ENTRY 19: The Cubs Suck.
I hate the Cubs. Ok…let me rephrase that. I hate the Cubs and everything that is associated with them. If the Cubs were hanging off the edge of a cliff with their children dangling from their legs…I would throw water balloons at them. Water balloons full of bullets. Out of a gun.
But let me explain myself. I grew up outside Chicago, so naturally I have an opinion about everything, and Chicago baseball is no exception. Most people get their team loyalties from their family, or from the area they live in. Well most Cubs fans are from the north side, and most Sox fans reside on the south side. Once you go further south its all Cubs fans, all across the country, and you have to go to Esteban Loiza’s Madre’s house in Mexico or back to 1919 Cincinnati to find White Sox fans (if you don’t get the Cincinnati reference…I don’t respect your opinion.) Well my Dad is an equal opportunity guy, so he grew up as a fan of baseball. He watches the Cubs and the Sox in both win and loss because he loves baseball. And I respect that. A lot. But as a child, I analyzed the situation, realizing that I could choose which team I would like to root for. And I saw the Cubs. A fairly good squad in the early 90’s led by nice guy Ryne Sandburg and nice guy Mark Grace. Then I saw the Sox, led by a rookie Frank Thomas and bad boy Jack McDowell. To be honest, they were pretty even in talent. So here’s how I made my decision…
I saw the Cubs organization as losers. And they are. Fuck the 2003 season. I mean it was a damn good season, and a great run at the Series…but fuck it, its one year. This is an organization that embraces losing. They feed off the stigma of being the losers of the MLB, and they like it. The organization likes it that is. There are a few pissed off Cub fans out there right now, but I’m sorry, I can’t feel sorry for you. You choose to cheer for losers. And that’s wrong. Damn wrong. It’s like cheering for Canadians at the Olympics. You shouldn’t cheer. You should boycott. You should get pissed off and refuse to go to games. You should BOO Sammy Sosa everyday for being a phony and not being able to tell the truth. Make a difference with your team. Stop being an oblivious fan and get pissed off. You should be in the World Series right now, and you’re not. It wasn’t a “wild ride”. Don’t give me the “Thanks for the Memories” bullshit. You know what the 2003 slogan should be? “Fuck you guys. You blew it.” It’s like now that the Cubs had a good season everyone is on Rocky Mountain High and it’s all fabulous. You remind me of an 80’s John Hughes movie. An eternal loser who always sucks at everything finds the love of his life at the end of the movie, inevitably making out with the hottest girl in the school. They never show what happens after that. Want to know what happens? The loser goes back to sucking and the chick fucks the quarterback. Huzzah! Now you’re a loser without your virginity. But you’re still a loser.
Now let’s address the fair-weather fans. I know that fair-weather fans are inevitable when somebody is winning…but don’t act like you care. Don’t act like you watched the regular season and don’t act like you know more than me. You’re an idiot. An idiot who watches the playoffs so he’ll have something to talk about at the water cooler. An idiot who watches the game at the bar because there might be hot chicks there. You are the reason reality TV is still around, SUVs sell, and bottled water is chic. God dammit I hate you. You cheapen baseball. You bastardize what makes the playoffs so so special in any sport. True fans watch the 20-1 blowouts till the bottom of the 9th so they can watch their players adjust and improve. So they can fill out scorecards. I bet you change the channel at commercials in a one run ballgame to catch the end of Fear Factor. You don’t love the game, you don’t love the Cubs, you love the circus. Which brings me to my next point…
Wrigley Field. First off, it’s a pretty good place to watch a game. Correction, very good. There’s a few poles here and there blocking vision, but for the most part there isn’t a bad seat. The concourse looks like a World War I trench. It’s a piece of shit and the food tastes like lamb and tuna fish. Beer also is somewhere around 5 dollars a cup, which is average I guess. My beef is that people go to Wrigley for Wrigley. Not to see Mark Prior, one of the best young pitchers in the game pitch. They don’t go to see Kerry Wood strike out 15 batters. They don’t go to see Future Hall of Famer Sammy Sosa act like he didn’t know it was corked, and run out like a monkey to right field. They go to get drunk, hang out in Boys town, and maybe catch a good baseball game. You act like the field is more important than the game. Stop acting like a realtor, I’m not buying your field and all of its “Historical Significance and Aura.” But anyway…let me pose a question. Would the Cubs be as popular as they are today without Wrigley? Fuck no they wouldn’t. Wrigley is a historic site for the MLB. Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, Ted Williams…all of them played on this field. It’s pretty creepy when you think about it. But that’s exactly the problem. The Cubs live off tradition. And their tradition is sucking. Why are you a part of that?
