ENTRY SEVEN: I’m a College Survivor
I’ve been going through a strange couple of weeks. College has come, and that means that everyone is going their separate ways, to educate themselves and to discover who and what they want to be in life. But you see, I’m going to community college this semester. That’s not bad, it just means that I’ll educate myself and discover who and what I want to be while I’m sober. But these past few weeks have been so strange because it’s like a going away party that NEVER ends. If you go away to school, you throw a party your last night home and everyone comes over, you say goodbye to everyone, and you leave. You get all the good-byes out in one sitting, and then you get ready for all the hellos you have to do at school. But in my world, you’re the guy who goes to every going away party and you’re the guy who has to say goodbye on 15 different occasions. It may sound like it really sucks, but it doesn’t. Like everything else special in life, if you get too much of it all at once you just grow indifferent to it. It's like a girl who never leaves your side, like old compliments, and school...if you get too much of it, it just isn't special anymore. I don’t feel like I’m getting left behind because, well, I don’t care. Here’s an example of a typical conversation I would have had at a going away party from 2 weeks ago.
University-Bound Student: I’ll see you at Thanksgiving Dave. Bye.
Dave: Gimme a call sometime next week man, keep in touch. Later. (Hug)
And now...
University-Bound Student: I’ll see you at Thanksgiving Dave. Bye.
Dave: (while watching American Idol and not getting up from couch) Oh yeah…Thanksgiving…mmm cranberry Jell-O…NOT TAMAYRA! NOOOOOO! (Dave waives hand at leaving student in a ‘whatever’ fashion while passionately showing distaste for Tamayra’s departure from American Idol)
Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I don’t like the people leaving, it’s just that leaving for college isn’t cool anymore. It was a one-week fad like the XFL. I just want to take this time to clarify to the people that I didn’t give a proper goodbye to that I don’t hate you and I do miss you, but nothing is fun when you get to much of it. Like bananas. (Don’t ask, it involves 12 bananas, a dare, and a mop. - true story)
I try to have fun with the situation I’m in. The way I see it, my friends and me are all on Survivor and I’m the winner, the last person to get kicked off. I think I took my “Survivor/Going-Away-To-College” comparison too far last week with my friend Bill (names changed to protect the innocent). You see, Bill was throwing a going away party and it was outside and everything, so he had those tiki-torches to keep the bugs away. So I took some logs, arranged them like benches and gave everyone at the party tiki-torches that I ripped out of the ground. People sat on the benches and talked amongst themselves not paying attention to my schemes as usual, when Jeff Probst walked in!!! (Well, it wasn’t really Jeff Probst, the host of Survivor, it was one of Bill’s great uncles who looked a hell of a lot like him, and people believed it. So that’s all that matters.) Everyone got really quiet except for me cuz I was trying to duplicate the Survivor theme song by making noises, but all the "ohhs" and "wheys" ended up sounding more like “Hot in Herre” by Nelly for some reason. Then great uncle Jeff Probst spoke.
Jeff: Bill, please come forward and bring your torch. (Bill walks to Jeff, star-struck)
Dave in background: Oh…whey…oh…good gracious ass is bodacious…whey
Jeff: You’ve been kicked out of Lake County Bill. (Puts out tiki-torch) The tribe has spoken.
Dave in background: oh…whey…unless you gonna do it…oh…whey…dirtay…
So Bill walked away in total confusion, and I haven’t seen him since then. Some people say he went to college, but I think he tried to be a correspondent for Access Hollywood or something like most former “Survivors” do. And you know what the best part about the whole situation was? I didn’t have to say goodbye! No tight hug, no uncomfortable silence, no promises that you know won’t be kept...just Uncle Jeff, the tiki-torches, and yo Dirtay Nelly. It was the best going away party of ALL TIME. Eventually I did it to the rest of my friends who were leaving and it’s gotten to the point where I’m the only one left. I won College Survivor!
But now I have no friends.
Eh, you win some you lose some I guess. Turns out those community college kids aren’t as bad as I thought they’d be. As a matter of fact they're really colorful cuz they all have different reasons for staying home…grades, parents, significant other, money, jobs, and even (no lie) drug dealing. They also share my experience of College Survivor in their own respective ways. But the best thing is probably that we all have cars...
Cut Scene: Shot of Dave driving through mountains with 4 gnarly babes who all have cars and access to a bedroom without a roommate. Smooth Jazz rolls in the background as Dave shifts gears and the babes who are totally off the hotness rocker giggle in ecstasy.
Oh yeah, I could get used to this…oh crap I have to go, my mom has to use the computer.
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