Storyish Tales presents :-

" Smiley "

The night was juicy. The cauliflowers could be seen glistening in the greenhouse. The air wretched of acrid tomato puree in the key of e, except that it wasn't. It wasn't the day when all the planets lined up throughout the solar system, they would have but due to the recent discovery of a tenth planet now named Smiley it threw the knowledge and beliefs of the astrologers headed by Russel Grant, into the air like a tossed prawn and stilton salad. They were now quite worried that every person would think ( and quite rightly ) that they had been talking total s**t for many years. This was quite a serious issue as their multi billion pound con/scam was about to collapse. Would their followers betray them, they needed to act fast...
Russel started to think of a plan to get them out of the soup which was pea and ham that day just in case you wondered.
"This tenth planet is gonna f*** us right up init" said Rus' in an unhappy quarterback american footballer stance " I've got a plan" he said to his fellow astrologers "Here's what we'll do....."
"You", he said to his Ringpiece of the brotherhood. "You, will get in touch with our old friend 'Screaming Cuthbert'. I here that he's still doing the odd fried egg on Sundays, so I appoint you to get him on our lettuce. I don't care what you have to do to wipe his tonsils, but do it, and do it whenever you want really."
So round to 'creamin'Cuthberts ( as he is known to his personal friends) penthouse suite, also his astrological prediction research invention cosmic kitchen or A.P.R.I.C.K for short. The flat was quite dark inside with only a blue turnip clutcher desk lamp for light. The smell of aquatic sea life filled the air..
"Is that your new aftershave ?" to which 'creamin replied,
"Yeah! it's Old Spice ...the mark of a man"...he said with a tear in his eye.
"Can we talk Ringo ol' mate ? I've got something I want to get off my chest and it's not my madalion made of hamster teeth my grandfather gave me ..it's quite personal and has a lot to do with that tw*tin' new planet Smiley".
Ringo sat back in a plastic leather chair.
"I'm listening old sunny Jim fella me lad..fire away I'm all ears".
'Creamin' began ....
"It was on the 4th cycle of munchy when I realised there was something afoot in the universe. I know about the planet Smiley because I noticed it in my hyper sensitive urine sample."
It was obvious that Cuthbert was having great difficulty in expressing his crunchie because he kept twiddling his kebab.
He continued.
"It's just that my weapon is loosing it's, well it's; this is very hard for me..."
Ringo sensed that he was having problems so he wiped his melon on Cuthbert's prize suede...... twice.
"Hey hold on a minute Ringo, I don't mind you wiping your melon on my collection of ornate well documented sea slugs, but not on my prize suede..."
At this Ringo realised what he had done and promptly apologised.
Cuthbert had nurchered the suede since he found it as an abandoned ovulation that was left by an unsuspecting blind ( and not very good ) Tibetan pigmy yak hearder, who once squatted at A.P.R.I.C.K., while Cuthbert was trying, without much success to cross pollinate an innertube plant and a small reptilian shaped Timotei shampoo bottle..the result from this experiment was a hybrid plant which he called the'Smiler'.
"Have you seen this?" pointing at the Smiler plant and licking his lips.
Ringo thought."mmmmmmmm thats a bit odd. A 10th planet called Smiley and a plant called Smiler and Cuth's underpants in the laundry basket were covered in green algi, just like the plant..something was strange.. ..but what ? Ringo watched Cuth' lick his lips and rub his groin over the new hybrid..has the plant and planet got something in common? What was the green stuff in his Y fronts ? ...Ringo asked.
"Cuth , what was you Mother maiden name, and whats all this green
stuff ?. "
"My mother's name is Harold and I don't like to talk about it okay!!" He said in a somewhat annoyed waskily wabbit.
Ringo pulled out a pair of synthesised nipple shapers and proceeded to extract a piece of the green algi from Cuthbert's jocks. His hands were sweating and he found his grip on the shapers, just where he left it as it happens..
He managed to pull it away from the y-fronts and began examining it through a weetabix. Upon close examination the algi appeared to have a some what textured nature with high ridges and deep valleys, also it's shape reminded Ringo of something...He couldn't for the life of him think what though, so he tenderly removed piece after piece of algi checking each one using a more powerful item of equipment, a highly modified cylinder head gasket ..then it came to him in a rush of emotions.
"Cuthbert, Cuthbert". He said with an eagerness he didn't often experience.
" Come and look at this," Cuthbert looked.
" Looks like a load of green stuff to me ".
