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Free Movies on TCI Cable Pay-Per-View in 1996!! I think it was 1996 anyway... my dad had just gotten a Jerold Converter box for ordering pay-per-view movies on your living room TV. With the box came a coupon book from TCI Cable for 4 FREE MOVIE BUYS!!! I was so excited I just couldn't wait to order some movies and watch them for FREE! Thinking back on what I ordered makes for a sad storie when I think about it. I started to write this story about just one of the movies until I realized that they all were crap and all needed time to shine in a Storie in the Website Funnhouse. Not to say I hated any of them because if that were true I wouldn't remember what they were to this day and I wouldn't be trying to find one of them on DVD, if it even exists on DVD that is... Back in the bays before digital cable and all that other crap all you had to do to order PPV was get a special cable box and you could order from 5 different channels of PPV movies and events! I really wanted to use the 4 free for Wrestling shows but I didn't want to have to wait for one and honestly I don't think I could have waited that long if I wanted to, Plus I was scared the freebies didn't work for Wrestling and my dad would have been pretty pissed if he had to pay $30 so I could watch Mankind and The Executioner beat up on The Undertaker and see the Godwinns dump a bucket of pig slop on Sunny's head... But back to the topic at hand, All the shitty yet fantastic movies I ordered for free from TCI pay-per-view! I don't remeber what order I oredered them in except for the first one so let's start there! But before I start let me tell you about the great PPV channels we had back then. First you had 2 regular movie channels, then you had a sports channel and the Porno channel. But the best of all was the last PPV channel, it was called "Action Pay-Per-View!!" it was the channel that played nothing but strait to video movies and soft-core action porn! It was the only channel I ever ordered movies off of. I could go to Blockbuster or 88 video for regular movies but where else am I gonna be able to watch Santa with muscles and not have to feel stupid in a video store first? But before you start to wonder I didn't order that movie It was just an example... well I didn't get it as one of my Free movies anyway. But I did order "Phat Beach" as my first free movie! I assumed that by the preview there would be ALOT of naked hot african american women... so how could I not pass it up?? Plus Coolio is in it and a funny fat black guy who looked like one of "The Fat Boys" and the movie The Fat Boys were in was awsome so how could I go wrong? First off there was NOT ONE naked woman in this movie! Plus Coolio is only in it for like 5 or 6 minutes if that and that fat dude wasn't one the the legendary rappers/movie stars known as "The Fat Boys" It was about two guys that work at a fast food joint and go to spring break... not even an original plot. But it had it's moments and it was free, so it's all good. The next movie may or may not have been my 2nd free movie... besides "Phat Beach" I just can't remeber the order but oh well. Either way it was "Leprechaun 4: In Space" It had everything you need in a crappy straight to video sequal to a horror movie that now takes place in space! Aliens, space marines, a hot princess, killings, a Leprechaun, and even Heidi from Home Improvement!! Heidi didn't get naked but the Hot princess chick did and that was pretty cool. Also the Lep got shot with a groth ray and tried to step on everyone before being shot into space and impoloding only to have his left hand float by a window and flip everyone off as the movie ended!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Just look at the space marine... he has half a tin foil head! BWAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! How can you not love a movie like that? The next movie "Action PPV" brought into my home was another movie I own on DVD along with Lep in Space... "Jack Frost"! And not the crappy one with Michael Keaton, I'm talking about the one about the Killer Snowman! Cool... Fuckin Crap!! It was the Story of a Mutant Killer Snowman! Jack Frost was a Serial Killer on his way to deat row then his Transpotation truck hits a toxic wast truck and he mutates with the snow becoming what looked alot more like a giant pile of marshmellows with a puppeteer up his ass then a snowman but he did kill a girl by sexing her to death with his carrot nose so I can overlook the crappy look of Jack. Also the movie never takes itself serious at all and you gotta love a movie with blood and comedy! Plus Michael Keaton isn't in it so thats bonus points for ANY movie!! But enough about Jack it's on to the movie I want on DVD but have never seen!! In fact I have actually never seen it on VHS either... so I'm really looking for either PINOCCHIO'S REVENGE The Story of a little girl and her doll. Her Killer Pinoocchio doll! The story starts when an attorney lady brings home a doll as part of a murder trial she is working on. Her daughter finds the doll and falls in love with it. But soon after everyone who crosses the little girl ends up dead and all signs point to a crazy little girl who swears her doll is alive. Now I know you all think it sounds alot like "Child's Play" and in alot of ways it is but it takes a turn "Child's Play" never did... now I don't wanna ruin the ending for anyone so I won't say what happes but rent it and you'll agree that it was awsome!! And Pino is made of wood so if you think the movie is boring just chuckle to yourslef about how you can see his "wood". ;) So if anyine has seen "Pinoocchio's Revenge" on DVD or VHS let me know cuz I want it!! If only had taped it all those years ago... |
