Author: Diagonalist
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: SS/HP
Warnings: child abuse, depression, suicidal tendancies
Summary: Devoid of the will to live, Harry decides that it is simply time to end it all. Too bad for him that one of his professors had to come and screw it up.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. I am simply borrowing them; therefore, do not sue me.
Chapter 30: What Constitutes Happiness now
Severus awoke. He had trained himself over many years to do so instantly. However today that practice appeared to have abandoned him, and he lay in a warm contented doze for several minutes.
It must have been because it was the weekend.
He only eventually consented to movement as there was a heavy weight atop him that was rapidly becoming very uncomfortable. He had no feeling remaining in his left arm.
When he opened his eyes and saw a head full of messy black hair was laying on his chest, gently rising and falling with his own breathing, he smiled.
Much as he wished he could lay there forever, and he had a feeling Harry would prefer him to still be there when he finally roused, he had to take care of a few things first. Very carefully he levered Harry off him and settled the boy onto the bed. He did not stir. He covered Harry with a blanket, as the boy had merely been lying on top of the sheets before. Then he got out of bed and padded silently round to the other side of it.
The knife lay on the floor. He would not leave it there, for Harry to see when he got up. He knew that Harry would only fall deeper into depression if reminded in such a way of what had happened. He took the blade out into the living room and disposed of it. He washed himself and brushed his teeth.
Then he went back into his bedroom and cautiously inserted himself back under the covers without disturbing Harry. The boy unconsciously shifted closer to the new source of warmth, curling up against Severus, who smiled again at this trusting gesture.
Harry did trust him above all others then. He was willing to wager that no one else would have been able to reach the boy after his panic attack yesterday. And that Harry would not have gone to anyone else to stop himself from cutting.
The fact that Harry had managed to stop himself from self harm was great progress. The boy had finally accepted that he didn't need to do so and could live without it. It had been hard for him, Severus could tell, but now that he had done so hopefully he would be able to stop himself in the future as well.
A hand bunched into a fist against his chest. He looked down to find that Harry's face was screwed up in distress. Severus shook the boy lightly and called his name, hoping to release him from the dreams that plagued him. Harry opened his eyes with a shocked gasp and buried his face in Sev's shoulder.
"Sorry." he mumbled.
"Shhh." When the slight trembling of the boy's frame had ceased, Severus drew back to give him some space.
When he got up, Harry's robes were creased from being slept on. He looked quite wild. Severus told him so. Harry looked sheepish. Then stuck out his tongue.
They ate breakfast. Severus made such a point of not watching Harry eat that he practically glared a hole into his own breakfast. His little voice told him so, and laughed at him, though praising him also. When he finally did look up, he found that he had not been the only one avoiding the other. Harry's eyes were averted downwards, though in his case it was more likely to be due to shame.
"Harry, what happened last night wasn't your fault. You couldn't have done anything differently when they captured you. Panicking was a natural response after what you've been through." Harry's head lifted slightly, but the boy still wouldn't meet his eyes. "You were very brave to come to me last night instead of trying to hide. You took responsibility." Still no response. "Harry, I'm telling you that none of it was your fault. Do you believe me?"
Startled emerald green eyes flashed up, locked onto his. The boy thought for a minute, taking his time to weigh what had happened and how he felt. If he had immediately agreed then Severus would have suspected something.
"Yes."
Good. Severus felt another smile slip onto his face in relief. that was how many times in under an hour. It felt strange to smile so much. Did this mean that he was happy?
"I thought we'd work on the dreamless sleep potion today then. I've been planning some modifications, and I think we're ready to try it."
Harry looked hopeful. Damn that boy and his looks, if this didn't work now Severus knew that he would feel even more guilty.
"So if you'd go and start preparing things, I left my notes in the lab. I just have to talk to Albus first."
Harry's expression grew ecstatic at being allowed to read Sev's notes. Dimmed slightly at the reference to the headmaster with the knowledge of what it would concern. Then brightened again. Apparently potions were more important than the evil Slytherins who had hurt him. Which was good.
***************
When he was sure that the boy had gone next door he contacted Albus.
"Ah, Severus, I was wondering when you would find the time to speak to me." There was a gentle rebuke in there, Severus ignored it. Harry had been more important. "How is Harry?"
"He's better now. I got him to calm down and he went to sleep." He didn't see fit to tell Albus about what Harry had almost done. The headmaster didn't need to know. And he got a feeling that Harry wouldn't have wanted him to let him know. Some things were private. "I think I'll keep him here for the weekend though, in case he wants to talk."
The headmaster nodded his approval. "Yes, that might be best." A deep breath on his part then anxiously, "Do you think he's getting better?"
How is better defined? But if he had anything to say about it.... "Yes, I think that he's getting better. Yesterdays incident was mainly because he is claustrophobic and they hit his head. But he'll be fine."
Albus looked relieved. It annoyed Severus that the man didn't bother probing further, but then he probably trusted Severus. A foolish thing to do, since he was hiding things from him. The old fool trusted too easily. Not like Harry. Harry's trust had to be earned the hard way, and so Severus would try never to betray it.