" No look closer. All the algi, are actually minature, contoured, perfectly scaled down maps of Wales".
Again Cuthbert looked, more intentley than before.
" F*** me Ringo, I can see Snowdon and look just there I can see one of those annoying Welsh doll things my bastard Auntie Sparky always brings me from Prestatyn...I f***in' hate that woman...I hate that way she smokes Woodbines holding the ciggy between her feet..er sorry Ringo I got sidetracked there for a moment..you know how it is when you try to scrub the nicotine from relations toes".
Ringo shouted "Pull yourself together man this is more important. Just look at this piece of Wales".
Ringo pointed at particular piece of the gooey slime..
"What do you make of that ?"....
Cuthbert loomed over the slime with a placid weasel.
"I can't really say Ringo baby. But it appears to be, no it can't be..."
"Can't be what!" Ringo said in a peculiar high pitched piece of lemon marangue pie. You're going to think I'm a cookie covered in marmalade,
but I'm convinced, thoroughly and utterly convinced it's my 'Battlestar Galactica' jigsaw puzzle I lost as a gerbil!".
"Surely you can't be serious".
"I am," Cuthbert replied, "And don't call me Percy! . You know I don't like being called Percy".
This aversion to the name Percy stemmed from his childhood, as once when he was no more than 23 chickweed's old an Arabian camel juggler by the name of Achmed Tristan who was at the time touring the village halls beginning with the letter 'N' with his amazing act, mistook Cuthberts name, as he thought Cuthey said Percy. Now this may not seem severe but it stayed with Cuthbert as Achmed dropped one of his camels on him and now Cuthbert is also afraid of anything with a hump including Billy the Hump the man with a million humps who said he came from Humpety near the Scottish borders. He lived next door. But unbeknown to Cuth' Billy came from then 10th Planet and was sent to keep an eye on his cross pollonation processes to which he slipped a few deadly spores a few days prior to his experiments with the Smiler hybrid plant...
That night after Ringo had left for his cosy melon shaped bed something moved in Cuth's lab' and it wasn't the usual movey thing, it was the plant it had grown 100 fold with sperm shaped globules molestering it's way towards Cuth's own bedroom. Slithering moistly under the crack of the solid Kelloggs cardboard shaped Tony the Tiger door..the goo grew n' grew ..........and grew. So much as it got stuck under the door. It tried to wriggle free but to no avail, the door was just too crispy. Cuthbert turned in his submarine unaware of this cheesy vile putrid growth invading his dry caretakers university satchel.
The growth, in it's struggle to freedom split in two, and the pair started to grow separate of one another. The growth closest to Cuthbert ( who had decided that he should be called Angus McTavish), proceeded on it's way towards our dependable hero of the highest cabbage.
There was a knocking on the door....it was the other growth. On the splitting of the once large growth, this one had found itself on the other side of the door and he wanted to be let in.
"F***ing hell", Angus McTavish the growth from hell sighed.
"Let me the f*** in!!!" said the other growth who hadn't quite decided what to call himself.
"I want to cream his giblets!"
Angus proceeded to go back to the door to let him in.
"Will you be bloody quiet !" eminated Angus with a sort of non-profit
making tone in his best East Anglian accent. The door opened with a loud silent creak, Angus thought this was very strange as all the doors he had opened usually opened with a handle. Stood outside the door was a replicant of himself.
"Who the f*** are you mate ?" Angus asked.
"I'm you"came the reply "
" Not now, there can't be two of me, so we'll call you...hmmmm...
Germander Fatshedera after the famous Malasian inventor of the sugar glider stabiliser.
"OK I like that name and it suits me".
Just then Cuthbert awoke to see what all the chopolatas was about. He turned the light on by fiddling with it's flex, the lamp didn't object as it enjoyed the experience. He sat upright and checked the time on his remote control fan heater, then he looked at the pair of giant swamp creatures, who were by this time trying to blend into Heinz celery and leek big soup wallpaper, Cuthbert was puzzled by this so he put on his south Korean fishing net tie and invited both of the plant like appendages to have a cup of sour potato leaf tea,Angus and Germander agreed to sit and chat with Cuthbert over the pyrex washing up bowl in the kitchen. Cuthbert started .
" So what's your names and where are you from ?". He wasn't usually this friendly to foliage entering his lab but he liked them. They introduced themselves and proceeded to tell Cuthbert.
