ENTRY THREE: It’s a Mini-World after all.
Size does matter. Oh yes my friends, it matters more than Britney Spears’ new video and its effects on little girls self-image (but not as much as her relationship with Justin, for that would be too much mattering). But it’s a big thing in society today, no pun intended. Look at normal things in the world: muffins, cars, golf, and people for instance. All have a mini-form. And this mini form is useless. It serves no purpose; the only reason it exists is because people are lazy. I will go through each of my given examples to further illustrate how pointless their existence is.
The mini-muffin. Don’t get me wrong, I love muffins. But do I really need a mini-muffin? To be frank, I would rather have a whole traditional muffin. So why does the mini-muffin exist? Some say it’s because some people don’t want to eat a whole muffin at one time, but if you can’t tackle a muffin Mon ami, I think you have some other problems to sort out before you tackle the perplexity of the muffin. Like what does Mon ami mean? Truth be told, the reason the mini-muffin exists is because there once was a great English King who couldn’t eat muffins because he could only open his mouth about yay-high (yay-high is about wee-big). So he ordered all of his men to create a mini-muffin that could fit into his mouth because he loved the muffin more than any of his multiple wives. And they did. This resulted in the Confection-Smallerizing Craze of the 1600s, and the King went on to invent the Dunkin' Donuts munchkin. God bless that man.
Cars. Have you seen these new Mini® cars? Well if you haven’t, they look like boxes, only smaller and with windshields. The staple of every European cabby has now become the latest yuppie trend! Well, I don’t know what marketing genius came up with that one, (definitely not Juan) but I suspect he also created the Minivan, the Mazda Miata ®, and the human taxicab. Also known as the rickshaw, The human taxicab is quite possibly the worst profession in the world. But it’s very easy to start a human taxi cab service, all you need is a cart with wheels, sickly looking employees, and advancement opportunities such as becoming a human limousine. And maybe an odd vehicle license (need not apply in South Carolina) which can be used for other transportation methods that are different, such as a giant ant or a pogo stick taxi service. But yes, Mini® car = Mini Brain ®, unless you live in the city.
The next topic to address is golf. There is golf, and there is mini-golf. If you ask me, golf is a hobby, not a sport. I agree that it takes a considerable amount of skill, but so does Dungeons and Dragons © and that is not a sport. Dave thinks maniacally to himself, “If they ever made Dungeons and Dragons a sport, I would be the MVP of the Multi-Universe! Eat that Tiger Woods!” Don’t get me wrong, I like mini-golf just as much as any other common Midwesterner. But the only reason it exists is because people are lazy. They don’t feel like walking the whole fairway to get to the putting green, so it’s just putting. It doesn’t work that way! We don’t have baseball diamonds with only the 3rd base line, we don’t have 10-yard football fields, and we don’t have express lines and the Human and Odd Transportation Taxicab DMV, SO WHY MINI GOLF? WHY!?!
And don’t forget about mini-people. There are lots of them, and I bet you’re saying, “Dr. Delicious Dave, where do mini-people come from?” Well Billy, I’m no Mr. Wizard, but I’ll give it a shot.
~ Dr. Delicious Dave would like to apologize ahead of time for the POTTY MOUTH topic he is about to discuss. He would like to excuse himself to Cosby fans and whippersnappers all over the world, because he is about to utter the most vile of all words. ~
“It all starts with sex Billy. You see, two people will be having sex, but then they get tired, so they stop. This stoppage prevents the child from growing to its full physical potential. So, in essence, mini-people exist because people are lazy.”
~ This ends Dr. Delicious Dave’s POTTY MOUTH topic for which he is ashamed of. He wishes to apologize again to all, and if this has offended you personally, you may pelt him with rocks and potato chips when you see him next but please, no sharp chips with ridges and not in the face. ~
So you see, everything that is mini exists because people are lazy. Lazy chewers, lazy drivers, lazy golfers, and lazy ~ POTTY MOUTH ~ sex partners. And interestingly enough, you’ll never find huge versions of these things, unless someone is trying to break a Guinness World Record. So if everyone is trying to get smaller and mini…does that mean smaller is better??? Word to your abuelo.
Back in the USSR!...or Daveland