Typical Cubs fan: “My dad, grandpa, and great-grandpa liked the Cubs”
So what? Why are you a slave to tradition? Would they beat you with a sack of oranges if you liked the White Sox? Would you be ostracized? Wait…nevermind…I don’t want you cheering for my team. You’d be content with losing. And as an avid sports fan, I won’t accept that. I demand excellence from my sports teams in the greatest city in the world. But apparently, everyone who plays sports in this city isn’t listening.
I think another reason there are so many Cubs fans is because it’s easy to be a Cubs fan. Typically you don’t have to check the box score (ok, that was a cheap shot). But the thing is you don’t have to explain yourself. You’re a Cubs fan: A big fat party animal who always has a good time. A guy who enjoys a nice beer and tea-bagging his friends. A guy who watches a few games here and there, usually while doing something else like checking email or surfing the net. You’re always part of the party. You can fit in everywhere, and nobody will question your sports allegiance. But you’re not a real fan. You don’t sweat at 2 outs full count, you don’t bite your nails at the trade deadline, you just know a little here and there. Enough to simulate real baseball intelligence. Now I’m not saying there aren’t hardcore Cubs fans, cuz there are. Like that old lady who cried when the Cubs lost in the NLCS. But my experience has shown me that most of them are frat boy idiots who don’t really care. They just like the party atmosphere. You should be ashamed.
Here is the part where I say stuff to please you pissed off Cub fans. Technically, the White Sox suck as well. We have the 2nd longest streak without a World Series title (1917). But the difference is we aren’t proud of it. We fucking hate it. It keeps us awake at night. It makes us bitter, angry individuals. It drives us to charge the field and attack 1st base coaches. We are pissed. And we’re doing something about it.
Stereotypical argument made by cubs fan: “I didn’t see the Sox in the playoffs this year.”
Yeah you didn’t. That’s great, grand, fine. Thanks for reminding me. I know they didn’t make it. I unlike you actually watched the regular season. You just assumed they didn’t make it cuz they’re from Chicago. I know they didn’t make it, AND IM FUCKING PISSED OFF ABOUT IT. Let’s see, what other arguments have I heard from Cub “fans” who can’t name 5 men on the roster…Oh yes, our field isn’t as good as yours. You’re 100% right. U.S. Cellular is a horrible name, and it’s in a bad part of Chicago. The park is a commercial goldmine, full of consumer whoreism. Hmm what else…Frank Thomas is an ass? Yeah I agree. At least he’s a legit ass unlike Sosa. I respect that. Sosa and his “High Heat – It’s So Real” baseball can suck my real testicles. But notice how most arguments center on the field…you know who you are? You are the asshole who drives an H2 and never shuts up about it while I cart around town in my Ford Taurus. You’re a dick. It’s that simple. You’re a dick. Shut up and talk about the team. God I hate you. I can’t believe I waste my breath trying to prove myself to you when I know you have no idea what I’m talking about cuz you have no idea about anything other than your tradition. Tradition is meant to be broken. So please excuse me while I break your hip.
Take this for what it is. You can think I’m jealous that the Sox didn’t make the playoffs, and you know what, you’re right. I am. You can think I’m some asshole who thinks he’s better than you, and you know what, you’re right, I am. But there’s one thing I’m not that you are. I’m not a Cubs fan. And I’m fucking proud to say that.
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