Title: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Church

Author: Thursday*~*September

Rating: PG-13 (For language and some sexy stuff)

Pairing: Snape/Harry (with Ron/Hermione, Sirius/Remus, and Ginny/Draco for fun)

Summary: Response to a challenge to have Sevvy and Harrikins get married…I believe it was Tinderblast who made the request, and who wanted fluff…here it is….

 Author's note: For those of you wondering when exactly this is all taking place, the answer is June 30^th, 2000, making Harry 19 and most of his friends 19-24 range. Severus and his peers are 37-38. Also, what do you guys think of a sequel?

"Why, again, did I have to go out with you four the night before my wedding?" Severus demanded as he trudged along, with a sour look at his companions. Sirius was wearing a similar expression and was being dragged along by Remus, who wore a look of pure torment. Dumbledore and Hagrid alone seemed to be happy about the situation, fairly skipping along, Dumbledore humming under his breath.

"It's tradition, from what I gather," Remus told him, as they made their way down the dark streets of Hogsmeade.

"Tradition to make the groom go out the night before his wedding with his employer, the grounds keeper, a man who tried to kill him, and a man who stole his position at work?" Severus wondered.

"Well, when you put it that way, it does seem rather dismal, doesn’t it?" Sirius said, "Why don't we just call it a night? Harry never has to know."

"Now, Sirius," Dumbledore intoned, "We can all get along for one evening, can't we. I'm sure it will be splendid. Ah, here we are," He pushed open the double doors of the Sweaty Swine.

As usual, the place was dimly lit and smelled strongly of sex and alcohol. The waitresses were all topless, several of the patrons were engaged in rather physical activities in the dark corners and a group of drunks were singing "I Wish I had a Bigger Wand," off key.

"Lovely," Snape commented, commandeering the last corner booth and snapping his fingers to gain the attention of their hostesses.

A pretty girl, with the colouring of a veela approached their table and grinned suggestively at them. "Hello!" She greeted, leaning over the table to offer a better view of her wares. She paid special attention to Sirius, winking openly at him. "What can I get you this evening?"

Severus sighed disgustedly and ordered a vodka martini, with the order to keep them coming, and coming. Sirius ordered a gin and tonic, Hagrid a mulled mead, and Dumbledore a rum and rootbeer float. Remus, deciding to play the official designated walker, ordered pumpkin juice. "Be right back!" Their waitress said cheerfully, twirling a finger through Dumbledore's beard.

"Charming young lady!" Dumbledore commented, bouncing in his seat. Hagrid nodded his approval, watching her retreating form.

"Just perfect," Severus drawled, slumping back. Seconds later the veela returned with their drinks. Sirius and Severus downed their respective drinks right off and she scampered away to get refills. Five minutes later, both men had several empty glasses surrounding their areas.

The group of drunks had stumbled over to their table unsteadily and were looking at the bachelor party with interest, "Mind if we join ya?" A man who smelled strongly of smoke and alcohol, and who rivalled Hagrid in size asked.

"Be my guest," Snape said, with a dismissive wave, "The more the merrier."

"What're y'all doin' here?" Another drunk asked.

"Bachelor party!" Hagrid answered, thumping Severus so hard on that back that he fell face forward on the table.

"Leena!" The first drunk yelled, and veela raised her head in acknowledgement. "These boys're havin' a bachelor's party. I say free drinks all around!"

"Well, why didn't ya say?" Leena asked cheerfully, setting about her new task.

"I'm Brian," The first drunk said, "And this is Jonathan, Trent, Christopher and Chance," He went around the circle and each person nodded his or her head as he or she was introduced. Brian snapped his fingers and out of nowhere, a half-dozen topless waitresses had gathered at his side.

Leena came back to the table, using her wand to bring along several trays of various drinks, which the men grabbed at the moment they hit the table. Leena, her task done, made her way to Sirius, not at all deterred by the fact that he and Remus were lovers. "A bachelor party, girls." Leena told her employees.

"Ooooohh," The leader purred. She was tall and thin, wearing only a thong. She tossed her pretty blonde hair over her shoulder and batted her eyes. "I'm Barbie. Who's the lucky groom?"

Sirius, enjoying the flush that had taken over Severus' cheeks pointed to his arch-nemesis.

Severus wasn't given a chance to answer, however, because at the moment the doors opened to admit a new customer. "IT'S LARS!" Leena shrieked, momentarily forgetting Sirius to fling herself at the newcomer.

A round of "Hey, Lars,"'s went around the table. Lars was a pretty woman, who looked about the same age as Sirius, Remus and Severus. She had long red hair, a curvy figure and was wearing all leather.

"Hey, Boys!" Lars greeted, dragging an empty chair over to their table and setting down heavily. "Get me the strongest thing ya got, Leena!" She ordered, with a pat on the girl's behind. Leena retrieved the drink and then came back to

Barbie had lost all interest in Snape and turned instead to Dumbledore, looping an arm around his neck and whispering naughty things in his ear. The other waitresses had all somehow found their way to Dumbledore, as the man was obviously giving off some pheromones the others lacked. One lone girl was all over Hagrid, who was blushing furiously and downing several pints of mulled mead.

"Who's the poor man going to his doom, then?" Lars asked cheerfully.

"I am he," Snape commented, burying his head in his arms.

"Awe, ain't ya havin' a good time, Severus?" Hagrid asked between receiving kisses from his new paramour.

"Not quite," Severus muttered.

"I know how to cheer you up!" Leena enthused. "Mai Lee is wonderful at giving--"

"That is quite alright!" Severus gasped.

"Oh, come on," Leena urged. "It's your last night as a bachelor…that's what this party is for…your bride-to-be won't have to know…"

"Yeah!" Brian and Chance cheered, Chance adding, "Ev'ry man does it, mate. It's tradition. Your girl won't mind!"

"Oh, you don't know Harry Potter," Severus told them, calmly. "I would never cheat on him and he would never cheat on me."

"Harry Potter?" Trent exclaimed, eyes wide. "Really? That is quite a catch!" She fanned herself for effective, "That boy is hot."

"Aren't you a bit old for him?" Chance asked, twirling his beer bottle between his middle and index fingers.

"What is it to you?" Severus demanded, suddenly angry, "You don't even know us?"

"Fair enough, mate!" Chance said agreeably, "Didn't mean to cause any trouble."

"So, if you're having a bachelor party, what's ole' Potter doin'?" Jonathan asked suddenly.

"Hopefully having more fun with his last night as a single man than I am," Snape grumbled, shoving one of the more amorous girls away from him.

Lars looked thoughtful and asked, "Correct me if I'm wrong, Severus, but isn't this supposed to be a happy occasion?"

"I suppose it is, yes. I however, would much rather be spending this time at home. In bed. With Harry," Snape told her.

"Understandable," Trent and Lars chorused. Leena, Mai Lee and a few of the other girls nodded vigorously.

Severus grabbed a martini and downed it, then another and one more. "Do you think perhaps you might slow down?" Remus suggested, with concern to the already unfocused look in the other man's eyes.

"What else are we going to do, Remus? Recount all the good times we had together?" Severus asked coolly.

"How about the time you and your little group of Slytherins cursed James' broom so that he fell of when he reached an altitude of thirty feet? Or, oh, the time when you had Peeves dump rotten food on us while we slept. And need I remind you that you never would have had any problem with us if you hadn't hounded our every move?" Sirius interjected.

"Good times, huh? I know just where to start…remember when you, James and Sirius set my hair on fire in Potions? Oh, or how about the time Sirius held me in the lake until I passed out from lack of air…" Severus levelled Black with a glare. "Ah yes, how about when you sent me after Remus, knowing I would find a full-grown, viscous, hungry werewolf?" Sirius growled standing and hovering over Severus.

"You're a werewolf?" A girl with the preposterous name of Sugar asked with sudden interest. "I like that in a man."

Sirius sneered at Snape. "It wouldn't have been a big loss."

"Sirius!" Remus shouted, noting the fire that flashed in Severus' eyes and trying desperately to prevent a full out barroom brawl. But Sirius had already had enough and he reached across the table, grabbing Snape roughly by the collar of his robes.

"Get out of my face, Black," Severus said calmly, locking eyes with his opponent.

"Or what, Snape?" Sirius challenged with a bit of a smile playing around his lips. Obviously, he didn't think Snape would do anything.

"Now," Severus bit out.

"Damn, this is going to get messy," Leena said sagely, lifting her beer bottle off the table right before Sirius knocked it over in a flurry of movement and shoved Snape firmly across the room. Severus stumbled several feet, crashing into the couple deep in flagrante dellicto. They didn't seem to note the interruption.

"Sirius, please," Remus tugged plaintively on Black's sleeve.

"Naw, let 'em at it," Lars advised, "You have a gripe with Severus here, you two go ahead and square off."

"I don't really want to do this," Snape said, standing up.

"He's afraid," Jonathan grinned. "Sirius can kick his ass, any day."

"No way," Trent said. "Snape's the man. Five galleons says he beats the punk's ass."

"Ten on Severus," Lars declared.

"Twenty on the greasy Potions Master," said Brian.

"Hell, no! I've got fifteen on Sirius," Leena laughed. "Snape's gonna get busted, Brian."

"You're only saying that cause you fancy Black." Brian accused as Severus stood and wearily made his way towards the group.

Severus calmly made his way to the centre of group, where Sirius was watching his every move. Before anyone knew what had happened, Sirius flew across the room from the impact of Snape slugging him. Sirius went down with a look of utter shock on his face, rubbing his jaw.

Brian sighed and stepped back. "Do we have to have a fight in here every night?"