"We are what you would call `Big sloppy slippy plants' with an intelligence so vague that you could call us damp mop buckets with a sprig of parsly. We are here to keep a small portable toilet in tune with some old Bay city roller records so, if you don't mind Cuth ol' bean can we carry on ?"
The two sloppy slippy plants continued with their task...Meanwhile next door Billy the Hump was making a quick phone call back to the planet. Billy spoke into a small fish bowl with a piece of puppy s**t floating in it..people from that planet found this to be an excellent medium for trans-planetry communication .
Billy began.
" I wear old mans under wear with a large marrow shaped koala bear".
It was a traditional to say such a greeting when 2 Smileys met over such a
transmission..suddenley a weird face resembeling a Ku Klux Klan member appeared in the bowl just below the puppy s**t..it spoke..
"What in f***s name do you want fudge packer" said the face.
Billy replied.
"Two number 69's and fried rice to go."
"This is not a chinese you dumb pumpkin scooperouter! I'm Lord Scabby Sack, Commander of the highest rectal thermometers!.Now what can I do for you?".
Billy somewhat taken aback by the rather cottage cheese question from the holy one.
"Er......emmmm, I wish to know how does a man who drives a snow plough get to work in a morning?"
Lord Scab scratched his balding gooseberry with a crystal Ken doll and thought for a moment....
"Don't have a f***ing clue my fudgkinny wudgekinny. Why not try reciting the Swahili national anthem backwards whilst emersed in melted ice-cream? or write an upright piano recital for 'The Quibec freedom from organic mail week".
So Billy decided to do the latter. The only problems with this was that Billy only had a baby grand piano which he aquired rather cheap from a retired silent film accompanyment egg whisk, who needed the money for a personality gonad transplant at a privately run clinic that specialised in the field of micro-psycoacoustical inadequacys of the incendiary loss adjuster kind. Which meant the egg whisk was as deaf as a lop-eared toadsool factory generator maintenance handbag with pinworms.So he didn't have any use for it. So Billy was in an enema dilemma was the baby grand up to it. Just then he had a skull stimulatory experience in his kneecap which he was wearing at the time on his
shoulder....
"Yes that's it, I know what to do now, I'll smoke that splif I built earlier, that will sort me out and put me in the right frame of mind to write the piano recital."
Billy lit up and pulled long n' hard on the J .
"Corrr is that really Salmon Rushdi in a cocktail dress...wowww look at the priest eating small rodents". Billy said in a drug induced haze of cadbury's smash. He then sat down with a large thump like thump, THUMP ! next to the his stuffed Mars bar Rhino.
" I think I will write the piano recital in a totally new way" he thought to himself. He then pulled on the joint again with the same ferocity as before, a dizzy toilet like state overtook him as he placed 3 elastic bands over an old shoe box, he the began to pluck. TWANG !
"Oh f*** dis" Billy said in an almost moist sticky way "Let them write there own s**tty recital"
He then felt a stirring in his loin, the kinda feeling you get when you see a disguarded Polo wrapper ".
I think I'll go for a tug! " he dropped his kex and began to fondle the
lumps on his legs...
"ohhhhh ahhhhhh eeeeeeee wow that was just like licking the underneath of my desk for bogies & old chewing gum..what shall I do next...AH!" he said still panting with froth and semen dripping from his small microsoft mouse inpersonator. "I will.....have another, I think....then again I might clean up the mess."
He began to wipe up the mess with a soiled cactus, which proved to be quite painful but he enjoyed that. Unfortunately Mrs. Snottybotty the household juice extractor from Widnes burst throught the door while Billy was somewhat distracted.
"Oooooooooh, Ooooooooooh. Mr. Hump. What a big cactus you've got there!"
"All the better to wipe sperm off chosen articles," Billy replied. At which point he began to make slippery squidgy chunks towards Mrs. Snottybotty's extremely tender lower tendricles, all the while rubbing his golf caddy's furry appendage.
"Billy Million humps!" she yelled in a tone such as to encourage our rampant sexually driven tyrannosaraus. "You shouldn't do that in front of a nervous lobster with a complex about public transport. It could cause severe disruption to the ethically propelled rejuvenation plant they are proposing to build in a few eons time under the public access bridge across the voids of eternity. The consequences of which could never be undone It could set us back thousands of dissused binliners or even the ultimate in retro regradable polymer wear. So could you please be more conciderate in the future and don't fakin' do it alright, You'll go blind !".
