Mood: Struggling with forbidden love

Now Playing: Darude: "Feel The Beat" from the CD: "Before The Storm", (P) 2000 16inch Records/Stargatemusic Oy, (L) 2000 Stargatemusic Oy/BMG Finland Oy
Movetron: "Romeo & Juliet -Major Mod Mix Original" from the CD: "Soittorasia", (P) & © 1996 PolyGram Finland Oy

I`m sewing my life together now, still, even if I have set my eyes for "Mr. T." - and at the same time I know I can never get him, so I have decided to be nice to him and keep it my little secret, never telling him about my feelings for him. My dear sis, Midnight suggested me that when I`d be ready, I could perhaps tell him about this all, but I know I can`t. Never! It`s a secret that I will take to my grave, because he`s happily married and has a family already, and I won`t go and break his relationship! Besides... although he`s working in a decent profession (I figured out finally what he does for living... Mwahahahaa! ), his relationship with me wouldn`t be socially the most approved. And I don`t want to end up to do something that would be too much socially disapproved. It`s enough when I mess up with the cars and the computers - or had in a relationship with a guy who was somewhat younger than me, but there are some limits even within me too. Besides, I`m rather sure he`s not interested in me as a potential partner, even if my classmate girl asked me yesterday if I knew how many people leave their life-partners because of someone else. I said: "Many, far too many." and continued that I`m not that kind of person. I can`t break someone`s family just to get the man for myself, because then it would be rightful for someone else to do that same to my relationship(s) too.
And what if he wouldn`t be the right kind of person to stand beside me? What if I`m just projecting my emotions on somebody who`s totally different kind of guy compared to Vinnie II, just to get over from my awfully and tragically ended relationship. After all me and Vin II had been speaking about marriage and children too, although I wasn`t warming up for the idea of having children with him and he wasn`t softening for my desire to make a marital contract between us.

Then again, I can`t help thinking about Mr. T. and I know I`d be a real wrong-doer if breaking up his family just to get him for myself. And besides, I truly believe in the thing, that in that case my possible relationship with him shouldn`t be blessed in church if I had been stealing him from his wife. But as said before already, the relationship between me & him would be disapproved in many people`s eyes. For many other reasons than just breaking up his family... And it`s wrong how I feel about him, as I`m breaking against the 10 commandments. I`m desiring somebody else`s spouse, and I can now only try to shut my feelings and pray mercy upon my soul.

Fortunately Midnight thinks the same way with me about the wrongness of my case, because nowadays it seems so hard to find people who would respect their fellow citizens enough not to break up their families. Many, far too many seem to think the current mate, whatever he or she is (a girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband or registered life-partner), is just a thing that slows down the final process of getting that person they have set their eyes for. At times it feels no-one besides me thinks the current partner is a permanent obstacle for me and my dreams of getting the man I`ve fallen for. Only if the couple breaks up for their own reasons - not because of me - I could allow myself to get contact in more serious way with the man in question. After all I`ve been raised to respect the holy marriage, although I know it ain`t always a bed of roses and I know love and marriage are a lot of question of wanting and desiring to do the actions of love and the things that keep the love and the marriage alive. It asks respecting the partner, loyality, strong mind, patience, blindness for other one`s failure points and mistakes, and above all the ability to forgive the mistakes for yourself and your partner. And therefore, since I try my best respecting the holy marriage, I won`t be tearing Mr. T. from his family. "Forbiffen love, forbiffen games - it lasted only days" as Movetron sings. Those lyrics are speaking for my emotions, although I think I have to alter `em a bit:

"I am your Juliet - You are my Romeo
Your smile gives me ride like a rodeo. ( x4 )

In the dark of the night, I told me it`s over now
and soon I`ll be alright, but I didn`t tell me when or how

I tried to tell me a lie, but I found the real thorn
the only reason why, is the neighbourhood where I was born

I am your Juliet - You are my Romeo
Your smile gives me ride like a rodeo. ( x2 )

My father knows it best - I can only make you sad
`cos I am unlike the rest, and don`t know how to please my dad.

If you stay on her side, I will be gone for good.
And I do know, you won`t take a ride
to my side of the neighbourhood.

I am your Juliet - You are my Romeo
Your smile gives me ride like a rodeo. ( x4 )

The only way
I can live my life is pain,
since I can`t see you again.
The secret place, forbidden love, forbidden games - it lasted only days.

Lasted only days ( x3 )

I am your Juliet - You are my Romeo
Your smile gives me ride like a rodeo. ( x6 )

Then again Darude`s "Feel The Beat" speaks for the desperate nuance, how I feel for him and at the same I know my feelings are wrong. I got the bullet into my heart, I`m no longer the same innocent little girl who I used to be. I`ve sold many of my principles - sold more than what I have left anymore. And that`s so sad, so tragical... And I remember it all when I see Mr. T. passing me without knowing I am there. I`m not letting him know I am there - longing to get a forgiving embrace from him and hear him even saying that I`m forgiven - even if he doesn`t feel the same way towards me and that his loyality stays with his wife. That`s what I after all need: a tender hug from somebody who says it`s O.k. the way I am already and he/she would really mean it - accepting me with all my flaws and mistakes as well as my success and moments of victory.