Remus dodged out of Sirius' way as he charged across the room, catching Snape around the waist and sending them both to the floor. Dumbledore was the only one still sitting, watching the explosion of fists and elbows with wide eyes.

Snape elbowed Sirius hard in the ribs and thrashed around on the floor till he came up on top, punching him in the mouth. Sirius, ready for the move grabbed Snape's fist and pushed him back, altering their positions. He grabbed Severus by the hair and slammed his head none-to-gently against the hardwood floor. Only slightly fazed, Severus brought his knee up between Sirius' legs and Sirius rolled off, howling in pain.

Dazedly, Severus heard some cheering. He hauled Sirius off the floor, but Sirius had recovered and brought his head up quickly, catching Severus under the chin and forcing his teeth together with a sharp clack. He delivered another blow to Snape's gut and watched triumphantly as Snape doubled over and fell to his knees, clutching his stomach.

Sirius raised his arms in triumph and let out a whoop, spinning in circles. Therefore, he was paying little attention to Severus, who grabbed his shoulders and with all his strength, tossed Sirius out the window.

"Ohhh, poor baaaaby!" Leena shrieked, following Sirius out the window, where he lay in a puddle of glass on the pavement outside the bar. A group of people had stopped at the sound of breaking glass and were now making their way down the street.

Leena tossed herself onto Black, placing kisses all over his face and chest and effectively pinning him to the ground. The others had left the bar in the proper manner and were all watching the scene as well. Dumbledore still had an armful of topless waitresses, all hanging all over him; Hagrid was laughing uproariously at the scene. Remus had covered his eyes and was, Snape suspected, trying very hard not to have a nervous breakdown. Snape, was feeling very pleased with himself.

"What's going on here?" A sudden, authoritarian voice asked. All eyes swivelled to the official who had appeared seemingly out of nowhere. Sirius tired, to no avail, to push Leena off him.

"Er…" Remus simply couldn't think of an intelligent thing to say.

"He," Leena pointed a finger at Severus, "beat my poor Sirius up!"

"Fighting, young man?" The officer asked. Severus shrugged, with a roll of his eyes. "I don't need attitude. I'm going to have to take you all in…Barfighting, destruction of property…Indecent Exposure!"

As Severus, Sirius, Dumbledore, Leena and several of the topless waitresses were bound and led off to the local jail, Remus slumped against the wall, sliding down the sidewalk. "Harry's going to kill me."

*~*~*~*

 The florescent sign read "Naughty Nymphs" and several flashing lights surrounding it proclaimed "Girls, Girls, Girls." Harry Potter stood before the club, eyeing it wearily, wanting nothing more than to turn and run. Sensing this in their companion, Fred and George each grabbed an arm and dragged him into the brothel.

The place was light in all neon colours and the strobe lights were nearly blinding. On the main stage there was a girl dressed as a wood nymph in a sheer gown and fluttering wings. She was writhing seductively against a pole on the stage. On the side stages, several more girls were in the process of losing their clothing to catcalls and whistles. A group of five girls were wandering around, offering lap dances to any man who flashed money.

"Did you all forget that I'm marrying another MAN?" Harry demanded as the twins commandeered a large table and forced him to sit.

"Just cause you don't appreciate the female for doesn't mean we don't," Fred told him, practically drooling over the main stage girl.

"Yeah, Harry, be a sport," Ron said, taking his seat in the party. "Hermione would never go for me at a strip club if it weren't for the sake of your bachelor party."

"Hermione knows where we are?" Harry shrieked. "Oh, dear god. I'm never going to live this down." He buried his face in his hands in embarrassment.

"Hey boys," An older woman with short red hair, wearing nothing more than body paint and glitter approached them, holding a tray above her shoulder. "You're the bachelor party, right? First round's on the house," She told them, presenting them with drinks and a roll of several five-pound notes. "Just to entice the girls," She explained, "You'll have to use your own when this runs out."

Dean, Fred and George seized the money and made their way to the side stages, for the more intense action. Ron leaned back in his chair with a beer, watching the show on the main stage. Percy covered his eyes and let out a sigh of disgust. Neville looked terribly out of place in the bar, dressed in khakis, a sweater over his button down shirt and a tie. His hair was neatly parted and slicked down and he was glancing nervously over his shoulder every few seconds.

"What's your problem, Neville?" Seamus asked, concerned.

Neville jumped several feet in the air and turned to face Seamus with a look of extreme shock and apprehension. "I just keep expecting my Grandmum to find out where I am and come scold me," He explained.

"Live a bit, mate," Seamus encouraged, lighting a cigarette and taking a long drag. Then, forcing a beer into one of Neville's hand and a fifty-pound note in the other, he pushed the cowardly Gryffindor towards the nearest lap dancer. "Go get 'em tiger!" He shouted.

"Oooh, is that for moi?" The girl looked like she was from South America, and had an accent to boot. "I'm Riley," She wrapped her slender arms around Neville's neck and pressed herself enticingly against his chest. He flashed a deer-caught-in-the-headlights look over his shoulder at Seamus, who offered thumbs up in response.

"S'bout time," Seamus murmured, "Was beginning to wonder about that boy. No offence, Harry."

"Yeah, none taken," Harry returned, snatching Seamus' smoke and inhaling deeply. "So were you in on this?" He asked, gesturing vaguely to the strip club around them.

"You know, Harry, ya need to quite being so selfish," Seamus told him, throwing an arm around Harry's shoulder and snatching his cigarette back. "Tonight is about a man spending quality time with his friends."

"Watching you guys make fools out of yourselves with half naked women is quality time?" Harry wondered softly under his breath.

"It's a great past time," Seamus told him, nodding his head in the affirmative. Ron looked their way and nodded his agreement as well, before turning his attention back to the show. "Ya see--"

Harry never got to know what the next pearl of wisdom out of Seamus' mouth was going to be, for that moment Dean and the twins came running over. "Time we beat a hasty retreat!" George told them breathlessly

"What did you do?" Harry asked, looking over to where a group of angry looking guys were talking big and making their way towards the bachelor party.

"No time for talk," Fred urged, pushing them towards the door.

The group made their way to the door and then Dean noticed they were missing one person. "Oi, Neville!" He shouted. "You coming?"

Neville looked up from his lap dance, a glazed look in his eyes. "He's staying with us!" Riley told him, as the other four lap dancers descended upon him.

"Go on," Neville told them with a wave, "I'll catch up later."

"What is it about geeks?" Dean muttered, with a scowl, as they ran from the club. The group of men were hot on their heels, quite put out at the fact that their pray was giving a chase.

"Come on," Seamus interjected, "I know just the place. Follow me all!" He led them through the maze of streets that made up London. The group put on speed, losing their aggressors before long. They left behind the busy streets full of bars and strip clubs. "This is one of the few places that survived the great fire." He told them wisely.

The only light came from the candle-lit lanterns hanging in doorways. Above each entrance there were hand written signs. The ground beneath their feet was cobblestone and the walls surrounding were close enough that she could touch them both. There was a large bookstore, an inn, a couple restaurants and clothing stores and "This is the place."

The room was lit from the large fireplace in the centre and the flickering candles upon each ancient table. There were only a few couples strewn around the cavern, sipping beers at the bar and participating in a lazy game of billiards. Seamus ushered them to a small table near the bar.

Harry glanced around the place; there was a singer in the back, whispering a throaty rendition of "All By Myself" into the microphone, though no one seemed to be paying much attention. A single couple was dancing. A man with short spiked hair and wearing leather, which looked very out of place in this bar was chatting with "Malfoy?" Harry demanded incredulously.

"Oh, Potter, its you," He drawled. The redheaded girl at his side tossed her hair over her shoulder and turned to look.

"Ginny?" Fred, George, Percy and Ron all shrieked.

"How's the bachelor party going?" Ginny asked pleasantly, with a twinkle in her eyes.

"Forget the bachelor party, what are you doing here? With him?" Ron asked.

"Not that it is any of your business," Ginny said coolly, "But Draco and I are here on a date.

Ron looked taken aback. "You're dating Malfoy? Since when?"

"Does it really matter, Weasel?" Draco sneered, "Now, leave off, we're trying to have an intelligent conversation over here. Something I know for a fact you aren't capable of."

Ron moved to grab his wand and attack the aristocrat but was held back by nearly every person at the table. "Ron, need I remind you that we are in muggle London? Besides, I really don't want my best man to have a black eye," Harry said.

"Right, muggle--hey, I could take Malfoy!" Ron yelped indignantly.

"I'm sure you could," Dean said, patting Ron's arm.

Before they could even order drinks the door burst open. "You!" A man snarled, pointing at Draco and Ginny's companion. "I should have known you were the one behind this," He sauntered in, thumping a ball bat against his hand menacingly. Behind him, a group of seven men, all large in size, had gathered, to form a pyramid.

"Now, boys, I don't want any fighting in here," The owner ordered.

"Their ain't gonna be any fighting," The man said, "I'm just gonna bust this fag up and leave real nice like."

"Wouldn't that classically be defined as fighting?" Draco wondered.

"You stay out of this, pansy boy," The leader growled.

"Pansy?" Draco demanded.

"Draco," Ginny placed a hand on the arm of her escort.

"Pansy?" Draco said again, standing, his hand snaking towards his pocket, where is wand was contained.

"Draco please," Ginny said, desperately.

"Listen to your little slut, Draco," The man advised.

"Slut?" This was roared by every wizard male in the place (save Percy), who all stood at once, grabbing their wands.

"Ooohhh, they have tree branches, Stan. I guess we better run," One of the men said mockingly.

"Naw, don't see what damage they could do. This is a scrawny lot. Take 'em all…just leave him," He pointed at Draco's companion, "To me!"

The gang let out a war cry and began to charge across the room.

