She looks at me with those eyes that say what she has said already, that she doesn't care about my past, that she will forgive me anything, no matter what I've done. And I smile at her in return…and treat her like how I suppose I'd treat a beloved sister, no matter how I really feel. I know those smiles, the formal way I treat her, hurts her feelings, that she doesn't want there to be such a wall between us, doesn't want me to hide my feelings away, and it makes my heart ache to see her hurt, but I can't stop, can't let the wall down. How can I, when I still remember all too well what happened the last time I let a woman inside those walls? How can I let what happened to Tomoe happen to Kaoru? I-I care for her, but…how can I let myself? How can I let myself put her in danger?
She doesn't care about the danger, I know that. I let myself steal a look at her retreating back as she goes to find Yahiko, ready to take her frustration with me out on him, and I smile to myself. She is so spirited, so brave. Does she really know what she asks for when she asks me to stay? How much does she really know about the things I've done?
I tear my gaze away and kneel to continue the washing. I don't want her to know, or to understand, I tell myself. The things I've done are too dark, too bloody, and she is so innocent. I will not be responsible for contaminating that innocence, that purity, with the darkness of my own tainted soul. I will not! She deserves better, I know that. I can never atone for my sins. I do not deserve a woman such as Kamiya Kaoru.
And yet-and yet I need her near me. I sigh as I reach for some of the clothing I haven't washed yet. I am lost and alone, empty inside, when she is not with me. I discovered that when I left to fight Shishio in Kyoto. I would do anything for her. There is something about her that makes me feel whole again when I am with her, makes me feel as if I really am the innocent rurouni she has come to know, as if I really can put my past behind me. Maybe I can…? I lift my head to look longingly after her.
No. I turn back to the laundry. I may seem innocent, but I am not; I know better than anyone else how true that is. Kaoru's innocence is real. She cannot imagine the terrible things that I have done. She deserves better, better than a scarred rurouni with a killer's past.
A killer's past…the laundry drifts out of my hands, forgotten, as I recall the scent of white plum blossoms and the dark-haired woman that scent belonged to as clearly as if it were yesterday. Tomoe…I wonder what you would think if you saw me now? Would you be happy for me, for the peace I've found here, the family I've found at the Kamiya Dojo? When I was with you I never imagined my future like this. I don't know if I even expected to survive the Bakamatsu back then. Would you be happy? I wonder….
My hand steals up to cover the scar on my cheek. It is still so clear; ten long years and it hasn't faded hardly at all since the day she cut it there. Just as my memory of her hasn't dimmed, not a bit since I saw her last. I can still smell her perfume, still hear her voice, see her face. That day left scars on my heart, too. Someday I know my outward scars will fade, but I don't know if those ever will. Maybe not. Maybe I will carry that pain for the rest of my life. But Kaoru makes it hurt less. She can make me look ahead to the future instead of back at the past.
Come on, Himura, who are you kidding? She deserves better than…than this unworthy one. Far better.
I turn back to the laundry, and sigh.

by Sakura