Billy got the message and began to make a small lego tulip thing....mean while back on page 1 the night was still juicy and the cauliflowers were loosing their glisten through the morning haze..in the corner of the greenhouse something red in a fanny on the blob type way began tobuild a minuture nuclear reactor....was this red blobby thing from the planet on page 1 ?.
Stay tuned.....( see appendix ).
Cuth decided he'd had enough of all this planet/alien s**t and went out into the garden to collect his thoughts and he placed them carefully in a pen top type hat..then he thought .
"I wonder if I can still do that old Morris Dancin' s**t I used to do back home in Orangyboom ?". He got out a snot rag and began to wave it about pathetically...but to no avail..he'd lost it ! world champion Morris dancer 8 time runnin' now he's on the Morris Dancer's slag heap all because of his weird and unlucky disability to which he now devotes his life too...
It all began 9 years ago back in Orangyboom when a bunch of wild, grape squashing, custard smugglers escaped from the top security piggy bank, which was situated on a set of drawers in Cuth's room for beds, proceeded to jump bail and run for the late Anglican Church of repentent bellyfloppers.
Unfortunately for Cuthbert, whilst in pursuit of these little dairy produce snatchers, he fell and banged his gravy on the radiator, and ever since then he believed he was Johnny Wetpants, Chief Superintendant of the Incontinent Awareness Group - 'Go With The Flow', which had international bases world wide and were continually coming up with new ideas for charity events. Many of these events included a host of dangerous hearing aid activities..for instance, freefall parachuting whilst cooking a five course meal for a family of South American pigmy snapper hippo's who had recently discovered that they would only eat veggie dishes that didn't contain any shade of the colour green.
Once one of the events involving the kidnapping of Cyril Smith's famous 'Rochdale Hornets' 1957 commemoration G-String, which had been specially designed for him by Billy Smart's big top repair team and were encrusted with hand sewn sequins, went drastically wrong when one member of the kidnap team accidentally ate the G string with a small penguin salad,this took several years to digest.It finally came out the other end singin'" I was Cyrils undies but now I'm a large milk float" which was later nominated fo the Eurovision that is to be held in a swan vestas yak slapper for the blind...not a lot a people know that ! Meanwhile back in Cuth's penthouse, the 2 gooey blobs were still tuning the toilet to the Bay City Roller records,they had just started with song `Shangalang' when Cuth's interviened with .
"Can I get you 2 a drink or summit?".The blobs turned to Cuth' and said.
" Ha ! your fly is down Cuth ol' mate" the 2 blobs giggled to each other.
Cuth' quickly looked down at his fly and began to pull the zipper up with cutardy like jerk..
" Owwww what the.. "said Cuth', something was biting his manhood but what....he looked down to see what was going on, to his amazement he saw a fish tank & half a hockey team. The hockey team were having oranges at half time, but the fish tank had something peculiar about it. He pulled out his manhood to find his bell completely missing.
"F*** me, my mutton dagger's looked better!" said Cuthbert.
It looked like a reincarnation of a Bonny Langford musical part.
"God what the hell am I going to do now" he pondered musingly...
He thought a while, It was a quite plesant looking while and it reminded him of a while he once thought of many septic galaxy protruberances ago, The only differences with this while was that it had many characteristics of a large sea mammal, but with one 'I' which didn't help it to see things, "Strange coincidance" He thought "Where in Bonny's name is me bell !"
Meanwhile his Gland was sunbathing in the algarve how it got there is another story which begins back on Smiley .The Smilers had experimented in drug
induced surgery where the surgeons where doped up so much that they thought weird thoughts like. "I wonder what would happen if we trans-planted a brain into small unused gland type bell end of a human being thingy ?" There thoughts turned into reality and beamed Cuth' back to the Smiley planet while he was having his Sunday barmcake on a Tuesday..this was very inconvenient as Tuesday often fell on a Wednesday ..Cuth's knew nothing of the operation..and 'till this day he still doesnt know his bell end is living it up on the beach getting a nice tan with it's Ray Bans on...
Cuth' felt a great urge to wash dishes, but considering the circumstances he thought better of it and decided to yell in chutney,
"F*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f***", and I promised my bell to the scuba diving monks of Ambrosia for their steeple." Who had assured Cuthbert that they would get the famous.