Various curses were called out, including a few full-body binds, a couple furnunculus and a tarantallegra, which left its victim tap-dancing around the room. Draco, who had used expelliarmus, was now making the baseball bat beat the leader repeatedly over the head.

"Come on," Harry urged, "This isn't going to last all that long and I don't want to be around when they get back up."

The group took off at top speed and ducked into the bookstore down the street, figuring the gang wouldn't look in there. Once inside, the group dispersed, hoping to look more inconspicuous. "Well, its just too bad," Harry said, quite relieved. "I guess we're just going to have to call it a night."

"Are you kidding?" George gasped.

"Harry, we're in Muggle London. Do you know how many opportunities are open to us right now?" Fred added, looping his arm through Harry's.

Percy alone seemed absolutely furious. "I should have known this…" He sputtered about for a word, "Bachelor party would go all wrong!"

"We were simply defending our sister's honour," George said.

"Nothing wrong with that, Perce," Fred agreed.

Harry's facial expression screamed that Percy save him, but as usual, Percy was oblivious.

"Thanks about that, back there," Draco's friend said, coming up to Harry, who he gathered to be the ringleader. "Don't know what I would have done if you all hadn't stepped in. My name's David, by the way," He offered them each his hand.

Ron was meandering through the self-help books, searching for his sister, to demand she tell him what the hell she was doing with Draco. Draco was immersed in the mystery section, having just found the complete novels and stories of Sherlock Holmes. Fred and George were in the sex section, ogling the pictures of naked women in instructional books. Dean and Seamus had just found their way into the research section when they came across Hermione.

"What are you two doing here? I thought you were all going to a strip club," She said the last bit with some disgust.

"Er…we were at a strip club, at one point," Dean said slyly, leaving out the part where they got chased to another bar by a group of angry men, then chased to the bookstore by another group of angry men. And the whole bit where they used magic on unwitting Muggles.

"You're all here? Even Ron and Harry?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah, and Ginny and Draco," Seamus added eagerly, "This is turning into one swinging party. C'mon, I'll take you to 'em."

They found Harry still near the door, watching anxiously as the local police carried off the gang from the bar. He thought he noted a few ministry officials poking around curiously outside the door, obviously trying to figure out who had reeked the havoc they had had to sort out.

"Hermione," He greeted happily, "Thank god. Someone sane."

"Thanks," She said, giving him a quick hug. "Where is everyone?"

"Not sure. Hey!" He shouted, "We'd better get a move on. The ministry's next door and they aren't going to be too happy if they find us!" Right away the rest of the party made their way to him. Draco stopped at the counter to buy his new find and Fred and George had a stack of books to pay for.

"You need a place to lay low?" David asked, "I can help you there."

"Who's he?" Dean asked, feeling distinctly that he had missed something.

"The guy we saved back there. His name is David…" Harry trailed off, not having obtained his last name.

"Bowie," David supplied, with a charming smile.

"Hey David," The group chorused happily enough.

"So, you know a place, eh? Lead the way," Seamus encouraged. Stealthily, as to not draw the attention of all the wizards down the street, the group sneaked from the bookstore and around the corner a couple at a time.

"David Bowie?" Hermione hissed, as she and Ron followed the rest of the group, arm in arm.

"Yeah, what's wrong with him?" Ron asked, looking the man over again. "Granted he is dressed a bit funnily, but who am I to talk?"

"But he's David Bowie," She said plaintively. She turned to Harry for support. "David Bowie."

"Yeah, Herm, we got his name the first few times," Harry reassured her.

"Nevermind," She growled, looking down at her feet. Harry and Ron shared a look of mild confusion over her head and shrugged their shoulders.

"Right, going to need to do a bit of rearranging," David told them, when they reached a busy street corner. He took Hermione and Ginny aside and wrapped Hermione's arm around Ginny's waist and Ginny's around Hermione's neck. "Now, move closer. Good. And Hermione, put your hand a bit lower…there you go."

The sign above this particular club read "Flaming Gay," and the letters were spelled out with bodies in various sexual positions. Their guide flashed the doorgirl a smile and placed his hand on Percy's shoulder, "He's with me, Jen," He said and the she waved them in.

The others made move to follow, but Jen stepped between them and the door and glanced at them speculatively. "The girls can come in and so can he," Jen said, gesturing to Draco. "The rest of you are going to have to prove that you're poofs…sorry."

"Hey!" Draco shouted indignantly, "I'm not g--"

Ginny smacked a hand over his mouth and smiled winningly at Jen. Then she dragged the still wildly protesting (though muted) Draco into the club.

Dean and George linked arms and set about kissing in such a manner that Harry wondered if they hadn't done it before. Sufficiently pleased, Jen let them in and smiled as they continued to steal kisses as they made their way inside.

Seamus and Fred looked at one another in speculation, shrugged their shoulders and then Fred proceeded to grab Seamus and kiss him thoroughly on the lips. Jen's eyes widened comically, as did Ron's and she said, "Kinky…come on in!" They sauntered in following the rest of the group.

Jen turned her gaze upon Ron and Harry and crossed her arms, waiting. "I'm *not* kissing Harry!" Ron yelped indignantly, still not over the shock of seeing his twin brothers snogging so readily.

"But I am gay!" Harry stated. "Really. Tonight's my bachelor's party. I'm getting married to another man tomorrow!" It didn't seem like Jen was going to be swayed.

"Look, we have to get in there. It is a matter of supreme importance," Harry told her, hoping the urgency in his voice would convince her. "I'm the only real gay one of them all!"

"Is there anything we could do to get in there, besides kiss?" Ron asked.

Jen's eyes lit up. "Do you know the theme to Gilligan's Island?" She asked enthusiastically.

"Gilligan's who?" Ron demanded, wondering what in the world someone named Gilligan had to do with them getting in the club.

"It's a muggle show," Harry muttered under his breath.

"You sing it, Harry…you have to know it," Ron said hopefully.

"Er…it's been years since I have a television," He said, desperately racking his memory for the tune.

"Come on! It’s the only way we're getting in!" Ron urged.

"Alright, alright…" Harry said, taking a deep breath.

"Just sit right back…" Jen said helpfully.

Harry began slowly and unsure, "Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip…er…That started in this tropic port, aboard this tiny ship."

"Keep going," Jen encouraged.

Harry smiled shakily, "The mate was a mighty sailin' man, the Skipper brave and sure. Five passengers set sail that day for a three-hour tour.

"A three-hour tour." Jen echoed

Starting to get in it a bit, Harry continued, "The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Minnow would be lost."

This time both Ron and Jen echoed, "The Minnow would be lost."

"The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle," Harry sang, "With Gilligan, the skipper too, the millionaire and his wife, the movie star, the professor and Mary-Ann, here on Gilligan's Isle!"

The next chorus Jen joined in, beaming at Harry, "Now this is the tell of the castways, they're here for a long, long time, they'll have to make the best of things, it's an uphill climb. The first mate and the Skipper too, will do their very best, to make the others comfortable, in the tropic island nest."

"No phone," Harry shouted

"No lights," Jen sang.

"No motor cars," Harry continued. "Not a single luxury, like Robinson Crusoe, as primitive as can be. So join us here each week my friends, you're sure to get a smile, from seven stranded castways,"

Together the three sang, "Here on Gilligan's Isle."

Jen smiled at the two, "Alright, you can go in, I guess."

"I really am gay," Harry protested, as they entered.

"I know," Jen told him with a secret grin, "I just like fucking with the customers."

*~*~*~*

Severus and Sirius had had the bad luck of being bound to each other, as the officer thought it was good policy for the two to work out their problems as they walked. Snape was doing the leading, practically dragging Sirius down the block.

"What if I didn't press charges?" Sirius offered helpfully.

"And I'll put a shirt on," Leena told Officer Rick.

"We'll all put shirts on," Mai Lee assured. The topless girls all nodded fervently.

Remus sidled up to the Rick and folded his hands together, wringing them nervously. "Look, officer, we have a wedding to attend tomorrow. Actually, we've got the groom here, with us, so the wedding couldn't really take place if he was in jail. You understand?"

"Certainly, but I cannot allow this behaviour to go unpunished. You can't throw people through windows," Rick explained.

"I didn't throw anyone through a window," Sirius muttered.

"No, you just got your ass kicked," Lars laughed.

"You know…" Rick said sternly, "It's attitudes like that that end up getting you in fights at the side of the road at two in the morning. And to think, I was just about to get off." Lars had the good sense to look apologetic.

"Officer," Leena purred, hurrying to catch up with Rick and laying her head on his shoulder. "Harry Potter won't be pleased if his wedding is ruined," She told him, batting her lashes rapidly.

"I say! Harry Potter? He's getting married. I'm sure that will be quite a party."

Everyone nodded eagerly. "You're invited," Sirius offered. "I'm Harry's Godfather. You have a personal, familial invitation."

"Well, I was about to get off work anyway and this would be a lot of paper work," Rick began, stopping. The others watched with wide eyes, hanging on his every word. "Now, you promise to put some clothes on?" He asked, pointing at the girls. They nodded again. "And no more fighting, boys," More fervent nods. "Alright."

The officer took out his wand and tapped it on the bindings of each person in turn. Immediately the bands would fall away. Dumbledore had kindly conjured robes for the girls to put on. Finally, Rick came to Severus and Sirius and tapped the cuff that joined them. Nothing happened. Sirius tugged frantically, but it made no difference. "Try again!"

Rick shook his head, "Won't do any good. This is a police wand, ya see," He explained, "And when my shift's over, it loses its power. My real wand is back at the station."

"I have a wand," "I've got one," and "Here, use mine!" were shouted by every member of the party, all reaching out and presenting wands of various lengths, colours and widths.

