ENTRY ONE: Spiderman and the fanny pack.
Spiderman has been an idol of mine since I was a little child. I spent countless hours in my basement pretend-webslinging and horribly failing in climbing walls. As I aged, Spiderman stayed with me. I still love him, not for his bodacious powers and gnarly costume, but for his character as a man struggling with morals and responsibility. Last week, I went to see the Spiderman movie. I was not disappointed, I thought it was a quality film with a few minor, minor problems. But the repercussions of having a popular film based on your childhood hero bother me. I’ve seen Spiderman on T-shirts, pop cans, cell phones, skateboards, boxers, shot glasses, and Stride Rites?. I guess my point is that people will buy anything with a famous person or character on it. Especially when it’s new and cool. But some famous people and characters get the shaft. Case in point: The Pope. The Pope needs merchandise. I want to run free in my Vatican Fruit of the Looms. I want to slam down some Captain Morgan’s in a Pope shotglass shaped like a chalice. I want to see Pope T-shirts that say “Make Penance?on the front, and “Up Yours?on the back. I want to come to school in fall with my kickin new Roman Catholic Stride Rites? The Vatican is sitting on a gold mine of holy products that could revolutionize the industry. Please holy people, unleash the fashion power of Catholicism!
You know who else gets robbed? Tony Danza. This journeyman of Television has no apparel, not even a fanny pack (Don’t get me started on fanny packs). The Danzinator needs it. I mean, what is he doing right now? He’s probably jaded with some potato chips on his chest singing “Don’t Fear the Reaper?by Blue Oyster Cult whilst bobbing in and out of consciousness. Or watching Family Feud. We need to find him so we can make mike the next big thing in fashion, like those hobo-mitten-glove thingies. Just imagine an Eagles jersey that says “The Garbage-Picking, Field Goal-Kicking, Philadelphia Phenomenon?with the number 1 on it cuz, well, Danza is the Boss.
This brings me back (unfortunately) to the fanny pack. Now, a fanny pack is a pouch-like tote that is strapped to you around your waist via one of those fork-clip thingies. A fanny pack stores many goodies, such as (but not limited to), glasses, suntan lotion, keys, Bengay? gum, etc. The fanny pack is designed to rest above the fanny. (See: Keyster). But I have noticed a new trend in fanny packs: they are being worn on the frontside. This makes it…a crotch pack. This defeats the purpose of the fanny pack, and the name which was cleverly conceived by a Marketing Genius named Juan. I ask for a ban of crotch/fanny packs for one reason. Fanny packs usually have a creative design on the front (Yet another amazing idea by Juan), like Pikachu or Richard Simmons (scratch the cute comment from the record), so people naturally look at them. I find myself staring at a sea of crotches in order to observe the latest fanny pack styles. I would much rather observe the caboose. So if you wear your fanny/crotch/pelvic pack on the front (I’m talking to you Great America Season Pass Holders), do us all a favor and pull a 180 on the keyster pack.
So in conclusion, go see Spiderman the movie, and don’t buy the apparel. Call the Pope and give him the hook up on merchandise and Stride Rites©’s number, find Tony Danza faster than Waldo, and turn those fanny packs like the Byrds. Word to your stepmothers!
Daveland: Visited more than Iceland