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10 Things Women Should Know
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• Post-sex is the worst time to time to talk about serious stuff. If you were smart, you'd talk about it before the sex, so we have a reason to listen to your jibber-jabber. Post-sex thoughts are reserved for sandwiches, cigarettes, and sleep.
• Everyone is not out to get you. There is not a crazy woman at work who wants to destroy you, and the guy who works at Burger King does not want to rape you. These are figments of your imagination that you come up with because women live for drama.
• Men may be stupid, but women are crazy. If you hear about a parent drowning their children in their bathtub, that's probably a woman. If you hear about someone robbing a convenience store of candy bars, that's probably a guy.
• There is a time and a place for everything. There will be no shopping during any sporting event of proportion. There will be no cuddling during movies. There will be no hand holding unless you are falling off a cliff. And there will be no Will and Grace ever.
• 99% of all fights in relationships occur when a woman is having her period. I have a theory for this. You see, women are jealous. All the time. They get mad when we hang out with our friends, and they get mad when we hang out with other girls. But most importantly they get mad when they can't get any. Women are just as perverted as men. The other 1% occur when women are pregnant.
• Give head. I can't believe there are women that still don't give head or think they shouldn't have to give head after college. That's ridiculous. If we can spoon and cuddle, which goes against all guy morals, you can mouthify the wang. I don't care if you have canker sores, I don't care if you have a gag-reflex, you can try. Be a trooper and take one for the team. And don't say it's gross. Muff-diving is ten times nastier and we still do that.
• We don't really care why you wore this outfit with those shoes, or why you wore this shade of eye shadow with this top, but we listen because we love you.
• We don't want to meet your family unless we are engaged or whipped. Please remember this.
• Once in a while, it doesn't hurt to pay for going out or to pay for dinner. That's a sure-fire way to get your guy from rubber band to flag pole in no time flat.
• You are not fat.