This isn't my rant, it's my friend's rant, but I posted it on anyway.
The Ohtori Akio Torture Schedule
No explanation is needed of why this man should die a slow, painful death, so let's get right to the good part ^_^
First off, the Teapot Torture. Akio will get up on a table and sing "I'm a Little Teapot." Of course, we know he is going to try to ruin it by singing and dancing in a sexual way. That is why he has to do it over until he looks and sounds CUTE. What, you say? It will take forever? Our point EXACTLY.
As punishment for not doing the first part right, we will then proceed to cut off his arms. Not his legs, mind you, he's going to need those later on so we can rip all his toenails off and have something to hang him by once his scalp goes numb. Keep in mind we will use a VERY DULL KNIFE for this part.
By the way, we made a recording of Akio screaming like a little girl during the last part. This will be played nonstop during the rest of the torture, as well as a while afterwards for our puerile enjoyment. By the way, we may as well castrate him right now; since there's already nothing he won't sleep with anyway, it's not like we could torture him in that manner.
Next up, it's Image Torture and Lecture Time combo. Since Akio would probably enjoy being dressed up like a girl, we will instead find the tackiest, most unfashionable, and least flattering outfit we can and force him to wear it for the remainder of his pathetic life. We will also photograph him in his new garb and completely COVER the torture chamber with horrible reprints. We will also use laser surgery to engrave the photo, in full vibrant color, onto the insides of his eyelids. Afterwards, we will force him to listen to his father lecture him on why everything he has ever done was WRONG, until he understands why. Naturally this will take quite some time, during which he will not be allowed to sit down.
Please note also that for the rest of his pathetic life, Akio will only eat live rats and will only drink his own bodily fluids. He will bathe (still wearing his special outfit, of course) in a tub full of exactly one species of spider in existence, mixed with approximately 50 gallons of my sister's perfume. (For those of you who have never smelled my sister's perfume, trust me, this is the worst thing we've done to Akio yet.)
After that, we will force Akio to go through middle school, high school, and college all over again. Of course we will force him to try his hardest, and of course he will get all F's anyway.
Next we will use sandpaper to rub off all his skin. This will be necessary to keep him awake while we read the entire Bible to him in one sitting. Twice. Each time we come to a part that says that everything Akio has done is abhorrent and he will burn in hell for it, we will re-read that part with special emphasis. This is, in effect, like reading it four times.
Akio will then paint the Taj Mahal, inside and out, an extremely tacky shade of orange. Since he no longer has any arms, he will hold the paintbrush--one of those little brushes you get in a watercolor kit--between his teeth. While we're at it, let's stick thorns into his muscles (keep in mind he no longer has any skin) and make him do it during the rainy season.
We will then feed him rat-flavored donuts until he is obese, and replace all the pictures with new ones. This also happens to be the part where we hang him by his hair until he can't feel it anymore or it all rips out, whichever comes last. (How, might you ask, could the former come after the latter? Easy. We apply a generous helping of Rogaine and start over.) After that, as promised, we will rip off his toenails and hang him by his feet.
Akio will next watch Pokemon and Digimon in their entireties. Commercials included. He will also be infected with every disease known to man, and genetically altered to be more like the monster he is. Or, was. Presently he's an armless, skinless, toenail-less little bastard covered in orange paint and spiders.
He will, of course, have to babysit many small children and play My Little Ponies as many times as they want. Yes, it is possible to comb a pony's hair by holding the brush between your nail-less toes. It just makes you look like a dork. He will also have plastic surgery so his face looks just like Kanae-san's. Update those photos please!