"Have you found the culprits yet?"
The twinkle returned full force. "Why yes. A number of Slytherins were found in mysterious comas today, with bite marks on their arms."
"I wonder how that could have happened." said Severus innocently.
"Draco has identified them, and as soon as we can make them wake up, for Poppy says that the toxin in their blood stream is not one that she can reverse, they will be punished." The headmasters eyes turned cold. "Severely punished. I thought that you might want to take them for detention personally. For a very long time."
"I would be honoured. I'm sure I could help them see the error of their ways."
"Good. Let me know when you 'find' a way to wake them. Goodbye."
Severus chuckled softly and went to find Harry.
****************
Making the potion was hard work. The first few attempts exploded due to volatile combinations. Harry's seeker reflexes really did serve him well in the lab. Yes, Severus would definitely encourage the boy to keep up with the sport.
Sometime during the fifth attempt, which was shifting between bizarre shades of purple, a hissing noise was heard from the floor.
Harry stooped down and scooped up his snake. Severus smiled to see him so content. More smiling, said his inner voice, let's think about this, no smiling, add boy, lots of smiling. It told him that Harry was making him happy. He told it he was simply in a good mood as he was working on a potion. It said if that was what he needed to believe, then it would leave him to his delusions.
The two others in the room were having their own conversation. A kind of hissing which was not the result of steaming potions filled the air. Severus noted that it actually helped him concentrate.
"She says not to add the green stuff."
He looked up, surprised. "What?"
"Sylrissin said that we shouldn't add the green stuff." The little snake continued her commentary from around Harry's neck. "I think she might have meant the mirkweed. All of the potions that have gone wrong so far have had that in them, haven't they?"
Severus scowled. Taking advice from a snake. His inner voice said that it might be better than taking advice from imaginary voices in his head.
He didn't add the mirkweed.
The potion didn't explode. Of course, it could have been due to other factors, but.... There was something about that snake.
"Any other sage advice?"
Harry grinned. "No, that was it. She says we can muddle through the rest on our own, she just didn't want me to lose my head because then she wouldn't have anywhere to sit. I think she'll warn us if something is about to explode."
"How did she know anyway?" he grumbled to himself.
Which just made Harry grin even harder.
They finally came up with a prototype. It had not exploded, turned strange colours, or given off a disgusting smell, so Severus was fairly sure that it would work. It certainly wasn't poisonous. Harry's pet would have warned them surely. Harry could try it tonight. At least Severus would be present to monitor the effects himself.
Once it was bottled and labelled, Severus brought up the next subject with Harry.
"The headmaster was telling me that all of your attackers are down in the infirmary. Apparently your snake decided to get some revenge of her own. We'd better go down there and deal with them."
Harry seemed hesitant, but followed without complaint, Sylrissin keeping up a steady stream of words which seemed to encourage the boy.
****************
Severus watched Harry as he stared down at the boys lying in the hospital beds. They looked pathetic and defenceless. Sev wondered if that made it better or worse for Harry.
"What happens now?"
"Maybe you should ask her that."
The boy talked with his snake. Severus watched his lips as the strange syllables flowed from them. He tried to make out what was being said, from the tone if nothing else, but had no success. It was so alien. Finally Harry turned to him.
"She wants to know what is to be done to them. She won't let them go to hurt me again."
"Don't worry, they will be....deterred from attempting future attacks. I'm seeing to it myself."
"Can I watch?" said Harry eagerly.
"We'll see. I think you might be busy. Sleeping for example."
Harry pouted for a moment before working out that Severus was indicating the Slytherins would be staying up all night. He translated to Sylrissin. Severus presumed that she was considering the proposition when there was no hissing for a time. Then Harry placed her on the first bed. Severus called Pomfrey.
The snake bit all of the boys. Not gently either, they all came round yelping in pain.
Snape yelled at them. Extensively. With anger. And sarcasm. The tough and proud Slytherins were quaking by the end. Snape hadn't lost his touch. They were dismissed, with instructions to go to see the headmaster. Albus would undoubtedly make them feel even worse. Though no worse than they deserved.
****************
Back in his quarters, Harry was acting slightly subdued. Severus wasn't sure if was from facing his tormentors, or from how they had been dealt with.
He ordered cookies. That got a smile.
"I thought since we finally succeeded in making a potion which didn't resulting in loss of limbs and blackened faces, we should celebrate."
Those green eyes thanked him for not making this about the Slytherins.
They sat on the couch. It was all good.
"Now of course, the question is whether or not you are brave enough to try it." he said seriously.
Harry only lasted a few seconds before he cracked and burst into laughter. It never failed to lighten Sev's heart when he saw the boy doing so.
After dinner Harry decided to leave and find Draco, to talk to the boy about the previous day, and to theoretically study. Somehow, Severus couldn't picture the latter happening. But it would be good for Harry to talk to someone else. He did not think that Harry would tell the Granger girl about this.
TBC
