talking about my difficulties coping with anxiety, depression and other emotional problems is not easy. firstly, because i have become adept at hiding my emotions just to survive. i feel less at risk of being hurt or taken advantage of when no one around me is aware of these "weaknesses". secondly, when i do discuss these type of issues, it is usually in the context of university, and taking an outsider's perspective. perhaps one of the worst parts of studying psychology at this level has been reading about this or that disorder and realizing that the words are describing your experience.

however, i really do wish to share my experiences here in the hope of helping others. if i don't manage to express myself adequately, please be patient. as i said, i am more accustomed to approaching these topics from a more objective point of view.

i believe i have always been "anxious". i grew up in an environment with two highly anxious parents. my mother, in particular, has suffered from panic disorder and agoraphobia for over twenty years. so i imagine there were equally strong genetic and environmental components at work. i started feeling more and more anxiety as i got older. mostly it involved anxiety about going to school (not surprising as that involves most of a child's life). later though, i began to experience increasing anxiety whenever i left the house. many times there were huge arguments where my parents had to literally drag me from my room and out the front door. i don't think i understood what was happening to me then. i was only about ten or so, and all that was apparent to me at the time was that more then anything in the world i did not want to go outside that front door.

i was 15 when i had my first panic attack. it was on the city bus going to school. i thought i was going to die. which is pretty typical of a panic attack. after this, things became much worse. going out was terrifying. unfortunately, the summer i turned 15, i also discovered alcohol and its ability to lessen the feelings of anxiety. this to me, at that time, was a miracle. however, this did lead to major complications in my life, which all in all, decreased my self-esteem even more, which in turn lead to more anxiety. the next year in high school was terrible. i went from being an A and B student in a special music programme to dropping out of school at 16. perhaps what surprises me the most now is that no one realized what was happening to me. teachers, parents, counsellors ... all of them completely missed the fact that i was suffering from extreme anxiety and panic attacks. true enough, i never explained my situation well and i actually went out of my way to hide what was happening. but to me now, looking back, i wonder how they all thought i was just becoming a "trouble-maker" and acting out "inappropriately".

for several years i was in and out of school. mostly, i tried working, but never seemed able to hold a job for very long. after a while i would start calling in sick, due to anxiety; and instead of explaining my problem to someone, i would just quit whatever i had started. this made me feel terrible and caused others (family, friends, etc) to judge me badly.

it is this, when one's life starts to crumble, that causes the depression (my opinion of course). seeing what you were and comparing it with what you have become. not understanding why you can't just get up and go out like a "normal" person? at times i still feel this way. but i try very hard not to judge myself by others standards. to see how far i have come. to look at how hard i have worked to overcome the fear and sadness.

right now, i'm going through another rough spot. the last two years have brought many changes to my life. and change is something which can be very difficult for people with anxiety disorders. i have moved from my hometown to attend university. i moved in with my boyfriend. i am looking to apply to graduate school. so even though things aren't "perfect" right now, when i look and see what i am accomplishing, i am very proud, proud that i am still standing and fighting.

okay, so that's briefly what i have experienced regarding anxiety. the diagnoses are always different with each new doctor. panic disorder, agoraphobia, social phobia, generalized anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive traits ... quite the list. i've tried several medications, but all have side effects that are intolerable for me. (please don't let that dissuade anyone from trying a medication. many people experience very positive and significant improvement on medication).

i know this hasn't explained what a person with an anxiety disorder or depression experiences on a daily basis. i'm still at the point where it is very hard for me to express this adequately (perhaps a little denial too). what i want to make clear though is that you can have a future. you do have a future. i have come from the lowest of lows to make it this far and i plan to keep climbing (with the occasional setback of course).

i wish i could offer more than this right now. i know hearing that one person has made it through and is succeeding is rarely enough to help someone. so please if you're reading this and you doubt the possibility that you can escape from the fear and the depression, try reading the stories of others. find a webring and see that i am not the only one.

please don't ever give up hope. keep breathing, keep surviving, keep fighting.