I never thought that there was anything wrong with me. I still dont think so. But others have noticed. I guess everything started to go wrong when i was in the 5th grade. I would steal from the classmates at my catholic school. I would fight with people in my class and get in screaming matches with my mom and dad at home. Things made a turn for the worse when I was getting caught. By 6th grade my dad had my mom arrested, and i had found a way to fight without getting caught. I hated my school and the people that were my "friends." The only way i dealt with this was fighting. I look now and i wasnt just standing up for me and my then 7-year old sister...but i wanted to get hurt fighting. My mom and my grandmother are both alcoholics. I lived in suburbia in the "model american family" so no one really saw it coming. But i started drinking mildly. I would only drink to the point where i couldnt think...which didnt take much. But it was a premonition to later events. By the time that the seventh grade i had become antisocial. I hated the world. I was drinking heavily on my own, hiding it from my parents by doing it at night. I also began to see myself as suddenly extremly fat. I became utterly obsessed with my weight...dieting often....eventually getting to the point where i starved myself down to 80something pounds. My parents noticed that there was something wrong (finally) by the eighth grade. they dragged me to see a therapist and nutritionist. I hated it and was able to lie myself out of it. I made friends with kids in high school, had a boyfriend that was in the 9th grade who beat me, none of whom my parents knew. I started drinking again. I started on heavy drug use. I never got home on weekends before 1 am. I hated life. I saw a pin in my room one day. And thats when i decided it was a good idea to slice myself open. I dragged it across my wrist. Barely left a mark, but it felt good. From that point on, when the drugs and alcohol didnt work, i went to cutting. I continued cutting until i left catholic school. By then, i had gone from the once every month to once a week. When I left catholic school i went to a public school. The cutting subsided for a while. I fell into a group of friends who i thought appreciated me. I broke up with my abusive boyfriend after 8 long months. Everything was going really well. Then my so-called new friends turned on me. They turned me out and ridiculed me. In May of my freshman year i swallowed half a bottle of pain-killers to the tune of Kid Rock's "Only God Knows Why". I passed out on my kitchen floor. But i woke up there too. Never went to the hospital. That is where my past ended. Now we can go on to the present, my tenth grade year. *...and then we look at the present* HOME
By the time that the seventh grade i had become antisocial. I hated the world. I was drinking heavily on my own, hiding it from my parents by doing it at night. I also began to see myself as suddenly extremly fat. I became utterly obsessed with my weight...dieting often....eventually getting to the point where i starved myself down to 80something pounds. My parents noticed that there was something wrong (finally) by the eighth grade. they dragged me to see a therapist and nutritionist. I hated it and was able to lie myself out of it. I made friends with kids in high school, had a boyfriend that was in the 9th grade who beat me, none of whom my parents knew. I started drinking again. I started on heavy drug use. I never got home on weekends before 1 am. I hated life. I saw a pin in my room one day. And thats when i decided it was a good idea to slice myself open. I dragged it across my wrist. Barely left a mark, but it felt good. From that point on, when the drugs and alcohol didnt work, i went to cutting.
I continued cutting until i left catholic school. By then, i had gone from the once every month to once a week. When I left catholic school i went to a public school. The cutting subsided for a while. I fell into a group of friends who i thought appreciated me. I broke up with my abusive boyfriend after 8 long months. Everything was going really well. Then my so-called new friends turned on me. They turned me out and ridiculed me. In May of my freshman year i swallowed half a bottle of pain-killers to the tune of Kid Rock's "Only God Knows Why". I passed out on my kitchen floor. But i woke up there too. Never went to the hospital. That is where my past ended. Now we can go on to the present, my tenth grade year.
*...and then we look at the present* HOME