"Won't work," Rick said, holding up a hand in protest. "Only a police wand'll work. Anyone else tried, it would knock 'em out. Preventive measures, you understand."

"Well then, why don't we just go by the station and get someone who is on duty to undo them?" Severus asked, slowly, in the manner one would use with a small child.

"Nope, we'd still have to do paper work," Rick told him.

"But they're dressed now and I refuse to press charges," Sirius told him.

"You just don't want everyone to know that you can't fight worth a shit," Jonathan muttered.

"Would you all shut up about it?" Severus ground out. "What do you suggest we do about this?"

Rick stuck a thoughtful pose and stroked his chin. "Hmmm, I got some friends who don't get off til four. Their wands should work on those."

"And where can we find them?" Severus prompted.

"That's the tricky part," Rick said. "Anyone got some Floo powder? We can use the chimney in the Three Broomsticks."

"Alright, let's go," Severus suggested, leading the way with Sirius still attached.

"Wait," Sirius protested. "Where's Hagrid?"

"Better question for you," Leena interjected wisely, having taken up hanging all over Sirius again. "Where are Mickey and Lola?" She referred to two of her waitresses.

Remus looked horror stricken. "You're telling me one of the members of the bachelor party has been kidnapped by topless women?"

"We should go after him," Severus said, sighing heavily.

"First, we should get those off," Remus said, gesturing to the cuffs. "Then we can worry about Hagrid."

Twenty minutes later, they had secured the powder and used the Floo network to get themselves out of Hogsmeade and into London, right inside the Leaky Cauldron. It appeared to be costume night, given the fact that every occupant was disguised, some as animals, princesses, ghouls and other such things.

"Thanks for the lift," Sugar said silkily, as they made their way to the bar. She whipped out her wand and pointed it threateningly at the group then grabbed Remus and drew him near. "Now I'm going to take the werewolf. I promise I won't hurt him and you'll get him back before the wedding." She backed out of the bar slowly while the others were frozen in shock.

"Oh, she does that from time to time," Leena explained, shrugging her shoulders. "She will bring him back."

"Very reassuring. That is my lover, you know," Sirius said. "Can we get this things off already, so I can maybe find him?"

Rick had hunted down one of his buddies who sauntered over to them and with a flourish of his wand that reminded Severus of Gilderoy Lockhart, said, "Finiate Incantium."

The bounds fell away and Sirius rubbed his arm, glaring at Severus. "Let's go," He urged.

"You kids have fun!" Rick called as they made their way to the garden in back. "Don't beat anyone up!"

Diagon Alley was abnormally busy for twelve-thirty on a Thursday night and none of the motley crew could see Sugar or Remus.

"If you were a topless waitress with a fetish for creatures of the night, where would you be heading?" Dumbledore offered helpfully.

"Right," Sirius said. "So you and I will take Nation, Leena and Silver and go there. Severus, you take Lars, Brian and the others and look around here."

"No, I will most definitely not split from you," Severus said firmly. "Harry would have my head were I to lose you, though I'm not ashamed to say I don't know why." Seething, Sirius, Severus and their group headed immediately for Knockturn Alley while the drunken crew plus Lars searched the main street stores.

Knockturn was much less busy; actually, there wasn't a soul in sight save the bridal party. The street was poorly lit and desolate and there was no sign of Remus or his captor.

"Pretty boys and pretty girls," A voice whispered and a pretty, dark haired girl, dressed in eighteenth century garb. "All the dancers started rotting and they won't wear the pretty shoes no more," She said sadly.

Nation took pity on her and wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulder. "I know exactly what you mean."

"You haven't happened to see a werewolf and a stripper, have you?" Sirius asked weakly.

"I see only you, precious," The girl giggled, dancing up to him and embracing him.

Leena pushed her away and stepped protectively in front of Black, "Back off, Sweetie."

The girl pouted. "Bad kitty…meow!"

"Dru, don’t play with them. Its not very nice," Another woman had stepped from the shadows, this one tall and blonde, wearing a much more modern look. She snapped her fingers and out of no where, a group of cowboys descended upon the group. "You're not supposed to play with your food."

At her comment, she and Dru morphed into their true vampyric forms, and smiled sinisterly. "Take them back to the lair boys," The second girl instructed. "And no snacking."

"I just want to say, before I die," Severus said calmly, as they were led down the stairs of a crumbling house. "That I didn't even want to go out in the first place and this is ALL YOUR FAULT!" He roared at Sirius.

"My fault? Oh, that's grand coming from you, Snape," Sirius scowled.

Severus' eyes narrowed, "I do believe that you are the one who started the bar fight. You are the one who suggested Knockturn Alley--"

"That was me," Dumbledore spoke up. "And to be fair, Severus, you wanted to come here with us. You could have stayed with Lars."

Sirius stuck his tongue out at Severus.

"Now, no fighting amongst yourselves," The blonde was back. "If you spill each other's blood, there will be less for the Master when he comes."

"Ohhhh…Spanish dancers all over my skin!" Dru shrieked happily, staring at the ceiling. "The fly wants his feathers but he can't pay the aliens." She said, much more sedately. "Can you pay the aliens, Darla? Can you Grandmum?" She begged, laying her head upon the blonde's breast.

Darla looked incredibly uncomfortable and patted Dru's head, "Whatever you say, dear. Now," She turned her attention back to the hostages. "You all wait here. We'll be back to kill you in about ten minutes."

*~*~*~*

"Hermione, that's the third ball that he's caused me to lose," Ron whined, tugging on her sleeve. "Do something."

"Get stuffed," Draco muttered. Hermione seethed.

"You two are going to learn how to get along if it kills you," Hermione told them, seizing them both by their arms. "Ginny, open that closet door."

"But Hermione, I still have three extra games on the pinball machine," Ron whined, looking desperately over his shoulder at the flashing high score lights.

"I. Don't. Care," Hermione said through gritted teeth, "I'm sick of you both being mean and rude and unreasonable to each other and," She added, glaring at Draco, "Everyone else. Get their wands, Ginny."

"Sorry, Draco," Ginny muttered as she took both wands and stuffed them in her purse. "But Hermione is right. If we're going to have a serious relationship, you and Ron are going to have to attempt to get along."

With that, the door was slammed and there was a click as Hermione tapped her wand against it to make it lock shut. Ron and Draco stared at each other for several moments before Draco began to beat on the door. Right away a familiar Irish voice asked, "Hermione lock you two in there finally? She's been talking about it ever since we got here."

"Seamus, let us out. Now," Draco pleaded.

"What's the magic word?"

"Erg..." Draco lunged for the door, beating mercilessly.

"No," Seamus said playfully, "I don't think erg is even a word, let along a magical one…I'm disappointed Malfoy, I would have expected more from a seasoned wizard such as yourself."

"When I get out of here, I'm going to kill him," Draco said in a very calm, reasonable voice. He brushed off a stack of old boxes and sat down, watching his opponent speculatively.

"S'alright. She took her wands. I can still defeat you with my natural strength and wit," Ron said, taking a fighting stance.

Draco snorted, "Aren't you forgetting something, Weasley? You're the sidekick. You can't do shit. Hermione's the brain and Harry's the muscle of your operation."

"I can't wait to prove you wrong. Get up and fight me."

"Sorry, no," Draco answered. "Ginny would never forgive me if I made you bleed, which I inevitably would."

"You slimy Slytherin git!" Ron shouted, lunging.

"Face it, Weasley, Slytherin's the only way to go. Your best friend is marrying the head of the Slytherin house tomorrow, your sister is dating me…its only a matter of time before Granger wakes up and smells the coffee and then she and Blaise can ride off and live happily ever after."

Ron looked hurt, but didn't respond. Instead, he sat down opposite Draco and said, "Do me a favour Malfoy, and shut up. I don't need you pointing out the horrendousness that is my life. I can see it fine myself."

Draco, feeling slightly bad for what he had said, but not terribly so, remained quiet. He looked around the room until his eyes fell upon something that made them light up. "Hey, Weasley, do you know how to play poker?"

*~*~*~*

"Alright, there's a window up there, break it," Sirius suggested.

"We need a rock," Severus muttered, searching the dirt floor for such a thing.

"I can't say that I feel comfortable with this," Nation protested weakly.

"Which part? The being killed by vampires?" Sirius asked.

Nation shook her head. "No, breaking the window. Do you know how expensive a replacement would be?"

Severus stopped his hunt long enough to pin the crazy girl with the stare of death. "Hagrid has been kidnapped by naked women, Remus by a girl named Sugar who is obsessed with werewolves. We've been trapped in a basement by vampires that plan to sacrifice us to their dark lord. I don't know about you, Nation, but I think that is cause enough for us to break their window."

"Rock," Dumbledore interrupted, handing it to Severus. Severus lifted and aimed, missing the mark.

"Aim for window," Sirius hissed.

"I was." This time, Severus didn't miss. The glass shattered and he helped first Leena, Silver and Nation out, then Sirius and Dumbledore. Leena and Silver, with strength Severus couldn't imagine they had possessed, helped him up as well.

Nation was staring at the scattered glass on the grass with disbelief. "Wow, that is vandalism…we should leave a note," She suggested.

"Come on," Severus urged

"Or some money," Nation added.

"Now!"

"You know," Leena said thoughtfully, "Sugar does like to mix with Muggles sometimes. She might have gone into London."

"Oh dear god no," Severus muttered.

"Buck up, chap," Dumbledore advised before linking arms with Silver and Nation again and leading them back towards Diagon Alley.

*~*~*~*

"Any five's? Hey, did that box just move?" Draco gestured to a box that was now in front of the door that he had thought was in the corner.

