My Evening with Lily Tomlin
Hammons Hall for the Performing Arts
Springfield, MO
October 23, 2004
Alex and her father picked me up around 12:45 and by 1:00, we were out of Wichita and headed North on our way to Springfield, Missouri. We arrived in the city around 5:45 and found our hotel, the Econo Lodge West, just off the highway. After checking in, we hurried to our room to change for the show, which I thought was to start at 7:30. Changed and ready to go, Alex and I already had ants in our pants for the night ahead of us. We left the hotel by 6:15, leaving us plenty of time to find our way through the city and to the venue, which was on the Southwest Missouri State campus.
Once we located Hammons Hall, which is fantastically enormous for something of that nature on a college campus, we drove around making plans for a drop off and pick up point. We finally settled on a telephone call after the show to let Alex's father know where to go. He dropped us off in the circle drive and we entered the building by 6:45.
When we got inside, we realized that the show did not, in fact, start until 8:00, thus, there were hardly any people there yet. We took this opportunity to survey the enormity this place has to offer. We then made our way to a table with flyers and articles on Lily Tomlin and upcoming shows such as Emmylou Harris, Garrison Keillor, and Jim Brickman. After a few minutes, a woman approached us with index cards and a smile telling us about a Q & A session Lily would be holding directly following the show. Excited about the opportunity to have our voices heard by Lily Tomlin, Alex and I decided we should take our time to come up with awesome questions. As we were walking off to a table not to far away, the woman called after us, "Now don't forget to give me questions!!"
At the table, we chatted about Lily Tomlin movies, whether or not she was in an opera, The Music Man, and the possibility of giving Lily a hug. However, we were both disappointed in our lack of good questions to ask. Eventually, the woman came over in excitement, "Have you got your questions yet? Don't forget!!" Yeah yeah, we won’t forget.
Alex finally decided she had to know what Lily’s favorite musical is and I had to know if she met Teresa Heinz Kerry backstage at The View and if so, what she is like. We turned in our questions and the woman pulled us off to the side to let us in on a little secret, "I have been told that after the show, Q & A, and everyone has left, Lily Tomlin will come back out for a meet and greet. I was told to tell you two about it, so keep it quiet. Don't let anyone else know." Alex and I thanked her for the inside scoop and walked off. Was she really told to tell us? Maybe she was just telling that to everyone who turned in questions. Although she did take an immediate liking to us...
With the thought of this on our minds, we made our way to our seats inside the auditorium. We were in the Orchestra Row M, slightly to the right; a great view of the stage. While we waited for the show to start, we struck up a conversation with the woman next to us, asking her where would be a good place to eat after the show. She advised us to go Downtown and repeated the same three restaurants about nine times before the discussion was over. Finally, the announcer came on stage to introduce Ms. Tomlin.
The show itself was phenomenal. It was like a mini-Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe (her one woman show which is hilarious). That woman has so much energy at 65, it is incredible. She jumped around on stage, screamed, shouted, laughed with us—and at us. One of my favorite monologues was one about her being in the second grade and being the most admired student in her class. Another good part, based on her parents, was a scene with Lud and Marie, and cake, “STOP TALKING ABOUT THE CAAAAAAAKE!!!” And, who can forget when she plays a lonely housewife who discovers "Mr. Good Vibrations" and compares it to using a cake mix from a box or instant rice. She did the classics as well, Ernestine, Edith Ann, and Trudy the bag lady. She ended the show with one of my favorite parts involving the quote, "If evolution was worth its salt, it should've evolved something better than 'survival of the fittest.' I think a better idea would be 'survival of the wittiest.' At least, that way, creatures that didn't survive could've died laughing."
Immediately following the multiple standing ovations, as promised, Lily stuck around for a Q & A session. There was a lot of talk about the score for the baseball game, which went right over my head, but it was exciting to see everyone else so worked up about it. The questions read were not all that interesting, a lot I already knew. One woman did challenge her to an Edith Ann dual which was interesting. She came on stage and they concluded that she was Edith Ann's evil twin. Then she came to a card that had a question about what it was like working with Cher. From that point on, she talked about Cher and I was completely amazed. She ended the evening with a story about how one of the biggest regrets she had in her career was not wearing Cher's Oscar dress to the Oscars the following year.
Everyone started heading out of the theatre, but Alex and I stayed put, acting as though we were just waiting out the crowd. Once almost everyone had gone, we spotted the woman, who invited us to stay, amongst a small group of people on the other side of the auditorium. We found our way over to her and, as more people left, we discovered that we were, in fact, among the few who had been told about the possibility of Lily coming back. About seven of us waited anxiously. Eventually, a man in a headset came out and told us Lily Tomlin was most likely not going to have time to meet us because she had a lot of family who had attended the show. Disappointed, we started to leave when the woman cornered us once more, "Lily will be coming out by the loading dock around back. You will have a good chance of meeting her if you just wait there for a while."