Fred Dibnah to erect it as he was an expert at big erections, one of the largest erections he was fortunate enough to work on was in Yorkshire in a town called Ecuslikiam. It was a huge monster of a thing owned by Crispin Giblett who needed a fast erection by a professional, so this is why the monks chose Fred to put their weather cock up. But now what were they to do, it had gone missing with no sign and without a sign how would it know where it was if it contacted Cuthy ? Where did it go ? something strange was going on not just in Ambrosia but all over the country weather veins were going missing..but why !
Back on the planet Lord Scabbysack was waiting by his beamer, ooer I here you say. He had programmed the beamer to beam all veins from the planet Earth...
"Ooops" said Scabbysack "We've fuct up". He looked at the beamer platform where all the weather veins where being beamed but to his amazement something else too was being beamed, he looked again and saw a massive sloppy mess of cow veins and arteries mingled in with weather veins.
"S**t who's gonna clean this mess of a million cows up?"
Meanwhile back on earth cows were falling with a strange peculiar thumping sound. They were dropping like flies. All of them one by one, falling into a deep hypnotic bowls of porridge. Anthrax came to mind, but cows don't listen to heavy metal music because it curdles the milk.
The time had come. These poor desperate creatures needed help, and fast..........
Bagpuss wanted nothing to do with them.
"Go on, f*** off." he purred; "I'm retired. Get them dickhead mice to help. They're good with their hands, 'We can mend it' and all that s**te... Now leave me alone!"
The cows were beginning to lose hope until from out of nowhere came Guy Smiley, the man from Sesame St. Could this be some coincidence? Now Guy was a renegade against his home planet of Smiley and secretly hidden on a galactic cruise freight line he managed to get to Earth without being detected by his own people. His solitary mission was to protect all forms of life on earth ( something humans neglect to do ) against Smiley's they where already invading earth and were responsible for Starting the Rave movement to corrupt youngsters and encourage them to take vast amounts of mind bending, life threatening class A drugs these came in various forms such as L.S.D with ....you guessed it a 'Smiley Face' on them also E's from Smile E's, connected with this movement was a non-melodic repetetive non-musical dance form especially devised so the authorities would not realise the dance was partly to cover up the effects of the drugs.Guy ExSmiley as he is now known now lives in a flat in Tumbridge Wells which is also the HQ of A.P.R.I.C.K and along with Russel,Cuth'Ringo and a few other funny named people now planned to revolt against the evil takeover of Earth which the Smiley's wanted to make into a large M & M, or rather E & E.
In the war-room which was also the bog, a piece of hard-board was being placed over the bath by Guy. The hard-board was a scaled flat map of the Earth showing where the Smiley's had already taken over. The map showed that that the red spots where all dissused ware-houses based around major cities.
The rebels stood 'round the bath attentivly as Guy spoke.
"We have only a few options to rid the planet of Smiley's I have come up with a few suggestions" Guy got out a piece of paper from his top pocket.
" 1 " he said in a staple gun manner ." We get radio 1, obliterate the f***er off the air that will get rid of some unwanted boring repetitive s**te" .
" But how dao we di that " said Cuth in a misspelt way ".
" That will be Ringo's job, is that OK with you Ringo ?" replied Guy with a semi lob on.
"Ringo, RINGO! "Guy shouted "Pay attention and put that thing away" said Guy pointing at Ringo's matchbox mammoth collection which Ringo was playing with in the sink.
" Er what did ya say Guy ?"
" Doesn't matter now, just pay attention dick'ed."
"My 2nd suggestion is that we raid VICKS in a swift and at the same time very daft fashion, and steal all their 'VAPOUR RUB'..."
He was getting a semi-on at the shear thought of it all... "Then we send a ransom note offering a trade; i.e we demand the release of Des O'conner's Greatest Hits album early next year, promising to return the 'RUB' after our demands are met.
"But here is the catch", he continued.."We keep it and rub it all over the remaining cow's udders!.This will prevent the cows from getting colds if nothing else.Or we could go ten-pin bowling."
So it was decided by a mass vote of confidence to do nothing .....for the time, because time didn't deserve it and besides that the Smiley's were making less of a f*** up of running the planet than us humans. Our intrepid Hero went back to working full time for A.P.R.I.C.K experiments safe in the knowledge that as long as his agreement with the Smilies held true ....that they would keep a low profile and not grass the astologers up for feeding the general public an oil tanker full of bulls**t and the astrologers would not blow the whistle on the Smiley's for corrupting easily lead,'wouldn't know a good song if hit us in the bollocks at the speed of light, we just nick everything anyway' ravers. So we depart for now leaving the future in the balance..............