September 5, 2000.
Today was the first day of school. Things are a little hectic right now. i dont know what I'm going to do. Its crazy. John and i broke up so now he's basiclly driving me crazy. I'm going out with ben, who happens to be his best friend. And now i'm like...great. now what do i do? i feel so damn badly right now. People have been like, "you did nothing in that relationship." and " you took john for granted...he's a good guy and you just used him." They dont understand anything. I'm so alone. I dont know what to do..i just ...ugh....i wish he understood. I just...oh god. I wish people would stay in their own buisness and leave me alone. The only people it concerns are John, Ben and me. the way I see it, I tried my hardest to stay in the relationship with john. But I couldnt anymore. It just hurt too damn badly...and I just needed out. I tried to make it work. Honestly. But obviously no one noticed. No one notices a damn thing i do. I dont know why I even try. But if you think about it...are you really supposed to have to work THAT hard on somehting that is going to work? I just dont know anymore. John said that he loves me. I dont doubt that he believes it. but it has gotten to the point where i think that i'm not allowed to be happy unless i'm happy with him. which means i'm never going to be happy ...because right now i cant see us being more than friends, which doesnt even look possible right now. he said he loves me and he wants to be happy. but if he did...he'd keep his mouth shut. I've been in his position and kept my mouth shut. THAT is true love. I dont know what to do anymore. Christ...i wish i didnt feel like slipping right now. i'm scared i will. i hope i dont. anyway, i should go.
Love
Jennifer
