Author: Diagonalist
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: SS/HP
Warnings: child abuse, depression, suicidal tendancies
Summary: Devoid of the will to live, Harry decides that it is simply time to end it all. Too bad for him that one of his professors had to come and screw it up.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. I am simply borrowing them; therefore, do not sue me.
Prologue : What Constitutes Happiness
Severus Snape arrived in the great hall in a foul temper. What made it worse was that he knew that this state of mind was one he (and everyone else) now considered normal, and that there was no prospect of his mood improving in the near future.
A whole day of teaching annoying, squabbling, ignorant children with no desire to learn and no appreciation whatsoever of the subject of Potions had led to the headache now firmly lodged within his skull.
The staff members seated to either side of him made no attempt at conversation with him, certain of being rebuffed then torn into by his biting wit. He sat in self imposed silence, and wallowed in self pity, mocking himself for it simultaneously. Though perhaps the zone of quiet surrounding him was better than the inane babble or spreading of gossip which seemed to be the only things that the other Professors would talk about. No chance of finding intelligent conversation here with Trelawney on one side and the latest ineffectual Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor on the other.
The noise of children squalling as they waited for their food penetrated his head forcefully, interrupting his musings. As he looked down upon them he amused himself by superimposing a mental image of a nest of chicks, beaks gaping as they cheeped for their mother to feed them in shrill voices. Which led to an image of Dumbledore regurgitating food for them. He'd get it all over his beard. Inwardly Severus chuckled, though his face remained outwardly impassive, with perhaps a faint sneer of disgust.
And they thought he had no sense of humour. Certainly they wouldn't appreciate it, though perhaps Albus would. Sharing a sense of humour with him was a frightening thought, perhaps that why he kept it well hidden.
Finally the headmaster began calling the school to order. In his own special way of course. Diplomatically. Severus wondered why he couldn't have told the lot of them to just shut up. Of course, that's probably why all of the students liked Dumbledore but feared their Potion's Master.
Though Snape did not usually pay any attention to the announcements, the first one today caught his ear. He listened with a malign sense of glee as he heard that Neville was being transferred to another school which they believed was more suited to him. The Gryffindor table was composed entirely of sad and grim faces, with his acute hearing he even picked up a few rumours that it was his treatment of the boy that caused him to leave.
Snape's headache disappeared. He felt a sudden urge to grin maliciously, but suppressed it out of consideration for everyone else in the hall, they might die of shock from realising that the greasy old potion's master could stretch his mouth into a smile. Though Severus wasn't entirely sure whether that wasn't an inducement to do so. He decided to save Pomfrey from an influx of heart attack cases, and mused on the many benefits that the absence of the boy otherwise known as the Walking Disaster Area would bring. Less melted cauldrons. Less craters in the floor. Less stained robes. Less people in the hospital wing. Also less talks from the headmaster on patience and the best way to handle his own students.
Snape had been tuning out Dumbledore's droning for some time, but since the headmaster had been talking for much longer than normal, started paying attention. Having missing the majority of the speech, he was therefore very surprised to hear that the topic of it was the closing of the school for the holidays! He immediately suspected that it was a plot, that everyone else knew and they were trying to provoke a surprised reaction from him. He ensured his face remained unreadable, just in case there had been a conspiracy of that kind, although as logic reared its head it did seem unlikely and he knew that it was just paranoia. Being paranoid had kept him alive.
He desperately needed to talk to Albus about this. Concerned over whether the school would be closed just to the students or to all the staff as well, he stared down at the table, strands of his long hair falling to cover his face. The idea of all the students leaving was highly agreeable to him. Severus thrived in the quiet. But the other possibility was one which inspired dread in his heart. Surely the headmaster would not even consider throwing him out. For where would he go? The only reason Severus had agreed to stay on as a teacher after Voldemort uncovered his treachery was that it was the only safe place for him, he could not leave Hogwarts without putting his life in danger.
