From Dave Barry in Cyberspace:

On Microsoft:

"To understand what I mean by 'versions', let's consider an analogy involving cars.  Suppose you've purchased a new car, and you notice that, although it does move, it goes very slowly, is extremely hard to steer, and makes a loud scraping sound.  You study this problem for a while, and you conclude that the most likely cause is that the car does not have any front wheels.  So you mention this to the salesperson, and he tells you that you have Version 1.0 of the car, but that Version 1.1 will be out shortly, and it will feature wheels in front as well as back.  So when Version 1.1 comes out, you 'upgrade', which means you pay money.  But you're happy, because now you have a car with a complete set of wheels, and you're totally satisfied with it from the moment that you pull out of the dealer's lot to the moment, about 90 seconds later, when you drive into a public fountain.  This is when you find out that brakes are not scheduled to appear until Version 1.3."

"I should point out that, while all this was going on, there was another kind of computer developing, in a parallel universe.  This was the Apple, and it operated on an entirely different concept, which was: A regular human could use it.  For many years, while we MS-DOS people were typing insanely obscure instructions like dir c:\abcproj\docs\lttrs\sales\apr\*.*... the Apple people were simply aiming their little mouse pointers at little pictures and going 'click'.  So the vast majority of us serious computer users rejected it.  We don't want some wussy 'user-friendly' computer:  We want a challenge.  We serious users pride ourselves on wrestling with openly hostile computers that are running an operating system from the proud, incomprehensible Microsoft tradition."

SOME USEFUL INTERNET ACRONYMS

<g> "Grin"
The "<g>" is widely used on the Internet to indicate that the writer meant the preceding statement to be humorous.  Interestingly, the preceding statement is almost never even remotely humorous.  Internet people apparently believe they can make their statements humorous by putting "<g>"s after them.
EXAMPLES OF TYPICAL USAGE
I live in Akron. <g>
The French poet Jean Baptiste Racine was born in 1639. <g>

LOL "Laughing Out Loud"
This indicates that the writer is laughing out loud.  It is generally used in response to a statement that has a "<g>" after it.
EXAMPLE
Person A: We had some rain today. <g>
Person B: LOL

ROTFL "Rolling On The Floor Laughing"
This is used in responses to a statement that is even funnier than one that is merely LOL.  There is just no end to the hilarity on the Internet.
EXAMPLE
Person A: We had some rain today, but it turned to sleet. <g>
Person B: ROTFL

From Dave Barry's Greatest Hits:

Dave gives an example of a condom commercial:
FIRST MAN:  What's the matter, Ted?
SECOND MAN:  I think I have a horrible sexually transmitted disease!
FIRST MAN:  Here.  Try some condoms.
SECOND MAN:  Thanks.
(The Next Day:)
FIRST MAN:  Feeling better, Ted?
SECOND MAN:  You bet!  Thanks to condoms!  And I got that big promotion!

On the various religions of the world:
"If you read about some religious sect in India that believes God wants people to drink their own urine, you don't say to yourself, "Isn't that amazing, the diversity of belief systems Man has developed in his never-ending quest to understand and cope with the intricate moral dilemmas posed by a complex and uncertain world?"  No, what you say to yourself is, "These people have the brains of trout."  Meanwhile, over in India, the sect members are getting a major chuckle over the fact that some American basketball players cross themselves before they take foul shots.  "As if God cares about foul shots," the sect members howl, tears streaming down their faces.  "Say, is this my urine or yours?"

From Dave Barry Does Japan:

"I never really did get accustomed to all the bowing.  It started when we arrived at our hotel in Tokyo.  As I was descending the steps of the airport bus, two uniformed bellmen came rushing up and bowed to me.  Trying to look casual but feeling like an idiot, I bowed back.  I probably did it wrong, because then they bowed back.  So I bowed back.  The three of us sort of bowed our way over to where the luggage was being unloaded, and I bowed to our suitcases, and the bellmen, bowing, picked them up and rushed into the hotel.  We followed them past a bowing doorman into the hotel, where we were gang-bowed by hotel employees."

"According to the newscaster, the Japanese eat 100,000 tons of eel per year.  To give you an idea of how much that is, if you were to place 100,000 tons of eels end to end, starting in San Francisco, your hands would be disgusting."

Dave pays a visit to a Japanese comedy club.  Sample joke:
"It has been very hot.  Two days ago I ate too much sushi."  Pause.  "Now I'm not feeling well."

"[Watching the cormorant fishing] made for a pleasant evening's diversion, a uniquely Japanese experience, and we were in a good mood as we headed back to our little Kyoto ryokan, with its peaceful babbling brook and its cheerfully chattering cicadas.  Someday I will go back and kill them with a flamethrower."