The Hamburglar
McDonald's patron saint of patty snatching has been an American staple ever since the inception of the McDonald's planet, with all of its crazy characters like Ronald McDonald, Birdie, The Grimace, and Mayor McCheese. However the Hamburglar stands out from his peers, due to his down to earth nature and "street cred". The Hamburglar had never had it easy. Growing up in the rough streets of Compton, he was forced to fight tooth and nail with his illegitimate brothers and sisters for table scraps at every meal. Hamburglar grew tired of just getting by, so he joined a gang. Not the Crips or the Bloods, no, the Hamburglar joined a smalled gang by the name of "The Poppyseeds."
Hamburglar quickly rose to the ranks of gang leader due to his superior snatching skills. He stole hamburgers all over southern California, nobody was off limits: McDonald's, Burger King, White Castle, Wendy's, Jack in the Box, In and Out Burger, and even Hardees. Hamburglar was riding high...until one fateful day when he mistook a Chick-Fil-A for a burger joint and returned to his "boyz" with a chicken sandwich. Needless to say, his ass got sacked.
The Hamburglar wandered the streets like a stray dog, investing his little money in failed business ventures like Beta Tapes, 8 Tracks, and ColecoVision. The Hamburglar made one last attempt at a career with his little-known gangsta rap CD, "Big Mack Daddy." It tanked harder than a frat boy at an open bar.
The Hamburglar spent the next few years of his life wandering the streets of Los Angeles, until he was busted by the fashion police for wearing black and white horizontal stripes. At the station he ran into a McDonald's marketing executive who was being held in for "excessive use of arches", and the pair struck up a friendship. The rest is history.
Since his resurgence, a few mixtapes of the Hamburglar's early gangsta rap CD have resurfaced. Here are the lyrics to his projected single, "Robble Robble Rob Yo Ass."
Go shawty
It’s your birfday
We gonna fuck in the playplace like its your birfday
We gonna sip McFlurrys like its your birfday
And you know we don’t give a fuck cuz it’s a McDonald’s birfday!
(Chorus)
Robble, Robble, Rob yo ass!
My knuckles are made of brass,
I be smokin the grass and drinkin from a shot glass,
You take a shot at me and it'll be your last,
Hamburglar: Pimpin at the top of the class!
You think its fun and games?
You think I like the burgers?
It's all a front bitch, I'm into dealing and murder.
I don't give a fuck about pickles and cheese,
But you can squeeze my meat while you get on your knees.
I've been with more Ho-Hos than Hostess can tell,
I’ll spread you on the sheets better than Microsoft Excel,
And you can take off your shirt and start to wobble,
I like that right thurr girl Robble Robble.
We can hit it all night and you can call me your daddy,
Then we’ll have a cigarette and some hamburger patties.
Cuz this is Hamburglar loving with my elaborate style,
So bend it over baby, “I Love To See You Smile.”
Robble and Wobble back to DaveLand