So he stayed here, surrounded by people who know nothing but the facade he wore, and hated him for it, and he simmered in the bitterness that was knowing that the only thing that had made his life worthwhile, that perhaps in the final tally would have redeemed him, his spying, was now a duty he could no longer perform. He was useless, and hated it.
****************
A few moments after Dumbledore had risen from the head table and was making his way out of the hall, Snape stood and exited through a side door. Making his way round to the main passageway, he heard Dumbledore's voice and someone else's ahead and, his Slytherin instincts kicking in, stealthily moved as near as he could without alerting them to his presence. He crouched behind a statue of a famous one legged wizard and slowed his breathing, focusing entirely on the sounds coming from just around the corner.
"My dear boy, there is really nothing that I can do. The school must be closed for the re-application of the wards. It would be inconvenient for the Aurors to have to deal with students whilst working," said Dumbledore, sounding as though he had already repeated this several times.
"Couldn't you make an exception, just for me? One student would not bother them too much, and I promise to stay out of the way. Please Professor."
Potter's voice, Snape was certain. The bane of his existence. Wanting another exception to the rules 'just for him.' Clenching his left hand into a fist Severus thought bitterly on how the spoiled little swine got everything he ever wanted, Dumbledore always bending over backwards to cater to the boy and get him out of trouble. No one had ever done that for Severus, he had to sort out his problems on his own, he hadn't had the charmed life that the Golden Boy did.
"Why do you want to stay so much anyway, Harry? I should have thought that making mischief would be easier away from your Professors." Dumbledore said apparently seriously.
Snape could just tell he was smiling. And that his eyes were twinkling.
"Yes, I mean no, I mean........." Harry stuttered. "I just wanted to study professor. I fell behind a lot last year with the Tournament, and I'm having some difficulty this year as I haven't fully caught up. So I thought if I had access to the library......" Potter's voice trailed off.
Snape thought that the idea of Potter actually studying was enough to made him faint.
"Be that as it may, while the wards are weakened Hogwarts will not be as safe for you as it normally is, Harry." Dumbledore explained with infinite patience.
Severus felt a smirk spreading over his face at the idea that the precious boy who lived was being denied something.
"Well then Professor, do you think that I could....."
There was a desperation present in Potter's tone which Snape found interesting.
"Harry, I'm sorry, but you will not be safe anywhere else, even at the Weasleys! Your relatives house is powerfully protected to safeguard you against Voldemort," interrupted Dumbledore, adding "Also, I think that the Weasley family has not been together for Christmas for many years now, and it might be nice for Ron to have time alone with them without being overshadowed by you. Hmmm?"
Snape was astonished at what came next. Silence, from Potter! The boy was probably gaping open mouthed at being spoken to in such a way. It was a great improvement over his insolence, he was just as bad as his father, and milked his fame for everything he could get.
Then softly, timidly "I never thought of that," Harry sounded so bewildered that Snape almost felt for him.
But then the cynical little voice inside his head told him that Potter would never think about anyone other than himself, he wouldn't notice if his best friend lost a leg, let alone worry about damaging his feelings. Typical
"Run along now Harry," said the headmaster in a much kinder tone "Everything will turn out all right. You will see Ron as soon as you come back after the holidays, and you can keep in touch by owl till then."
How nice, Severus thought, they can be little penpals, exhausting their owls by making them fly back and forth at all hours carrying their nonsensical words and whims. Can't see why Potter should care so much about losing contact for a few weeks, he can hardly get away from the redhead the rest of the time.
Harry walked right past the entrance to the corridor where Snape was standing, looking utterly dejected, his shoulders slumped and his head lowered in defeat. Just before he passed out of Snape's field of view however, he straightened himself out and continued walking with a definitively cheerful air about him.
Snape came to the realisation that the little brat was faking it all along and must have been looking downhearted only to make Dumbledore feel guilty. How typical of the boy. How......Slytherin. Angry at himself for paying a backhanded compliment to Potter, Snape strode out after the headmaster.
"Severus," he was greeted politely. Did nothing surprise the old man. Snape had a feeling that the headmaster had known that he was standing there all along.