"You're seeing things, Malfoy…Go fish. Got any aces?"

"Nope, go fish. I really think it moved…You have any aces?"

"You're cheating!"

"So?"

*~*~*~*

"Hey Perce, you look like someone just force-fed you a lemon," Seamus commented, sitting next to him.

Percy gave the Irishman a cool, aloof glare. "I do not approve of the things which have taken place this evening and I cannot believe that you have brought me," He hesitated, looking all around, then lowered his voice and leaned into Seamus, "A gay bar!"

"You don't really have to be gay to get in here," David told them. "Jen just likes fucking with the customers."

"Look at it this way," Seamus suggested, "At least you aren't locked in a closet with Draco Malfoy. Am I going to have to introduce you to the joys of living like I did Neville?"

"That's quite alright!"

"Come on, Perce, I'll show you a good time," Seamus said, taking the older man by the arm and dragging him off to the mosh pit that Fred and George had started near the stage.

*~*~*~*

"You picked the Old Maid! Woo hoo! You suck! I WIN!!!" Ron took up dancing triumphantly around the small room. The lights flickered several times, ominously.

"Weasley," Draco purred softly, gaining the other boy's attention. "Shut up!"

*~*~*~*

"Hermione, since you have deprived me of my escort and since we are in a gay bar," Ginny began, looking at the dance floor destitutely, where everyone else was having a good time, "I demand you dance with me."

"Sure, Ginny," Hermione said gamely. She took the younger girl's hand and led her to the dance floor.

Harry watched them retreating in disbelief, wondering if, in fact, he was not the only gay one of the group. "So, Harry, where's the honeymoon?" David asked, drawing his attention away from speculation.

"The Great Wall of China, the Great Barrier Reef and then to Greece," Harry told him distractedly.

"Strange variety," David commented.

"Severus is a strange man," Harry said solemnly.

"Indeed he is, Harry!" Fred agreed, appearing from the dance floor at Harry's elbow. "He'd want you to have fun this evening!"

"Fun, this evening," Harry told him, "Would be going home to my bedroom and having Severus join me."

"You're in a gay bar," Fred urged.

"You're gay," George added, "Put it together."

Harry sighed, "You know, why don't you two go have fun and I'll live vicariously."

"Will do," George said and he and Fred made their way back to pit. Ginny dragged a rather unenthusiastic Hermione along to join them.

"This has to be the strangest evening of my entire life," Harry muttered, to no one in particular.

"Buck up, Chap," David suggested, patting his hand, "It can only get better."

*~*~*~*

"Give me four," Ron demanded, looking over his deck.

"You can't have four, Weasley."

"Why not? You took four," Ron pointed out.

"Yes, because I am the dealer," Draco explained, rationally.

"I may never have played before, but I don't think that is in the rules."

"Don't question it," Draco advised.

"Just give me three," Ron said, resignedly.

Draco smiled and passed him three cards. "There's a good boy."

"I hate you."

"I know--full house, I win. Again."

"I hate you."

"Weasley, face it, not only am I gifted with superior good looks and intelligence, but also the more cunning, strategic mind," Draco said airily.

But Ron wasn't paying any attention to Draco. Instead, he was staring blankly at the wall behind the Slytherin. "What is it?" Draco asked, spinning to look. His eyes widened when he saw. An invisible hand was scrawling, in fresh blood, "You will be the next to die." All the boxes had begun to move and the cards were flying rapidly around the room.

Both Ron and Draco looked towards each other, then back at the wall. Then back at each other. As a unit, they let out terrified screams and ran to the door, pounding with all their strength.

*~*~*~*

"This is the last place I can think of," Silver told them. The group stood before an apartment door marked 407B.

They had lost Lars and the others in Diagon Alley and after searching for them for a half-hour had gone back on their search for Sugar and Remus. Leena, Silver and Nation had dragged them all over west London from apartment, to apartment and the odd house, for over two hours and they were no closer to finding any sign of their abducted friend.

Sirius knocked harshly on the door. "Sugar, I want him back!" He shouted menacingly. They waited several minutes before he knocked again. There was no response, not the slightest noise from within. "I'm breaking the door down," He warned.

"Sirius, I really don't think that is the wisest course of action," Dumbledore said.

"Yeah, first windows, now doors," Nation pouted, "Next thing I know we'll be spray painting obscenities on the palace gates!"

"Leena, dear," Sirius purred, "Would you please shut that nut case up!"

"Certainly, love. Nation, shut up," Leena instructed. Obediently, Nation remained silent as Sirius took a running start and slammed into the door. He groaned in pain, staggering back and the door remained intact.

"Ass," Severus muttered, taking his wand out and tapping it to the door, "Reducto." The door blast out of the way and the party stepped inside. There was no one to be seen.

Sirius looked absolutely lost and rather depressed. The group looked around in silence, hoping to find some clue, wondering what they would do now.

"Oh, I have it!" Leena shouted, bouncing excitedly. All looked at her expectantly. "Sugar and her friends love this bar, down near Piccadilly. She goes there whenever she's off work. It might be our best bet."

"Lead the way, young lady," Dumbledore said cheerfully.

"Why do I have a sense of impending doom?" Severus asked quietly, to no one in particular.

*~*~*~*

"Remus, what are you doing here?" Harry asked of his friend, who had stumbled in with a group of women who immediately dispersed throughout the room.

"You know, Harry, I don't know," Remus told him exhaustedly, collapsing into one of the empty seats. "I was kidnapped by a woman named Sugar with a werewolf fetish who took me to her home and proceeded to do things to me so ungodly that I have been forced to block them out. Then, she called her friend and they dragged me here."

"What? Wait, I don't want to know," Then Harry asked, suddenly worried. "Is everything alright? Is Severus all right? Did he and Sirius get at it again?" He demanded, hands going to his hips.

"Well, by going at it do you mean starting a verbal war which led to a physical scuffle in the middle of the Sweaty Swine? Because, if that is what you meant, then yes," Remus admitted.

"You have got to be kidding me!" Harry bemoaned.

"Oh, it only gets worse," Remus assured.

"I don't even want to know," Harry said, before Remus could continue. "Please tell me that they are both still in one piece, at least. The last thing I need is to have a bridal party full of black eyes and bloody lips."

Remus gave Harry a faint smile and patted his knee. "Not sure. Last I knew they were handcuffed to each other. Now, I'm off to get thoroughly smashed, Harry, my boy, and I suggest you do the same."

"Was that Lupin?" Draco asked.

"Is that blood on your cheek? I thought you and Ron were locked in a closet," Harry commented as Draco made his way to their table and plopped down gracefully.

"Haunted closet," He explained, wiping the blood away. "Seamus was good enough to let us out," Draco told him.

"What did you have to give him?" Harry asked.

"One hundred thirty galleons, a small town in France named after him and my first born," Draco said blandly. "Which if you think about it is a fair trade, considering the damage Hermione's going to do to him when she finds out he was the one to let us out."

Harry nodded his head in agreement. "Get anything worked out?"

"Yeah, that I'm a slimy git," Draco told him. Again, Harry nodded his head.

"So where's Ron?"

"Ah, he and Dean are fighting over who gets the extra game of pinball," Draco explained, pointing to where the two men were smacking and poking each other in a very childish manner. "My money's on Dean, Ginny still has Ron's wand."

"What's that you've got, Draco?" David asked.

Draco held up his new book. "Sherlock Holmes, all the stories and novels in one handy edition. I've only just started but it is quite interesting."

"Pfft. Sherlock Holmes," David dismissed it with a wave of his hand. "He was just a glorified druggie."

"Was not!" Draco yelped indignantly, hugging the book protectively against his chest.

David shoved his cigarette in his mouth and reached across the table, plucking the book from Draco's hands. He flipped through the pages til he found what he was looking for a pointed out the passage to Draco.

Draco looked entirely flabbergasted. "But that doesn't mean he wasn't a genius!"

"True, true, he was good at solving mysteries, but that's about it," David fought back.

One of the bartenders meandered over to their table. "Can I get you anything?" He asked, gazing appreciatively at Draco.

"Beer," Harry said hopefully.

"ID?" The barman asked.

"Pepsi," Harry sighed.

"Beer," Draco purred.

"Sure thing," The man said then hurried off to place the orders.

"Now, about Sherlock," Draco began, turning his attention to David once again.

"Oh, shit!" Harry's eyes locked on the door where two leggy brunettes who were wearing little more than their underwear had just led in Severus, Sirius and Dumbledore. He wondered briefly what his lover was doing here and realised that he didn't want to have to answer that very question, were Snape to ask him.

Severus wouldn't notice Dean and Ron, the twins, Percy and Seamus had all seemed to disappear and Ginny and Hermione were in the girl's room. Harry, the only one left that might be recognised as part of the bachelor party, ducked under the table, hoping Severus hadn't seen him.

"What ever are you doing down there?" David asked, looking down at him and raising a brow.

"Er…could you hand me my Pepsi?" Harry asked, dodging the question.

"The bartender says its two-fifty," David told him.

"Er…could you give the bartender two-fifty?" Harry wondered. Draco pulled out a wad of muggle cash and shoved some towards the bartender.

"Yours is on the house," The man whispered to Draco.

"Yeah, I owe you two-fifty, okay? Cause I don't want you to have just bought me a drink." Harry told Draco.

"Whatever you say, Potter," Draco muttered, shoving the Pepsi under the table.

"Mister Malfoy! What are you doing here?" Severus asked. Harry could just make out the top of his shoes from his position.

But Draco was too busy gaping at Dumbledore. "Professor, I had no idea," He gasped.

"Ah, Mister Malfoy, I'm just here with my lovely female companions, going where the night takes me," Dumbledore exclaimed, "I do not consider myself to be…what was the phrase? 'Flaming Gay.' However, I have nothing against experimentation."

