During the treacherous trip to the giant chicken chunk a few things happened.
- Shockey officially renamed the Butterknife the "Not Gay Testosterone Drill of Mass Destruction That Isn't a Dildo."
- Brett made a poopy on the floor.
- Gimili said something about being short.
- Everybody laughed.
- Brett cried because there is no Clifford the Big Red Dog in space.
- Jeremy Shockey's anger started to build.
Our heroes now find themselves drilling into the giant chicken chunk. The "Not Gay Testosterone Drill of Mass Destruction That Isn't a Dildo" slams into the surface of the poultry planet and begins to drill. But wait...it isn't working.
"Damn it Cap'n! She don 'ave the power!" Gimili yelled. Shockey flipped random switches and punched the dashboard inside the cockpit in an angry frenzy.
"Shit! Now the whole world is going to die!" Shockey exclaimed.
"It's hard to frown," Brett Favre exclaimed, "When your mouth is so happy from fruit snacks!"
Simultaneously Gimili and Shockey kicked Brett Favre in the groin. This did nothing because he has no penis, so Gimili just chopped his head off. Then, out of nowhere, Jaleel White came through in a transmission on the video screen.
"Ok boys, it¡¯s time to go to plan B."
"What's plan B?" Gimili asked.
"You'll see," Jaleel said, "Now Shockey, I need you to look at this screen and you have to promise me that you won't take your eyes off no matter how painful it is to watch. Do you understand?"
"What's this all about Jaleel?"
"You'll see Shockey...starting NOW!"
Suddenly there was a rapid-fire score of images of angry fans yelling at Jeremy Shockey. They were all yelling at him, flicking him off, and throwing beer in his direction. Shockey began to get angry. Very angry. Then Jaleel pulled out the big guns. An instant replay of the New York Giants controversial playoff loss to the San Francisco 49ers, and an image of a referee sipping tea with Hitler. Shockey was officially off his anger rocker. A strange yellow light began to emanate from his body, and when Shockey looked at Gimili he noticed his hair was standing straight on end.
"My friend...," Gimili said as he backpedaled, "You've turned into a demon!"
Jaleel chimed in.
"He's not a demon Gimili. It's his superpowers. You see, Shockey isn't just a name. Jeremy's ancestors are descended from the mighty god Thor. So when Jeremy is in a sticky situation, he can call upon the powers of Thor to aid him. Jeremy, are you ready to blast to the center of the chicken chunk?"
"Uner fleeben flouben flowben!"
Then Shockey tore at the ground with his lightning wrapped fists with a passion that you only see in Gatorade commercials. And in a matter of moments the two of them were at the center of the giant corrupted chicken chunk of chaos. Shockey returned to his normal state and collapsed to the ground.
"Gimili...what happened?"
"My lad, you tore at the ground until we reached the meaty soul of this asteroid of poultry doom!"
"Strange," Shockey said as he stood up, "I have an urge to listen to Abba."
They looked at the world around them in astonishment. It was the most beautiful chicken cave they had ever seen. It smelled like the best chicken and it looked like the best chicken the Earth had to offer. But they immediately saw there was a problem. The only way to get to the absolute center was across a ten foot chasm.
"We have to jump Gimili."
Gimili dropped his jaw.
"Are you motherfucking serious? I couldn't make that jump if there were 70 virgins on the other side."
"Ok, I'll throw you," Shockey said.
"No one throws a dwarf!" Gimili said, "Especially an elf!!!"
"What?" Shockey asked in surprise.
"Are you daft? An elf! Look at you! You¡¯re a blond haired blue-eyed bastard of an elf if I ever saw one!"
"I'm not an elf Gimili," Shockey argued, "'¡¯m a man with blond hair and blue eyes!
"Oh sure, that's what they all say. Then they start showing off and...and walking on top of snow to piss you off. Next thing you know they're peeping on your wife when she¡¯s naked from 5 miles away!"
"What!?!"
"You ain't throwing me anywhere so you may as well...AHHHHH!" Gimili said as he pointed over Shockey's shoulder.
"What is it?" Shockey asked.
"GIANT CHICKENS! GIANT CHICKENS!"
There was a group of giant chickens charging straight at our heroes with their beaks sharpened and a bloodlust in their eyes. And someone was leading the charge...
"THE PAIN TRAIN'S COMING!!! CHOO CHOO!!!"
"Oh my god," Jeremy said, "It's Terry Tate: Office Linebacker!"