"Would you like to come up to my office?" Dumbledore escorted him in that direction without waiting for an answer, earning an amused snort from the Potion's Master.
"Marshmallows."
Severus rolled his eyes at the password. He wondered if the man had a list of muggle sweets and when he reached the end of it started repeating them.
*****************
"Have a seat, would you like a lemon drop?" questioned Albus, his eyes still twinkling.
Severus tried an icy glare, when this appeared to have no effect, which did not surprise him, he politely deferred.
"Now Severus, I know what it is you wish to speak with me about." said Dumbledore before Snape had a chance to start.
Severus merely sighed and nodded, surrendering to the inevitable fact that Albus always ended up being in charge of the conversation.
"All of the other Professors are leaving the school for the holidays, most are going to stay with relatives, and a few abroad. However, provisions have been made for you to stay here. You'll undoubtedly spend most of your time in your dungeons anyway, when they do the wards down there you might have to assist them." Dumbledore popped a sweet into his mouth and leaned back contentedly.
Relief poured though Severus as he realised that he wasn't going to be forced to leave, though he had never imagined he would be so glad to stay in his prison. Albus must have been making him nervous with the unexpected news for his own sadistic amusement.
"Are you staying here, Albus?" Snape asked, relaxed again and disposed to be civil.
"Yes, I shall always stay here at Hogwarts, besides, they could not do the warding without me"
Snape left the smiling Dumbledore to his sweets.
It had not, overall, been a bad day for Severus, Neville thrown out, no children over the holidays, and Potter disappointed and ignored. He was almost happy.
****************
There was only one more potions lesson with the Gryffindor fifth years in it before the holidays, and Snape prepared himself mentally before it started. Something akin to a warrior's battle cry ran through his head.
They poured in, Potter at the back of the horde, looking as though he had run the entire length of the castle to get there. The Professor wondered if he could take points for the boy being out of breath. His appearance was dishevelled as always, his messy black hair falling forward into his eyes. He sat down haphazardly and scattered his things across the desk in an attempt to find what he was looking for.
Snape started the lesson. "Today you will be doing the practical described on page sixty four of your texts, which you should all have read in detail. Though I doubt any of you have the mental capacity to make or understand this complex potion, it has a wide variety of important applications. Which I expect an essay on due in the first lesson after the holidays."
A moment to savour the anticipation of the looks on their faces, then "Six feet long, precisely." The expressions of all the students in the class were priceless, though of course Hermione's frown was due to recalling everything she had ever learned and planning the essay accordingly.
Snape watched Potter keenly throughout the lesson looking for any mistakes or foolishness. He was taken aback by the boy's methodical and careful approach to the potion, the look of intense concentration on his face was not one which the Professor recalled seeing there often. Maybe the boy was serious about improving his studies, he mused.
Harry was very quiet and Severus grew suspicious. Stopping beside him to check his potion, Snape was astonished, the boy had almost finished and had done it right. Miss Know It All must have told him what to do. He pulled some ground salamander scales from his pocket as Harry turned to his partner, Ron, and cast them into the cauldron, that would stink up the whole room, he could take dozens of points.
His spiteful thoughts were interrupted as Harry turned around and saw the vile orange colour his mixture was turning. Instead of panicking as Snape had hoped he would, Harry grabbed a test tube of snapdragon pollen and stirred some in, turning the potion back to its proper deep purple colour.
Snape scowled "Ten points from Gryffindor for adding ingredients not on the list, and another ten for cheating Potter." He moved on then paused and added as an afterthought "Five points from Granger for helping him." Another pause then "Five points from Weasley for not helping him." He sat back in his chair looking smug while Harry glared daggers at him with emerald green eyes.
Idly musing on how Potter had known to add that ingredient to neutralise the reaction, Snape made it through the rest of the lesson without maiming any of the students. He felt that Dumbledore would have been proud
****************
When he was sure the last student was gone from the school for the holidays, Severus fetched himself a glass of wine, toasted his empty rooms, and curled up with a book in front of his fireplace.
TBC