"Over share," Draco murmured, burying his face in his hands.

Sirius sat down heavily in Harry's vacated seat and the others followed in suit. "Oh, hey Bowie," Nation greeted. "Are you going to sing tonight?'

"You're a singer?" Draco asked with sudden interest. Beneath the table, a sudden light bulb went off above Harry's head. That David Bowie…no wonder Hermione had been so worked up.

David looked at him oddly. "You didn't know?"

Draco shook his head, "But I'd love to hear you."

"Yeah, Bowie baby, it's been too long," Nation agreed. Bowie headed towards the bar and Silver followed him eagerly. Nation readjusted herself on Dumbledore's lap and stole Draco's beer from him, taking a long pull. Severus fell into David's abandoned seat and immediately his knee came into sharp contact with something…rather someone under the table. Harry let out a groan of pain and crawled out into the open.

"Harry, what were you doing under Draco Malfoy and David Bowie's table in a bar called 'Flaming Gay'?" Severus asked calming.

Harry held his cheek, which had just received a blow and levelled his lover with a gaze. "Believe it or not, trying to avoid that very question," Harry said finally.

"Oh, I believe you," Severus murmured.

"I wasn't cheating on you if that's what you were implying," Harry said, shifting on his knees to come closer.

"I wasn't," Severus said.

"Never would."

"I know."

"You're my sun, moon, stars and deadly meteor heading straight for earth," Harry whispered.

"Harry, if you don't stop talking and get your ass over here, I might have to resort to violence," Severus warned. With a smile Harry slunk over to him, crawling into his lap and claming a rather passionate kiss, winding his arms around Severus' neck and straddling his waist. "Much," kiss, "Better," Severus said, gripping Harry's head in his hands.

"Groan," Draco hissed, taking his beer back from Nation. "Where's Ginny?"

"What is Ginny doing here?" Sirius asked. "Who else is here?"

"Dean and Ron are in a bitch-slapping fight over videos games, Fred and George are being initiated into some weird, homosexual cult in the back room, Seamus dragged Percy into the broom closet after he let us out and has proceeded, I believe, to do very nasty things to the Ministry official. Ginny and Hermione, however, have gone somewhere I do not know," Draco explained.

"I don't think I should ask," Sirius said, after a brief silence.

"Wise choice," Dumbledore said thoughtfully, nodding his head.

"So, I'm gathering that guy in the lip-lock with Sevvy is Harry Potter, right?" Nation asked suddenly.

"Yes, the one and only," Draco replied, "But believe me, besides the scar, and the fact that he's shagging his former teacher, there's nothing too spectacular about him."

"I take it that your night hasn't been any better than mine, from what Remus tells me," Harry said, breaking off the kiss and resting his cheek against Snape's shoulder.

"You've found him?" Sirius and Severus asked together.

"Found him?" Harry asked, puzzled, "He was dragged in here by a wild horde of stripping lesbian witches and proceeded to get thoroughly smashed, I do believe. He's over at the bar."

"Oh, thank god," Sirius gasped and made his way to his lover.

"Can we go home?" Harry asked, his voice muffled against Severus' neck.

"Not so fast Harry," Seamus said cheerfully, appearing out of no where with a flushed Percy at his side. "We've still got to find Neville. Those floozies made off with him and we can't leave him in their clutches or he'll be a changed man."

"Yes, and we've yet to discover what happened to dear Hagrid," Dumbledore said.

"Ehhh," Harry moaned, "Can some one of age please buy me some very strong alcoholic beverages?"

"Come on," Sirius dragged Harry off Severus' lap and led him to the bar. Shrugging, the others save Draco and Severus followed. They noted Remus at one end of the counter and moved towards him, sitting on all sides.

"Remus, good to see you again," Sirius said, placing an arm around his lover.

"Aren't you going to introduce us?" Nation demanded, "Its very rude to just walk up to someone and start talking without introducing me."

"Nation, its me, Remus. You remember? The one you groped mercilessly until I was abducted by strippers," Remus reminded her.

"Nation's got some weird form of amnesia where she forgets things and I think I can categorically say she a PSYCHOPATH…So no, she doesn't remember," Sirius told him.

"Oh, you were with us before? You've missed so much!" Nation exclaimed. "There was the group of vampires from California and then we met some real life cowboys!" She clapped her hands together.

Harry stared at her wide-eyed, "Is that so?"

"Then Sirius and I hung out in a muggle cinema theatre and it was amazing," She continued. "What Sirius and I did, not the theatre," She added for clarification.

Sirius let out a strangled cry of protest and was, before being dragged away by Remus (who had noted the murderous gleam in his lover's eye), mentally calculating just the proper angle at which to shove Nation off the stool so that it would appear to be an accident. Nation smiled at him over her shoulder and gave a quick, sassy wave, before turning back to talk to Harry. "That man can do amazing things with --"

"Whatever she's saying, it's a lie!" Sirius shrieked, as Remus forced him to sit down.

"Quit being childish." Snape muttered, nudging Sirius in the gut. "Harry wouldn't believe anything that mental case has to say. Harry, why don't you bring your drink over here and leave Nation to tell her crazy ramblings to the barkeep," He suggested

"No, I'm interested in what Nation has to say about a Danish contortionist you --" Harry was cut off midway through his sentence.

"Whatever she said is a LIE!" Snape yelled.

David had meanwhile got onstage and had already had the band set up. "This one is for the two lovebirds out there tonight!" He shouted, winking at Harry and Severus. "They haven't been having a great evening so far, but I think we can change that. Get up and dance, you two."

While both were reluctant to do just that, the others thought it would be great fun and while the twins dragged an unwilling Severus to the floor, Seamus prodded Harry to join him. Severus caught Harry's eye and the smile he gave was enough to cheer Harry up considerably.

Snape wrapped his arms around Harry's waist, drawing him close, then took Harry's right hand in his left. Harry melted against his fiancé with a sigh of relief and closed his eyes. As they began to move together slowly across the dance floor, David began to sing.

"Seems about right," Harry murmured and Severus hummed his agreement. Maybe--finally--things were going to get better this evening. Maybe they could find Neville and Hagrid, get home and get a couple hours of sleep before they had to be at the wedding.

The doors to "Flaming Gay" burst open and in strolled Dru and Darla, both looking rather angry and their group of cowboy vampires followed. Severus tightened his grip protectively around Harry and moved them so that he stood between the vampires and his lover.

Darla grabbed the patron closest to her and drew the poor thing near by the throat and the other vampires were behaving in a similar manner, letting out cries of "Yea-haw!" "Alright, people," Darla announced, "We came here for the vandals that ruined our basement window and holy ritual that can only take place every two-hundred and thirty years."

"I'm guessing that was you guys," Harry muttered, recalling Nation's stories.

"Sadly, yes," Severus replied. "And I feel so bad for depriving them of my blood."

"Now isn't the time for sarcasm," Harry retorted.

"Hey," David knelt down on the stage to whisper to them. "Are they after you guys? I'll cause a distraction and then you round up your troupes and meet me out back." He stood and cleared his throat. "Hey, everyone, this gang fancies Eminem."

The transformation in the room was readily noticed. Every person fell silent and stared venomously at the vampires. Then, as a whole, the revellers charged.

"So much for the thought of going home and getting some sleep," Harry said, disappointment lacing his words.

"Harry," Severus said, as he dragged his lover along, "we are caught in a grotesquely appalling farce tonight. Absolutely nothing will go as it should, neither for me nor you."

They found the table of their compatriots and ran to the back in escape. David was waiting for them, as promised. "Come on, all, I'll take ya to Mick's." No one dared ask what Mick's was, because they weren't certain they wanted to know.

"What's all the noise?" Ginny asked of Hermione, who was primping in front of the mirror.

Hermione scrunched her nose, listening to the noises of terror from outside. Together, she and Ginny stuck their heads out the bathroom door and looked on in wonder at the mayhem in the bar. There were customers on top of the bar, spraying alcohol and water all over the place. There were several women using their purses to beat a gang of cowboys and several small fights had broken out over the place.

"Where's everyone?" Ginny screamed to be heard over the sound.

"There's Remus," Hermione pointed across the room to where the former teacher was cowering under the bar with a stripper at his side. Both girls hurried to them.

"We've been left," Remus said blandly, when they reached his side. "The others escaped out the back, but we were trapped."

"I guess the best way out is the front," Hermione suggested, and she was right, as the customers had begun to take the fight outside and to go with the flow of the traffic, they would be led right out the door.

"So, now what?" Hermione asked breathlessly, once they stood outside again.

Nation looked at her watch. "The zoo will be opening soon. Wanna go?"

"You paying?" Ginny prompted.

"Yep, I had a good night."

"Sure." Hermione readily agreed.

"Hey, wait a minute, we have a wedding to attend," Remus protested.

"It's not until later," Ginny said, "Besides, you want to stay and get a ride with them?" She asked, nodding towards the others.

Remus looked at the group, Darla was on a warpath, shrieking at her cowboy lackeys, and Drucilla was weeping and dancing in circles. Several patrons were still trying to attack Darla and her gang. Many of the Cowboys had begun to try and hail taxies. Remus looked back at Nation, Hermione and Ginny. "Alright, but I want to see the zebras." The others nodded gamely and the werewolf, stripper and witches took off, leaving the others to argue long into the coming day.

*~*~*~*

Mick's turned out to be a masseuse parlour slash Chinese restaurant. There were several Muggles crammed in the place, neither dining nor getting massages. Rather, they were chatting and dancing to the loud music, posing for pictures from magazines and playing games.

