Zapped! (1982)
This past weekend, I was fortunate enough to stumble upon the cinematic jewel known simply as Zapped!. Zapped is a film from 1982 made with the same principles as Porky's: Lets find a way to mish-mash as many boobs as possible into a film without a plot. And let me tell you, it is a beautiful thing. The only other movie I've seen that is such an effective amalgam of titties and nonsense is Showgirls. And thats something to be proud of.
Zapped! is the story of Barney Springboro (played eloquently by Scott Baio), a high school nerd for the ages who in the begginning of the film is working on experiments that consist of getting mice drunk and having them scuba-dive. In addition to being at the forefront of Rodent Underwater Expedition Science (R.U.E.S.), Barney is also growing a plethora of pot in his high school's lab. This idea most likely came from Barney's right hand man with the plan, Payton Nichols, played by Scott Baio's eternal partner in crime, Willie Aames. Scott and Willie most famously were buddies on the TV show "Charles In Charge". Scott Baio also played Chachi on "Happy Days" and on the ill-fated "Joanie Loves Chachi", a "Happy Days" spinoff that proved no Fonz is no dice. But I prefer to remember Scott from his legendary performance as Pete Biaco, Uncle Jesse's old motorcycle buddy from the quintessential "Full House" episode, "Dr. Dare Rides Again".
So anyway, Barney manages to get the powers of telekinesis through a lab mishap involving Jack Daniels, Weed (or "Hooch" as Payton lovingly calls it), and other chemicals. Barney awakens to find out that he can move stuff with his mind, and throughout the whole film all he moves are baseballs, a mattress, and of course, women's clothing. He especially prefers to remove this girl's clothing...
Known simply as Jane, this girl reminds me of a poor man's Heather Locklear, but some Uber-Nerd thought highly enough of her to make this collage. However I probably shouldn't talk, I did make this collage and even more disheartingly, my Terry Tate Collage took even longer. Sigh.
So back to the plot. Barney could have done so much more with his powers, but the love interest, Bernadette, held him back. The classic thing about Bernadette's character is that she feeds the ongoing stigma that all teenage girls look better with their hair down and glasses off, which is only revealed at the end of the movie.
A lot of hilarious stuff happens after he gets his powers, but I won't spoil it. We'll just fast-forward to prom, which is an obvious "Carrie" spoof. Instead of having blood gush from his head and fire spit from doorways, Barney disrobes everyone in the gymnasium, throwing your peripheral vision into a frenzy. There are boobs everywhere, and no plot anywhere. So Barney and Bernadette make out, everyone runs around naked trying to find their clothes, and Payton classically exits while chasing some ass. Bravo.
As I hinted to earlier, Barney plays on his high school baseball team, The Ralph Waldo Emerson Penguins. He also seems to have a special bond with his coach, and we know he is his coach because he wears a hat that says "Coach". Coach is played by the master-of-his-craft Scatman Crothers. Now for the scene set-up...As mentioned earlier, Barney and Payton are growing some righteous Hooch in the lab, but it is discovered by a teacher and thrown into THE SCHOOL INCINERATOR! Coach sees that the door is open to the Boiler Room so he goes in and opens the incinerator, receiving a cloud of delicious doobage. The audience is then treated to a glimpse inside Scatman Crothers mind, as he begins to hallucinate. He imagines he is riding bikes through a meadow with Albert Einstein, having the time of his life. But then...HIS WIFE APPEARS IN A HORSE DRAWN CHARIOT! An epic chase scene follows where Albert and Scatman try to outrun her, but she has a trick up her sleeve, A SALAMI LAUNCHER! The Coach's wife begins to fire salami at Coach like rockets, and he awakens in fear, ending a movie scene that is up there with the greats. "Saving Private Ryan's" D-Day, "The Graduate" finale, "A Few Good Men's" finale, and "Zapped!'s" Einstein Scatman Salami Chase. Kudos to the legends of film.
Scott Baio, come home.