ENTRY ELEVEN: It's a Hard Knock Life.
I live a rough life. Growing up in the tough streets of Lake County Illinois taught me how to hold my own in tough situations. Like toughing out long lines at Starbucks, finding stuff to do while my pizza is being delivered, and weathering the cold wind while pumping gas into a car that my parents bought for me. That's right, I graduated Summa Cum Laude from the School of Hard Knocks, and I'm still breathing. Growing up in the streets has taught me a lot, especially how hard I have it. Some people in this world live a life that is way too easy. I mean, for Christ's sake they don't even know what it's like to go over your minutes on your cell phone. It's time to teach these pretty boys a lesson.
What's it like to sleep and suck tits all day? I dunno, why don't you go ask a baby? These bastards are living the dream. Can you imagine a fully grown man sleeping every two hours, having someone clean up all his shit, and feeling up boobs all day? That's quite a nasty thought if you ask me. So why the hell do we let these little assholes get away with it? And on top of that, people think they're cute. I'm sorry, but when was the last time drooling and shitting was cute? You know what I say? Teach those babies a lesson. Make em get jobs and earn their keep like everyone else. I'm sure we could find jobs that they could do like...umm...baby paperweight or baby boat anchor or something. I think we can find better jobs for babies than diaper commercials. Yeah you know, the commercials with some sort of fairy tale theme where at the end you inevitably see a shot of a baby's butt. Why is it they can show baby ass on mainstream TV, and not full grown ass? What's the difference, a couple pounds? A little jelly never hurt nobody. People go ballistic when Britney Spears wears see through pants but everybody thinks its just dandy when Baby No-Pants discovers Huggies have re-adjustable straps. And at what point does this become child pornography? Wanna put R. Kelly in jail? That's a waste. Make him direct diaper commercials. God knows he's got more experience at stuff like than anyone else. That way everybody wins and we can all go nuts.
Speaking of nuts let's move on to the next freeloader. The college campus squirrel. Man, have you seen these motherfuckers? They're some sort of mutant squirrel. I mean seriously, squirrels should not be that fat. It boggles the mind to think of how something that small got so damn big. Well, the truth is that we lazy college students like to litter, and one man's trash is another squirrel's Old Country Buffet. These things are so inexplicably large. They remind me of the Super Orcs from Lord of the Rings. They're two times bigger than the original version, and these furry wankers are tough as nails. You can walk past one from one foot away and they won't even blink. And if you walk head-on towards one they just sit there and stare at you like a friggin huge bouncer.
Sometimes I look up at the sky and I think about how little I am in this gi-nourmous universe. I think about all the other planets and all the other people on earth, and how they all have people they love. And sometimes I think about astronauts...AND HOW MUCH THEY SUCK. Being an astronaut is quite possibly the most pointless job in the world.
The way I see it everyone needs to pay their dues, and these people-things need to put some time into the dues-paying-department. They're all playerhaters and a bunch of wankstas. That's right...wankstas
(Dr. Delicious walks towards orc-squirrel, orc-squirrel folds arms. Dr. Delicious walks closer, orc-squirrel menaces. Dr. Delicious gets a step away from it. Orc-squirrel speaks.)
Orc- Squirrel: You better get the fuck back whiteboy, you ain't gettin anywhere near this nutstash. (Dr. Delicious runs away, weeping.)
Now the only way we can bring down the college campus squirrel is to stop littering...but that would mean doing something for the hippies, and I don't like that.
Dr. Delicious: So what do you do for a living?
Astronaut: I go into outerspace. I'm an astronaut.
Dr. Delicious: Ah. So basically we spend billions of dollars on you as taxpayers so you can go into space, turn a few knobs, pee in a tube, and basically be a selfish asshole.
Astronaut: ...Basically yes.
Think about it this way...What has an Astronaut done for you recently? Astronauts are so damn greedy. We give them all this money so they can go on the vacation of a lifetime. And it's not even that cool. I mean, floating around would be cool, but turning knobs, reading meters and flipping switches ain't exactly my idea of a good time. And why do these guys deserve to go into space? We didn't vote on it. They didn't win a reality TV show.
Contradicting asshole: Astronauts prepare their entire lives for one mission Dr. Delicious, if that is your real name!
So these morons spent their entire life training for three days of vacation that they have to do work on? Sounds kinda pathetic to me. Like a pre-pubescent boy who wakes out with his pillow until he finally gets a kiss...and it's from a man. And if this whole idea of an "astronaut" isn't bad enough, they live off a pension after their first and ONLY mission. So that means we're paying for their Florida beach house and their Oldsmobile(s). I don't want to give these guys money. Give my money to cancer research, not Buzz. It's not like these astronauts conquered Neptune or colonized Io. They did nothing. They deserve nothing. If your kid tells you he wants to be an astronaut, tell him to save his time and drop out of school. Or better yet, give him to R. Kelly.
Say you a spaceman,
But you aint never did nothing,
Say you a wanksta,
And you need to stop studying,
Go to the outerspace,
But you aint never conquered nuthin,
You been turning knobs a long time and you aint got nuthin.
DAMN HOMEY!
Baby got back...so does this link.