David led the way downstairs and into the large basement which had been made into a casino. There were Muggles playing cards, pulling levers on slot machines, and rolling dice. David stopped by a small spinning dish and gestured to it. "Ever played roulette?" He asked.

"Excuse me?" Severus demanded.

"Muggle game," David told them and the others started at his use of wizard terminology. "Lots of fun. Pick a number and a colour, bet some money, spin the wheel, drop the ball."

Severus looked perplexed, as did Percy, Seamus and Sirius. "But the odds against you are phenomenal," Percy protested.

"Yeah, Percy, but imagine how great you feel when you pick the right combination," David reasoned. He handed Percy a twenty-pound note and several single coins. "Give it a go."

Dubious and amazed, Percy strode over to the roulette table and handed over his money. "What number?" Seamus whispered in his ear.

"Black 13, I guess," Percy responded. The man running the game placed a single red chip on Black 13 and set the wheel spinning. Everyone watched with bated breath as the ball hopped and jumped from square to square and the wheel went round and round. Red 7…black 26…black 15…red 25…

"Black 13!" The dealer cried. The bachelor party members began to cheer like crazy and Percy was given the winnings.

"That's a boy," David muttered, patting him on the arm and heading further into the room. "Have a blast." The gang dispersed throughout the building, finding games suited to themselves and betting large amounts of money.

Percy, somehow, was having the greatest streak of luck ever in the world. He had conquered the roulette wheel. Same with Black Jack. He had moved on to craps when the twins came rushing to his side.

George threw an arm over Percy's shoulder and grinned at his older brother. "Percy," He drawled, with a sugary sweet tone of voice.

"Best brother in the world," Fred purred, pecking Percy on the cheek.

"We need some money," George told him bluntly.

Percy looked at each in turn with a scowl. "Go away."

"But we're brothers, Percy," George insisted.

"Yeah… isn’t genetics a bitch?" Percy retorted. George and Fred looked at each other in complete amazement, but Seamus was beaming proudly at his newfound lover.

"That's my boy," Seamus cheered, kissing Percy passionately. The twins stalked away, plotting revenge.

Harry found his godfather in the sitting room, the only quiet room in the entire building. "Sirius, what's wrong?" Harry asked, noting the helpless, lost look on the older man's face. "Well, besides the obvious," He added belatedly.

Sirius glanced up, then back at his feet. "Only that I can't seem to do a very good job of taking care of what's mine. I've lost Remus twice now, tonight."

Harry, despite himself--despite everything--felt a smile tugging at his lips. "Well, at least this time he's with Ginny and Hermione. They'll keep him safe."

"Its not Ginny and Hermione I'm worried about," Sirius told him. "He's also with Nation."

*~*~*~*

"Oh, well, it's closed," Remus sighed, hoping he sounded disappointed. Had they really expected it to be open at this time in the morning? "I guess we should just go home and rest up for tomorrow."

"Oh please," Nation hissed. "Like any other laws have got in your way tonight."

"What's she talking about?" Hermione asked, a smile creeping into her features.

"Not ever going to tell you," Remus responded. Meanwhile, Nation and Ginny had begun to scale the gates. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Ginny!" Hermione shouted, in disbelief.

"Well," Ginny reasoned, panting slightly. "Nation has a point. Tonight has been utterly crazy and I figure I'll never get a chance to do something like this ever again. I might as well take advantage of it!" She landed with a plop on the opposite side of the fence and helped Nation down as well.

"Remus," Hermione hissed, hitting the werewolf on the chest, hoping he would say something to back her up.

"What can I say? Ginny's right. I for one never plan to spend another night in a similar manner as this one ever again." He told her plainly.

"That may very well be," Hermione ground out, hands on hips, "But that doesn't mean that I plan on breaking into a zoo simply because I'll never get the opportunity again. "This is breaking and entering."

"Breaking and entering is such a negative term." Nation muttered.

"Oh, come on," Ginny urged. She pulled her wand from her purse and pointed it directly at Hermione. "Wingardium Leviosa."

With a shriek, Hermione was lifted in the air, flailing about furiously about for something to keep herself grounded. "Ginny!" The redhead guided Hermione over the fence and lowered her gently to the pavement with a beaming smile. "I cannot believe you! Fred and George have been the worse influence. I simply can't…" Her words were drowned out as Ginny linked their arms together and began to drag Hermione down the path.

Nation gave Remus an appraising glance and arched her brows in question. Remus gave a sigh, said "What the Hell?" and Apparated from the sidewalk to the path inside the zoo. "Not a word of this to the others," He ordered and Nation shook her head no and mimicked zipping her lips closed and throwing away the key.

"Not a word," She agreed solemnly.

The two hurried along to where Hermione and Ginny staring fixedly at a Plexiglas cage. "I've never seen anything quite so amazing," Ginny whispered, tracing her fingers over the barrier, a dreamy look on her face.

"Ummm humm," Hermione agree, her eyes glazed over. She was swaying back in forth in place.

"What in heaven's name is so fascinating?" Remus demanded. He took on look in the cage and burst out laughing. A dozen flamingos were standing around, on one leg each, apparently asleep, though Remus couldn't be sure. However, when the flamingos heard Remus' laughter, they skittered as far away from the glass as they could, looking nervous, if at all possible. "Sorry," He muttered to the girls in apology.

"Oooh," Nation purred, she pointed excitedly at the zoo marquee. "They have penguins." She clapped her hands together. "May we go?" Nation skipped down the designated path without waiting for a response and the others dutifully followed.

They found Nation standing outside a large white, non-descript building with a contemplative look upon her face. The double doors of the building were chained and held together with a large lock. "Oh no," Nation muttered, with a frown, "I wanted to see them so."

"Nation you are a witch, are you not?" Remus asked. It wasn't the first time the evening he had wondered that very question. She acted nothing like any witch he'd ever met.

"Yes!" Nation said defensively, crossing her arms over her ample chest and pushing her cleavage up. "Among other things."

Remus covered his eyes. "Well then, why not use your wand?"

Nation's pretty brows furrowed. "My wand? Use it for what?"

Ginny smothered a giggle, Hermione rolled her eyes and Remus sighed heavily. "To unlock the door," He suggested gently.

A look of enlightenment came over Nation's face and she pulled her wand from her skirt, causing the others to wonder how she had kept it in the skin-tight, extremely tiny scrap she was wearing. "Brilliant," She praised, then thrust the narrow point into the opening on the lock.

This time, Ginny couldn't hold back her laughter and Hermione joined in. Remus just sighed again. Nation meanwhile had sunk to her knees, squinted her eyes and was manipulating the wand inside the lock, obviously trying her hardest to pry the thing open. Her tongue poked from the corner of her mouth in concentration, but it did no good, the lock wouldn't budge.

Nation fell back on her heels and dropped her hands in surrender. "No use," She sighed, then caught herself and looked up apologetically at Remus, "But it was worth a try."

"Nation," Hermione gasped, between desperate gales of laughter. She caught the older woman by the arm and pulled her to her feet. Then, Hermione took her own wand and pointed it at the lock, "Alohormora."

"Oh," Nation said again, her lips forming a surprised bow, "Right."

As the group entered, the penguins moved, en masse, away from Remus. "You know, I'm beginning to think it wasn't such a great idea for me to come with you lot after all," Remus muttered. "At least with the vampires, I would be among fellow creatures of the night."

Hermione patted his arm consolingly and said, "You just stay right here." She and the other two girls ventured further into the room. With a happy, eager squeal, Nation seized one of the poles around the penguins and in a move that showcased her abilities as a stripper by swinging herself around it and landing inside the encasement.

"Wow," Ginny mouthed to her friend and Hermione nodded in agreement.

"Nation, maybe it isn't the best idea to actually get in the cage with them," Hermione suggested.

The stripper looked suddenly fearful and backed away towards the fencing. "Why, will they hurt me?"

Ginny shook her head. "No, I'm not certain. I mean, what damage could they do with…there big…sharp…beaks…uh, Nation, maybe Hermione's right!"

"No," Hermione interrupted, "I don't think they'll do any harm, I just don't think you're supposed to get in with them is all."

"Is that it?" Nation demanded. "Because I don't think we're really supposed to be in the zoo after it is closed, either."

"No need to be snippy," Hermione began, narrowing her eyes.

"Ladies," Remus murmured.

Nation came up to the barrier and leaned over provocatively, "It was your idea we come here."

Hermione's face scrunched in confusion as she considered that last statement. "No, it wasn't. It was yours."

"Are you calling me a liar?" Nation challenged, crouching slightly, as if preparing for attack.

"Ladies," Remus said again, louder.

"Well, now that you mention it, I guess I would be," Hermione returned, "Calling you a liar, that is."

"Really?" Nation asked silkily.

"Yeah. What are you going to do about it?" Hermione demanded

"Ladies!" Remus shouted, breaking the growing tension between the women. Both they and Ginny turned to look his way. He pointed pointedly at corner. Their gazes flicked there, to where a little red light was blinking on a camera, recording their every move.

"Oh, perfect!" Hermione groaned.

"Let's get out of here," Ginny suggested, taking Nation's arm and pulling her gently from the cage and towards the door.

"It's too late for that, Ginny," Remus told her. "They have our faces on tape."

"Well then," Hermione said determinedly, "We'll just have to find the security room and get rid of the tapes."

*~*~*~*

Severus had found a quiet balcony on the third floor of the building and was taking in the fresh night air, trying to clear his head. Tonight had to be the most unreal night of his life. And, having dealt with Marauders, students of Hogwarts and Voldemort, Severus Snape had had some fairly unordinary evenings.

"Thinking of jumping?" Harry's voice was soft, his breath whispering against Severus' ear as he wrapped his arms around the taller man from behind.

