's weird behaviour.The Pigmy's were dowsed in a strange halucinagenic new drug called 'Brenda', which when absorbed through the dermus layer caused wild `I'm trippin' behaviour' in the contactee.
"Frankie man are you OK ?" asked Gimme curiously.
He was looking at Frank stuffing a pigmy into his pipe and trying to light him.
"These bastard things are all gooey, they wont light."
He then removed the Pigmy and wiped him on his best friend, who was 'Gibblebagooragi' the witch doctor pigmy. The doctor was trying to insert his Jemima into a cover version of 'Celebration' whilst rubbing his foot against a copy of 'Bella'.
"Gibby woppa donna ranga runga chungi wop!" hailed the doc, who was none too impressed with Franks' cologne.
Meanwhile, John Hitchakai, the japanese entrant was in second place in the Origami competition. Things were afoot as the Wombles played tig in the playground.
"Oh no" said Zebidi.
"My cannabis has disappeared! I bet it was that f***ing rabbit!"
He pointed at Frank.
"Mirimba googoo ma wanga gump" roughly translated meant " Twas you who robbed my stash rabbit face"
Frankies halucanations were obviously gettting out of control. The crew ignored the Pigmy's as no-one understood the lingo, all except Frank who thought he could chat in Pigmese. He sat on the floor with Pigmy in hand chattin' away.
"He's lost it hasn't he ?" said Crowie who just read the last few paragraphs.
"Deffo' dude" replied Gimme.
"Shall we celabrate his Birthday anyway ?" said Crowie who was
now getting in a party mood.
"Yeah get the cake out...lets pig !!!!"
The crew adorned party hats, streemers and those annoying blower things and proceeded to gather around the table.Gimme and Rusty picked up Frank and slumped him on one of the chairs.
"What about the candles "said Crowie.You can't have a cake with out candles"
"They're over there by the reincarnated chocolate day dream believer", said Frank while coming out of his little daze.
Rusty hit him again with a soiled fish cursing under his breath......
"curse, curse, curse......curse..........curse."
"I see them", exclaimed Crowbar. "There, under the reincarnated chocolate day dream believer, you went and hit Frank for no reason!" He was pointing at Rusty.
"Oh he'll live you whinging mo fo.." He rested his hand on Frank's head and it flopped to one side with a flop.
"Oh shi'ite muslims in Worchester Sauce!" sang Tongue.
"Yoose gon an killed the stupid fool, you stupid fool."
Rusty began oiling his weapon.
"Well, I cured his amnesia didn't I?"
"That's hardly the point Rusty!!!!" said everyone, which was very strange.
"Anyway, I don't give a sh*t. Fourteen years ago he made sexual advances towards my cream salad, and I've never been able to walk in a straight line since. And besides all that I've heard Rolf Harris is really spaghetti. Not one to complain but I've had quite a strange day, and I'd like to undress infront of an audience of paraplegic 6 year olds!"
"Hold on a mo'; I don't think he's dead!" said Crowie.
"What? after that last smack ?, I don't think so !" replied Rusty sarcastically..
"Hold on I think your right, give him a prod".
Gimme picked up a barge-pole and poked Frankie in the face.
"Nah! are you sure he's alive ?..give 'im another poke..."at that moment, just before the prod Frankie awoke from his 2 minuit dream-state.
"W what the...where am I ?" Frankie was alive !.
"Frankie ! sh*t man your OK ?" said Crowie.
"What happened ?...oh my head...since when have you been a twin Rusty? " Frankie was seeing double.
"I'm not a twin, I think your eyesights f***ed "
"Hold on a mo' I think your coming into focus", the two images of the crew became one. "I think I'm OK, I feel rejuvinated!! oh boys how can I ever thank you ? my memory is back!...."
"Well you can start by rounding up those black action men things we bought you ..but be careful, don't let them contaminate you" said Gimme in an adult way.
"Contaminate ? what do ya mean ? are they dangerous ?" said Frankie hesitatingly.
"No they're not dangerous..I think, It's just, you went all weird last time ..like you was on L.S.D or summit. Put some marigold gloves on, preferably pink if you can find a pair and place them in resealable freezer bag"
"What ? let me get this straight ! you want me to round up the little black brothers whilst wearing a pair of pink marigold gloves and then place them in a freezer bag ...why ?"asked Frankie quizingly.
"So we can freeze them..stupid !.And don't forget to wash them first ...ooops I almost forgot about the lolly ice sticks...push one up each of the little black dudes arses " Said Crowie. He loved giving orders and being a bossy tw*t !
Frankie did as he was bid, with his memory back to normal, bits of seaweed and lettuce in his hair and a massive lump, he proceeded to round up the little bro's.They did'nt object to the lolly sticks as long as they were lubricated with jam and sand.
"Ok, stand up, bend over and be counted!" demanded Frank in an Italian accent.
The little pigmy's all stood in a line and bent over while Frank inserted the 'greased' lolly sticks into their reluctant back doors.
"There, all done." said Frank "Don't they look scrummy?, I mean.....
couldn't you just eat them all up?"
"No.." replied the mix masters, who were slowly backing towards the door.
Frank proceeded to obtain a freezer bag to put the pigmys in.
"Gabba moni wim jaca walnut" whispered a pigmy with a strange bone through his left buttock to his compradre, who was looking a little perplexed from the jam and sand. This phrase meant "what's he doin' john?"
"Quimmy jonga rap gumby laco dripper..." the other answered whilst scratching his favourite plums. This meant "I think they are going to attempt to put us in those freezer bags, well if they think I'm going in there they've got another thing coming. By the way, how's the missus?"
The pigmys were becoming restless and aggitated and decided upon themselves to appoint a minister for war as they had never had a minister for anything before and as no one had a clue what an 'anything minister' did they proposed that whoever pulled out the short lolly stick from his arse that he would be minister for war. They all took it in turns, when one pigmy named
Chab Winappad after the great pigmy siege of 1763, withdrew a short stick as it had snapped in his orifice. So he was nominated by default as the Pigmies minister of War. His first duty was to round off this story by declaring the lighthouse a war zone and a military takeover of the Island ensued, resulting in many casualties with loss of hearing and direction. Frankie retired to become the the new leader of C.U.N.T's as he was the most qualified story teller they had, with his epic tales of woe, plague, battles and heroics (an obvious choice really).
The Mix Masters apart from Tongue gained an exclusive multi-megadollar series of washing powder commercials, and a film contract in which they starred as themselves. Tongue was taken on as an advisor to the
US military interrogation squad after being spotted by a talent scout, who happened to be drinking in the same bar as Tongue when a fight broke out and observed Tongue's technique in mutilation.