It's the biggest word out there. The kind of word you have to be careful about using. It can change your whole life, and the way I see it, never for the better.

So I didn't say it. I started a few times, but I always gave up too soon. "B, um, y'know--"

She'd look at me, confused, and I'd mumble, "Nothin'."

Once, I remember, I said, "Buffy, I--"

That was the closest I ever came.

In prison, it's the only word I've got that reminds me of the outside.

I wouldn't be here, if only she'd said it first.

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November 27, 2004