Why do people say "life is short"? Life is the longest fucking thing you'll ever do! Its cause they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything

interesting: congeners are the toxins produced by your liver metabolizing acohol. having them in your blood is what causes hangovers... Watch your toxins! Some good points: *Vodka has less congeners than gin. *Most scotch whiskey has about four times more congeners than does gin. *Brandy, rum and single-malt scotch have about six times as many congeners as gin. *Bourbon drinkers ingest eight times the amount of congeners as do gin drinkers (whew!) note to self: drink more vodka ;)

What came first: The chicken or the egg?
The correct answer is that the egg came first.
The better answer is that the chicken came first.
Why? Well, because the chicken had to get laid before the egg could.

A chicken and an egg are laying down in bed.
The egg is angrily muttering to itself,
while the chicken is contentedly smoking a cigarette.
The chicken leans over and says to the egg,
"Well, I guess that answers THAT question..."

"this gravey tastes better than god's sweat"

Firing ganster style: Part of being 'cool' is looking like you can do things easily which are generally considered difficult. If you are firing a gun, and you take the time to hold it properly and aim carefully, it shows that you have to really try to hit someone. However, if you can just point your nine offhand at some wack-ass punk even while holding it sideways (and perhaps simultaneously taking a swig from your 40oz.) and still take the bitch out, you must be some kind of badass. So, in that context, it kind of makes sense that it looks cool.

Movie Review: american pie "Guys, if you got a girl, take her to this movie because you're sure to get some poon-tang afterward. It's not the typical date movie where the girl will bawl her fucking eyes out because Mel Gibson or Brad Pitt dies, and then you comfort her and she lets you stick it in. Hell, those movies aren't so hot anyway because the girls want you to be romantic later and that can be a royal pain in the ass. Instead, this movie makes teenaged boys look like a dorks and your girl will either give you a sympathy fuck, or she'll think that you're a sweet dorky guy and she'll ride you into the sunset."

You could lose your job,
have your wife walk out on you,
watch your house burn down,
and then be stabbed 13 times by a homeless man who's screaming at a stopsign,
but as you lay bleeding in a corner of a filthy abandoned alleyway,
you can safely say,
"at least I'm not a Goth Poet."

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

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