Entry 17: Let's Buy Free Stuff!!!
About a week or so ago, I decided to have some friends over for an evening soiree. Since I was the host, I was trying to keep everyone entertained and satisfied. One of the things this entailed was serving drinks. I noticed when I asked people what they wanted to drink that a large number of them requested water. That’s right, water. Bottled water. I invite people over, and they drink water. What ever happened to drinking pop? I remember when I was a little kid and I would have to beg my parents for a can of pop that was as big as my head, but I drank the whole damn thing cuz it was such a rush. What ever happened to that feeling? Why don’t people drink pop anymore? I’ll tell you why, cuz it’s a fucking conspiracy.
Who decided to bottle water? It was either the smartest man on the planet or a joke. I think it was a joke by some twisted marketing director.
“I know! We’ll sell something that’s free and tell them it’s purified at a vague mountain in Europe! That’ll work!”
Well, it did work. And you want to know why? Women. Women are the only creatures on this planet irrational enough to buy something that you can get for free. I had a woman try and convince me the other day that pop suffocates your muscles. What? Well maybe if I was inhaling it to my lungs so it could be distributed to my bloodstream so it could reach my muscles instead of oxygen, but I wouldn’t do that, it’d burn. Who the hell comes up with these negative effects of pop? I bet it’s Oprah. Women will listen to anything Oprah says, which is also irrational. Let’s listen to a sexually abused, unmarried, fat, black woman who happens to be the richest woman in America cuz God knows she can relate to my everyday problems. No she can’t. She just wants your money.
Americans have this problem with treating themselves to something good. We feel guilt if something’s too good to be true. Imagine a woman jogging down the street. She probably has a bottle of water. Why not Gatorade? Gatorade actually has a flavor and it’s better for you than water when you’re physically active. And don’t tell me you don’t like the taste cuz Gatorade literally has over 100 flavors as opposed to water, which has a whopping 1 flavor. When people wake up, they drink coffee, mostly for the caffeine. Pop has caffeine too, but no one drinks that in the morning. And coffee tastes like shit. It’s absolutely, without a doubt, horrible. Coffee drinkers tell me, “It’s an acquired taste.” Answer this: Why would you want to grow accustomed to drinking something that tastes like shit? That’s like telling me anal sex is an acquired taste. Why are you starting in the first place??? What the hell is wrong with you??? You hated coffee as a kid, but now since you’re an “adult” coffee is delicious. You’re a slave to the preconceived notions of aging. Why would you want to pay 2 dollars for something out of a faucet and drink shit in the morning to wake up? And I’m the unhealthy one cuz I drink pop. Well, I may not be as healthy as you are physically, but what about mentally? How brainwashed and paranoid do you have to be to believe that your tap water is unclean and filled with pesticides? How much of a consumer whore do you have to be to buy something that has been free since the dawn of time up until 5 years ago? How much of a lemming are you when you get coffee and “Chai Tea” to wake up in the morning, just like every other yuppie-fucking idiot with a condo in Lincoln Park? You my friend, you are an idiot. Stop wasting you money on water and buy yourself some common sense, because Dasani isn’t the purest water on the face of the earth, they just want the dollar you worked hard for. Stop buying into all the media scare-tactic crap you ingest and just drink what tastes good to you, cuz I know it’s not water. Sprite knows what they’re talking about. “Obey Your Thirst”, not the latest trend.
“Oooo, this water’s in a blue bottle, that’s so cute!
"IT’S WATER ASSHOLE! USE THE GODDAMN WATER FOUNTAIN! IT’S NICE AND SHINY AND METALIC, YOU’LL LIKE IT!”
Somehow this trend of women being idiots and buying free stuff has disappointedly crossed over into my circle of friends. But the saddest part is yet to come. The reason they drink it is to be healthy. First of all, the last fucking thing that should be on a 19-year-old guy’s mind is his health. Whether he has Leukemia or he thinks he’s overweight; it’s just depressing that they have to think about their health at such a young age. And secondly, why does he drink water if he thinks he’s too fat? It isn’t because he thinks he’s going to have a heart attack, it’s because of women. Trying to be desirable to the opposite sex. We’re trying to make ourselves presentable to a bunch of Oprah-worshipping idiots who buy items for free. They have given us their disease. Like the English settlers to the Indians, the smallpox (bottled water) is taking us over. I swear to God if someone found a way to make oxygen tanks cute you could sell them to women.
So please, please, please, drink something cuz you like it, whatever it is: Pop, beer, Gatorade, juice, purple stuff, Sunny D…and even water. Just be smart enough to get it from a damn faucet.
I've got a fever...and the only cure...is more DaveLand!