Black Manta Review

At A Glance:Thousands of years ago in ancient Japan, there existed something so completely badass that no one could possibly ever overcome its awesomeness: samurai. Of course, that was before the ninja. Urchins of the night bent on killing the samurai. As every movie goer, game player, and human being knows, ninjas are a tour de kickass that make everything associated with them good. But just like Albert Einstein invented the speed of light when the speed of sound wasn’t good enough, some bastard at Taito games decided, “I can make ninjas lame!” Thus, flying in the grandeur of Ninja Gaiden mythology, Wrath of the Black Manta hits you hard and fast, like a heroin addict murdering a family for money, and leaves you wishing that ninjas had never been born.

Game Plot:

Children are vanishing from the streets of New York City. Some people think that the kids being kidnapped, but the police and FBIT have no leads. Parents are afraid to let their kids go outside. Will this case ever be solved?

Who could ever solve this riveting enigma? Surely none! None but the BLACK MANTA! And that’s exactly what his Master decides when he calls our hero on the phone. Not that I find the fact that a ninja uses a phone completely retarded, but you think they could use some ancient art of disappearing and then reappearing in Morse code or something to communicate.

Within minutes, the great Black Manta is off! It seems the evil “El Toro” is scrounging up children in order to brainwash them into becoming drug lords so they can control the world, since anybody who’s anybody uses drugs, and therefore control of the “drug” cartel would give you control of the world. Of course, this plan is taking on rapid success, seeing as the children couldn’t have been missing for more than a month, yet they now control most of the world. Great.

Weapons: Black Manta has an assortment of deadly ninja arts at his disposal, but seeing as they are all completely useless, you should just stick to throwing a starfish, which he is quite talented at.

Enemies:Aside from the bosses, the only enemies are Blue Man, Red Man, Red Ninja, Green Ninja, and Army Man. The useful enemy is the Red Man, who when captured will give you information. Its kind of funny when you think about it, though, since with the exception of one member at the end of the game, not a single member knows anything about the organization they work for. This is a typical conversation between the Manta and his victim:

Red Man: Alright, I’ll talk!

Black Manta: Tell me everything you know!

Red Man: I don’t know anything!

The children who you rescue from each level, however, seem to know EVERYTHING, including weak points of bosses, secret passages, and tips on how to use your skills, despite that they’re trapped inside an icy chamber of death in various tiny rooms. The children also don’t look human in the least, I’ve give you a picture with their names:

Number of Levels: Four and each jam packed with its very own child, boss, and Red Man. The levels are all pretty repetitive, but they have their moments. Like in the second level, where you take to the air to battle what appear to be evil flying crucified ninjas. And by “have their moments,” I mean that I just said the only redeemable quality of this game.

Number of Bosses: Four, like the levels! Each boss is fairly exciting: Tiny (who is large, since this game is brilliant in its application of rhetorical devices), The Ninja (who turn into a totem pole of death), The Voodoo Warrior (who actually wins a feature picture on the back of the box, "Battle the Voodoo Warrior!"), and the Robots (see “Evil Robot from Robocop). Let’s not forget the final showdown with "El Toro,” who is unkillable and if you touch him you die. This is a good idea for a game. This doesn't count for little boys apparently, as El Toro has one fused onto his pedophile wrath up until his demise.

Defining Moment: As if the game itself isn’t crappy enough, they tried to put every single thing possible in this game with the exception of a boat chase. And by everything, I mean that you participate in a first person shooter-esque situation at the end of the game. While that is universially stupid, the best part of the game had to be when Black Manta tells the villains what he thinks of them:

Scum! You guys don’t know what you’re messing with! Drugs kill! You think you’re cool, but you’re not! You’re just plain dumb!

If that isn’t Oscar-worthy, then the Oscars must have somehow actually become an award ceremony instead of a popularity contest when I wasn’t looking.