"IT'S TERRY TATE: CHICKEN CAVE LINEBACKER NOW!" Terry screamed as he ran, "I CHANGED THE NAME TO BRING THE PAIN!"
"Quick, throw me!" Gimili yelled. So Shockey launched him across the pit, and Gimili tumbled as he hit the other side. Shockey ran to grab the bomb and quickly pivoted around, leaping across the chasm just in time to avoid Terry Tate¡¯s tackle.
"THIS AIN'T YOUR HOUSE SHOCKEY!" Terry yelled, "DO I GO INTO YOUR HOUSE AND DRILL HOLES IN IT WITH MY MAGICAL POWERS? NO JEREMY, NO!" Terry Tate leaped across the pit, leaving his chicken minions on the other side and charged towards Shockey, who was just getting up.
"YOU TRY TO BLOW UP THE CHICKEN, I GOTS TO GIVE YOU A WHIPPIN!" Terry said as he pounded Shockey into the ground. The bomb flew out of Shockey's hands as he was tackled and Gimili ran over to pick it up.
"Quick Shockey! Get open!" Gimili yelled as he pulled back to throw the bomb to Shockey. Shockey ran a slant route towards the absolute center of the chicken chunk. But Terry Tate was standing there waiting for him.
"YOU WANNA CATCH THE PASS? IMA KICK YOU IN THE ASS!"
Shockey ran head on into Terry Tate and the two titans collided. They wrestled back and forth, throwing one another to the ground in their unbridled fury. Gimili watched them fight with despair in his heart. All he could do was cheer.
"That's right! Kill the damn elf! Uh...I mean...Go Shockey, you...um...rockey!"
Then at that exact moment Shockey grabbed Terry Tate by his diamond encrusted Reebok symbol necklace and he spun him around with it. He spun around and around, like a whirling dervish until Shockey finally released him. Terry flew off into the distance.
"Quick Gimili, throw it now!"
Gimili cocked his arm back and threw and absolute prayer of a pass to Shockey. The ball soared through the air and time seemed to freeze, like when you fart in public and hope no one notices that you dropped a total bomb. Without warning, Terry Tate came charging towards Shockey like a freight train, and Shockey didn't see him. Gimili watched hopelessly as Terry charged with retribution on his mind. Shockey jumped up in the air to catch the wobbly dwarven pass, and as he soared through the chickeny sky he saw Terry jumping towards him out the corner of his eye.
"DIDN'T YOU READ THE LATEST TPS REPORT, I'M THE JUDGE IN THE ASS-BEATIN COURT! OK JEREMY? DO YOU GET ME JEREMY?" Terry yelled as he pulled his fist back.
But it was Shockey's time to shine. Shockey hit Terry with a devastating roundhouse kick in midair, and Terry tumbled to the ground. But all for naught, the pass was too high! Shockey only managed to tip it with his fingers, so he and the bomb danced in and out of each others grasp as they plummeted to the ground. Gimili turned his head away in apprehension, and he heard a thud on the ground. When he turned around he saw Shockey...WITH POSSESSION OF THE BOMB! TOUCHDOWN! Shockey slammed the ball into the ground and the timer started. Shockey and Gimili ran back up the hole to the "Not Gay Testosterone Drill of Mass Destruction That Isn't a Dildo" and they took off just as the giant chicken chunk exploded.
When they landed at Giants Stadium there was a huge crowd that had gathered to congratulate them. Jaleel was the first to greet them as the walked off the ship formerly known as Butterknife.
"Here's the front page of the paper boys." Jaleel said as he handed them the New York Times. It read: "Retarded Redneck Dies in Space"
"Not that headline," Jaleel said, "The one on the top." The headline on the top read: "Ebony and Ivory. Elf and Dwarf save the world."
"By the Mines of Moria! You lied to me you conniving bastard!" Gimili yelled.
"God damn it I'm not an elf!" Shockey yelped.
"I know," Jaleel said, "But it's a rare condition, in this day and age, to read any good news, on the newspaper page..."
Then the entire crowd of Giants Stadium began to sing along to the theme from Family Matters as chunks of chicken rained from the sky into bowls of noodles and chicken broth that were being passed out to all the fans. Then everyone sang the final line to the Family Matters theme song...altered just a little.
"Days go byyyyyyy...but it's the bigger chicken....in the chunky soup."
FIN
I want to thank you for taking the time out to read The Chunky Soup movie. This rant took more effort than any other one I have done before, so I really appreciate it. Thanks Duderanchers, you're the bestest. ~ Dr. Delicious
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