Alex and I took the woman's advice and, nonchalantly, found ourselves headed around the back of the building, following two other ladies who had been waiting to meet Lily as well. When we got to the dock, we found a nice, black Lincoln which we assumed would be her get away car; there, we set up camp. For a while, there were around fifteen people or so crowded around this area, but it eventually died down to just the four of us. We got to talking, told the two ladies we had driven all the way from Wichita, Kansas to see Ms. Tomlin and in return, we got their life story. Cat and Laurie met on the internet due to a lesbian website Cat had created. Cat won a night on the town with George Carlin in 1982, where she got drunk with him at a biker bar. She compared the mere possibility of meeting Lily Tomlin that night even better than her experience with him. We came to realize that Cat was more than slightly obsessed, and quite frankly, it was creepy. She had hot plans to invite Lily to the cool, new lesbian bar in town called Rumors. When the driver came out with Lily’s luggage, Cat ran up to him, begging him to let her touch the luggage, which she was way too excited about doing. “I am never going to wash this hand again” she said. I know something else you would like to do with that hand right about now. After starting the car, the driver left to go back inside, car still running. Cat came up with a scheme to steal the car, thus making headlines as "The Crazed Fan Who Stole Lily Tomlin's Ride." But Alex and I explained to her that if that were the case, we would give the police her description, making us the heroes.
Still waiting for the possibility of an appearance by Lily Tomlin, we shifted our conversation to new topics. Naturally, it led to Bette Midler, which prompted Alex to show Cat and Laurie her incredible burlesque rendition of "Wind Beneath My Wings." They ate it up, as everyone should. Then we hypothesized about who would win in a dual between Cher and Bette Midler. Cat said Bette Midler hands down, but I contested. That conversation came to an abrupt halt when we noticed more of a commotion than usualy around the door we had been keeping our eyes on.
Not long afterwards, Lily Tomlin made her way through the door. Immediately, as planned, Cat held up her Zippo as if a slow song at a Styx concert were playing. I saw Lily walking towards us saying, "You all waited out here for me?!" And then I froze. As she was introduced to Cat and Laurie, I stood there, a momentary nervous wreck. My knees trembled, my stomach in tangles; Lily Tomlin was a foot away from me having a real conversation with these ladies. Cat was being creepy still, trying to coax her into coming to this bar in which Lily obviously had no interest. Inviting herself to the dinner Lily said she had to make, even offering to pay. Lily kept looking over at Alex and I, clearly wanting to give us a little of her time as they were taking up so much of it, but Cat continued to divert Lily's attention towards her. Finally, she broke free and came to me with her hand out, "And what are your names?"
"...Mallory," I said and she took my hand and held it for what seemed like an eternity, she was rubbing it, realizing my hand was cold from being outside.
Cat piped in, "These girls came over from Wichita, Kansas!"
Still holding my hand, looking me right in the eyes and concerned, "Wow, you aren't driving back tonight are you?!" Oh no.
Then Alex introduced herself and said, "I just have to know, what is your favorite musical?"
Lily thought it over for a while, "Well I'd-uh...er, you know...hmm...I can't say, but I like Merman, Ethel Merman. Why? What is yours?"
Alex responded, "Why Gypsy, of course."
"Well that's Ethel Merman, so there you go!" Lily replied.
Cat piped in again, "This kid does a great version of 'Wind Beneath My Wings'"
I told Alex that she should probably do it, right then and there. Lily was excited and when I took my camera out, she made sure that I was getting her in the shot while Alex did the song and dance for her. She loved it, laughed, and showered Alex with compliments. This whole time, we noticed that she could not keep her eyes off of Alex's massive cleavage, which made us laugh later. Seeing as Alex had gotten to ask her question, I asked Lily if she had met Teresa Heinz, explaining that she has been a big inspiration to me. It turns out that they have known each other for years, even before John Kerry announced his bid for candidacy. She told me a story or two which I cannot remember now. Then, it was time for photos. She invited me over for one and took me in her arms. I wrapped my arm around her back and rubbed it (something I never do, but somehow it seemed appropriate) and we took a photo. Alex came and joined us for a second photo as I remained in her arm. Lily then asked me to take a photo of her with Cat and Laurie to send to them. Much obliged, I took the photo and after many “Thank Yous” were said, she got in her car and began to drive away. After a few seconds she rolled down the window and shouted at Alex, "Hey, hey girl with the great voice, you're really good. You've got a lot of confidence. You'll go places," rolled up her window and drove off. I heard Cat mutter under her breath longingly,
"Bye Lily..."
The four of us stood around for a few minutes in awe of what had just happened to us. We had just spent almost fifteen minutes with Lily Tomlin up close and personal. We talked websites, interviews, politics, musicals, Cher, Bette Midler, and Ethel Merman. After some squealing may have been done, Alex and I ran to the car, where her father had been watching this all go down. We jumped in the car in excitement, "Who can we tell?!? We have to call people and tell them?" So, I called home and shouted about it to my mother and sister, Alex called Aley to leave her a message. After text messaging about 10 people about it, we spent the rest of the night recalling specific details about what had just happened.
I spent the entire drive home thinking about how amazing Lily Tomlin had been to us; replaying the entire evening in my head over and over again. When I came home, I printed out the picture we had taken and took around to show my whole family. I even took it to a church gathering held this evening to show it off. Unfortunately, I know at any time, what I like to call “Lily Tomlin Withdrawal” will kick in.
