ENTRY NINE: Sellout in aisle 5...
I was talking to this kid in my English class today, let’s call him Ralph. Ralph seemed like a friendly kid, and to start some conversation he asked me what bands I like. I rattled off a few bands and he got this scowl on his face. Then he said, “You’re a sellout.” You see, Ralph is one of those kids who has a spikey belt that can’t really hurt anyone, and he wears ties with T-shirts. His comment got me thinking though…I’m not a sellout. If I was a sellout, I’D BE RICH! And I’m not. But seriously, I’d sellout in 5 seconds if I had the chance. I think anyone would, even Ralph. We’d all do it in different ways, but me; I’d go for the gusto. I’d take the sellout cake like a fiancée at a bachelor party.
Selling out isn’t as easy as it looks though. It has to be the right product for the right person. Some sellouts just don’t make sense. Like Catherine Zeta-Jones. Why the hell is one of the most bodacious babes on the planet doing commercials for cell phones? She should be selling things that you associate with her, like condoms or old men. But instead they have her in commercials with guys who don’t deserve to grace her presence. In one commercial, she gives this guy a phone, and he wastes it by calling his friend and listening to a kung-fu marathon that he’s watching on TV. What? That’s like listening to porno. Who the hell does that? Apparently it’s a common occurrence in the T-Mobile universe. This is an example of a bad way to sellout. It was definitely not conceived by the marketing genius Juan.
Some people know how to sellout. I remember seeing this commercial with Usher in it (You know, the guy who dances and looks like a monkey? Personally I think it would be better if Usher was an actual monkey; imagine a small monkey doing choreographed dance moves and singing, “You don’t have to call, It’s OK girl, cuz Ima be around tonight!”) Well anyway, it’s a Twix commercial, which makes sense cuz Usher is brown and so are Twix. And Usher is dancing in this magical world of chocolatey-caramel-computer-generated-goodness and he’s busting a move on top of a giant cookie bar with chocolate waterfalls in the background. Then he’s driving a car in the confectionery-clad world and the car keeps changing styles every few seconds and his clothes change when his car does too. And on top of that he’s rapping a song that was specifically written about Twix. He raps about crunchy cookie, smooth chocolate, and gooey caramel. Usher sells out like a pro. He does it right. This is a guy who got nominated for a Grammy…a Grammy! (I guess that's not saying much, e.i. Bananarama) And nobody cares that he’s dancing on a cookie the size of a port-a-potty. That’s what famous people do. They sellout. But hot damn, Usher does it with some serious style! All famous people should sellout like he does. For example…Donovan McNabb, the Pro Bowl Quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles does commercials for Chunky Soup. They're ok, but they’re not anywhere near Usher status. Here’s what the Chunky Soup commercials should be like...
The Best Chunky Soup Commercial ever thought of…
Donovan McNabb walks into a stadium from the tunnel…only it’s not a stadium…it’s a giant bowl of Chunky Soup! The opposing team has mutated into giant beef chunks, the football has turned into a carrot, and it’s up to Donovan to get the carrot in the endzone. But on top of that, he has flames all over him for NO APPARENT REASON, and he’s rapping!
“Chunky Soup it’s the one that is so hot,
Chunks of veggies and beef yeah, it’s hitting the spot!”
-Donovan vaults over tackling beef chunks.
“You better unbuckle your belt and make some room,
Chunky Beef Soup is sure to overload your spoon!”
-Donovan pulls a spin move on a charging piece of broccoli.
“So you got hos, ice, and a Bentley coupe,
But you’re not a player till you get some Chunky Soup!”
-Donovan dives into endzone under gravy tidal wave and scores the game-winning touchdown. Donovan stands up as the crowd roars and then he celebrates by shoving his face in the endzone and eating.
NOW THAT’S SELLING OUT. If he actually did this, would anyone care? Hell no. I bet they’d sell more Chunky Soup than ever before and maybe Donovan would sign with the Ruff Ryders or Roc-A-Fella. Now since we’ve looked at good and bad ways to sellout, I’m going to let you know how I want to sellout someday. Drum roll please…
It’s midnight, a full moon. Dave is running down an alley in the heart of the city. He looks over his shoulder frantically, “No one there”, he whispers. He turns a corner, and he sees a door at the end of the alley. He runs to the door, opens it, and slams it behind him. Dave slumps against the door, his heart beating out of his chest. He opens his eyes…OH NO! Puppets dressed as ninjas! A Puppinja (short for puppet-ninja) steps forward. He is 3 feet tall, orange, has a big red nose, and a nametag on his ninja outfit says "Beachball." Beachball “ speaks in a voice that sounds strangely like Christopher Walken. “You invade…the secret puppinja training ground. So now…you DIE!” The puppinja posse swarms at Dave, but he stays calm. Classical music strikes up in the background and everything turns to slow motion. A puppinja flies at Dave, he punches it and it flies out the window. He kicks another in the stomach and it melts. Then he picks up a small yellow-green puppinja and begins beating the other puppinjas with it until Beachball screams. "STOP!” Classical music and slo-mo stop. Everyone freezes and stares at Beachball. “Time…for…secret weapon.” The puppinjas scamper like monkeys back to Beachball. Dave is confused. He backs away in disarray. He looks down to his nipples, for they are cold because the puppinjas ripped his shirt off. A small round puppinja snickers in the corner rubbing Dave’s shirt all over his body. Beachball presses a button on his belt and a door to Dave’s right opens. A stranger walks in from the shadows…oh my God, it’s Will Smith! Will does an octo-flip (8 times) and lands on Dave’s shoulders. Will begins to pummel Dave, “Welcome to Earth,” he says as he hits him. Dave is bleeding on the ground, defeated. The puppinjas laugh. It seems all is lost. All Dave can do is whisper; “Help me…” The ceiling breaks in. The classical music comes back. Will Smith gets kicked in the face and flies back. It’s…it’s…The Pope! “I’m the new hotness, you’re the old busted joint,” the Pope says. Then he flies over to Will and Beachball and he begins to rap as panties fall from the sky.
“John Paul II has seen a lot in his day,
But nothing as bad as the movies you make.”
-The Pope uppercuts Will Smith over the moon.
“Beachball it’s time to stop the playa hatin’,
You’re nothing but a fuzzy wannabe Satan!”
-Pope rips off Beachball's head and the spinal cord hangs down, fatality style. Dave walks over to the Pope and puts his arm around him. Dave Raps.
“Now you better all listen to what The Pope says,”
-The Pope raps
“Get to your nearest store and buy some PEZ!”
-The camera zooms in on The Pope’s teeth, which have been replaced by PEZ. A message comes on the screen.
“Buy PEZ, The Pope likes them, shit!”
Hey, it could happen…MCWOOOOOOOOORLD!
Daveland Ahoy!