Proof exists in the form of a document I uncovered when fumbling through some text for the purpose of historical research. It was written by a simple child in 1704, such a source epitomising the nature of Dorkshire. For the first time the magical text shall be shared with the common Dork, for only the elite (me and Alex) have been able to cast eyes upon it before now.
“Simple folk are being changed by the evil ways of our invaders. They have forced us from our underground sanctuaries and have taken all our bread (Coal). They force us into the factories where our fathers once worked but now so to war. How do they expect a child like me to work in a factory when the only job I can do is down t’pit. They have changed our food from nutritious Dorkshire Fluppins and Oatcakes to some sludge called Yorkshire Puddings and Pancakes. They mock our mothers through food they call Bakewell Tarts and force us to watch TV all day with four quality channels which dumb us down and make my head hurt. I fear that this will be all that is left of Dorkshire soon, for they are changing things so quickly and we can do little to stop this. If anyone in the future reads this please, please bring back stability and our once shared menial way of life, for the Dork shall be no more!”
There you have it Dorks, from the mouth of a mediocrity, Dorkshire is seen to have died. But the only mediocrities left now are our enemies, those who fight in vain to take away your lives down the pit, perpetrators of falsehoods such as John Clay and the fictional Katie Johnson. You must listen to my Co-Leader Alex and me if you want to bask in the glory that will soon be Dorkshire the New Epoch.
Those that are true Dorks we know of and embrace you as our brothers of coal extraction and thus accumulators of vast wealth, which I shall control, and Alex will guard using the medium of Kung Fu and Sha Ting Blar Kimizal. This wealth shall be used in their great parties to entertain our allies abroad, namely the Cornish and the Western Samoans. All Dorks are duly invited to these great parties, but attendance will be viewed with suspicion of laziness and thus treason against Dorkshire and it’s coal producing might. Eminent Dork geologists and economists from the newly formed elite University of Pontefract (ex Poly) have estimated the coal supply under Dorkshire will last for the next 42,000 years and will create the wealth that will put Dorkshire at the top of the list of all the world’s nations. With global warming and the move towards re-useable sources of energy coal will be in sort supply and it is this monopoly that Dorkshire will exploit. This is the financial backbone of Dorkshire.
Dorkshire is above more that just financial gain though; it will be a nation of thinkers, sportsmen and women, families and education. All of which will be tailored towards the needs of the economy as represented in this simple diagram:
The county now known as Staffordshire will be set up as a national park for Dorks to enjoy once a year where they will be allowed to bask in the beauty that is sunlight (a rare commodity in all countries, but one which will be provided for, for free by the state of Dorkshire).
So there you have it Dorks, a vision of the past, present and future. You have waited patiently for my speech with the exception of our enemies who tried to block it in any way possible. It was never desired to be a great speech, but more of a personal message to those of you that dream of the beauty of Dorkshire. This sets my promises and Alex’s threats in stone, literally as it is inscribed on the block of granite on the summit of Pen-Y-Ghent. So go forth proud Dorks and feel free to leave your factories and head down t’pit and eat Oatcakes once more, for as a wise Dork once joyfully proclaimed:
“The sun never sets down t’pit.”
More speeches to follow, any questions about Dorkshire can be answered in further speeches.