"Perhaps," Severus replied dryly, arching a brow.

Harry placed a kiss on his lover's neck and hugged Severus tightly. "Please don't. I'd be lost without you. Might have to jump myself and that would be a mess, now wouldn't it?"

Severus placed one hand over Harry's and laced their fingers together. He brought their joined hands to his lips and placed a kiss on Harry's knuckles. "I love you."

Grinning, Harry turned Severus around and backed him against the railing, placing a hand on either side and leaning into him. "I love you, too," Harry replied, standing on his tiptoes to kiss Severus.

Once the kiss had ended, Severus rested his head against Harry's and locked eyes. He brought his hand up to trace Harry's cheek and jaw, tickling his way down the column of Harry's neck. "Let's leave, right now," Severus suggested. "Aparate to Las Vegas, get married by one of those horrid Elvis impersonators and forget about everything here til our honeymoon is over."

"That idea has definite merit," Harry agreed, tipping his head slightly, his eyes never leaving Snape's. "But the others would never forgive us. "Especially Hermione. She's been practising non stop."

Severus groaned, turning his head away to look out across the London night skyline. Harry caught his chin and guided Severus' face back to his own, kissing him briefly. "You really want to run away?"

"It wouldn't be running away," Severus rationalised, "It would be eloping." At Harry's pursed lips, he continued, "Which…is…a lot like running away…" He closed his eyes tightly, briefly, "And no, I don't want to. Not really. I want to do this right. And that includes a real ceremony, and Hermione rather than Elvis and Sirius, ready to break my neck should I even mispronounce a single word during the exchange of vows."

"Sounds perfect," Harry told him seriously. "Right down to the psychotic, ex-convict god-father."

"What are you two doing up here?" Draco's voice carried its usual sneer. "Double suicide? That is so last century."

Harry glanced over his shoulder to find Malfoy leaning against the threshold, watching them with a lazy grin. He absently wondered how long Malfoy had been there and decided he didn't really want to know. "How about homicide?" Harry growled.

Draco's eyes widened comically, before he regained his composure and began to laugh. "Why, Potter, I didn't know you were capable of humour, let alone wit."

"It is something he keeps well hidden," Severus said, and gave Harry a smirk when he spun to pin Severus with a glare.

"Oh, that's rich. You, taking sides with Malfoy," Harry muttered. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised, huh? It is nothing new."

Severus couldn't help but grin at his lover's pout. He couldn't help but kiss it away either. "Don't worry, love. I may taunt you with him, but I like you much better."

"You had better," Harry said, but he was smiling now.

"Not to break up this moment…" Draco paused and looked contemplative. "Actually, to break up this moment, I thought you might like to know that we are missing my girlfriend, among others. Dean is starting a nude conga line around the pool. Ron has run out of money and is betting with his soul and I think Black really is considering suicide."

"Oh, pity," Severus said under his breath, but Harry heard him and batted at his chest.

"I'm going to try and calm things down," Harry said, making his way back into the house. "You," He poked his finger in Draco's chest, "Stay the hell away from my fiancé."

Draco hadn't been far off in describing the events taking place downstairs. Percy was still on his winning streak (much to the chagrin of the twins) and Seamus was hanging all over him, claiming to be a lucky charm and dazzling all the women and some of the men. It was true also that Dean had formed a nude conga line. However, few guests were as drunk as Dean and so the line only consisted of six people, dancing around the courtyard.

There remained Ron, who was betting not with his soul, but getting close and the twins, who were charming a crowd of muggle girls with their reenactment of the final battle between good and evil--using a meatball to represent Voldemort, a gummy worm as Wormtail, Harry as a potato chip and Dumbledore, Severus, Sirius and Remus as various vegetables. The girls were laughing, though whether at the scene or the twins themselves, Harry wasn't sure. He sincerely hoped it was the latter.

Sirius was sitting at the fountain in the courtyard, watching the nude dancers with a far-off look in his eyes. Harry sighed, wondering how on earth this evening had gone as it had. He stepped out on the patio and was amazed at who he found there. Lavender Brown was looking rather gorgeous, her thick chestnut hair and matching eyes glistening in the candlelight. She was talking animatedly, holding the attention of several muggle men, but she noted Harry as he left the house and her voice trailed off.

Lavender smiled brilliantly at him and stood to hug him. "Harry, darling, what are you doing here?"

Harry wondered how he should answer that question, as he wasn't quite certain what he was doing at a Chinese get-a-massage-while-you-gamble-parlor. "Having a bachelor party, I suppose," He said evasively.

"Oh, that's right," Lavender trilled, "The wedding's tomorrow, is it not?" She leaned forward and whispered so that only Harry could hear her, "Really, Harry, whatever are you going through with it for?"

Really, Harry didn't expect Lavender of all people to understand his motives. She had been bothering him ever since she had learned of the engagement, and Harry had been trying to discover just who had sent Miss Brown an invitation, so he could perform an unforgivable curse or two on them. "Have you seen Ginny or Hermione?" He asked, instead of answering her question and he could tell she was a bit put out by that fact.

"Well no, I imagine not," Lavender said coolly. She narrowed her eyes; "It is after all a bachelor party, is it not? What would women be doing with you? Unless…" Her eyes lit up and again her voice trailed off.

"Lavender," Harry said warningly. "Hermione and Ginny have done nothing disrespectful all evening." Lavender pouted prettily and Harry figured that if he gave her a bit of gossip, she might leave him alone. "Unless you call dating Draco Malfoy disrespectful, which Ginny has been doing."

"No way," Lavender gasped, her hand fluttering to her chest. "I've got to tell Parvati! See you tomorrow darling. And remember, it's not to late to leave him at the alter." Then her eyes glazed over and she murmured, "Draco Malfoy, what a catch…" And Lavender apparated with a pop. Her male friends didn't seem too disturbed by the fact. They went back to their conversation as if a person hadn't just disappeared.

Harry shook his head to clear it and made his way to the fountain, sinking down at Sirius' side. "It can only get better," He reasoned.

*~*~*~*

The room had six rows of television screens, each four screens wide, generally inside buildings, though some scanning the cages of the more dangerous animals. Hermione pointed to the third screen of the second row. "This is it."

"This is just soooo amazing," Nation said, her fingers dancing over all the equipment. "Muggles are so fascinating."

"Terribly so. Okay, Hermione, how are we supposed to get the tape?" Remus asked distractedly, glancing around in interest as well.

Hermione was already deep in thought. She looked around the room until she found the VCRs and searched each one til she found it and ejected the tape with their adventure recorded on it. "Okay, now let's just get out of here, go home and get some sleep."

Remus was about to agree when the sound of a toilet flushing sounded, then running water and a small door on the far wall opened. A security guard emerged and for a moment, he simply stared at them and they at him. As he made reach for his baton, the quartet spun and ran from the room at top speed, bursting out of the security building.

Hermione led the way to what she thought was the gate, but they found themselves even deeper in the zoo. "Why don't we just Apparate out of here? I mean, it's pointless to run from the man!"

Ginny looked at him with wide-eyed panic, doubled over and breathing heavily. "But, I can't Apparate!" She protested.

"Yeah, and I don't want to see Nation to try to Apparate," Hermione said, "I'd hate to see how badly that nice body of hers would be splinched," She added with a feral gleam in her eyes.

A vicious growl interrupted their dialogue and they turned to find the source. The tigers weren't happy with having a werewolf so very close to them and were pacing up and down, as close to the wire barrier as possible. "I think-" Remus didn't get to say much, for at the very sound of his voice the tigers pounced as one on the barrier, snarling and clawing desperately. The metal groaned ominously.

"Run?" Hermione half asked, half suggested. Remus nodded and they began to run again, leaving in their wake roaring, squeaking, crying animals outraged at Remus' presence.

"This isn't the way we came in," Nation protested, as they scaled a tall fence as quickly as possible. They landed in a wide, grassy field and looked around, trying to gain their bearings.

"Does it really matter?" Hermione hissed.

"Oh, Zebras," Remus muttered, and they realised they had landed inside one of the animal's cages. The flock of black and white stripped animals were the only ones so far that didn't shy away from Remus. In fact, they moved hesitantly closer and Remus smiled in encouragement.

Hermione grabbed his arm and began to drag. "Come on!" The group ran, conscious of the fact that several guards and zookeepers were pursuing them now. Eventually, after running what seemed like several kilometers, they reached a high concrete wall. Remus and Hermione apparated to the top of the wall and used their magic to lift Ginny and Nation over. Finally, they were back outside, in a vast parking lot.

Hermione made her way back to the main street, not really caring whether the others followed or not. "I have a tiny amount of Muggle money," She told them. "We are going to take a cab to Diagon Alley and drop Nation off and then the rest of us are going back to my house and staying there, come hell or high water, until the wedding tomorrow. Understood?"

The others nodded mutely.

*~*~*~*

Things had finally settled down a bit at Mick's. Dean had begun to sober up and had gathered his clothes and hidden in the bathroom. The rest of the bachelor part was in the main gambling room, in which the crowd had thinned out a bit. Which was exactly when the new wave of partygoers entered.

This gang was much different from the rowdy gamblers who had come before. Most of them were wearing sunglasses, despite the dark, and all black leather clothing. A hush fell over the party when they came in and warm smiles and appraising glances were cast in their direction.

"Who're they?" Draco asked of David.

"That's Mick's gang. Mick's a singer too, and most of our friends are the theatre, film industry type," David explained. He pointed to a thin blonde wearing a tight black suit and leather duster, talking rapidly into her cell phone and puffing madly on her cigarette. "That's Mercedes, big time producer and the two men behind her are Walter Davies and Jon PiDego. They are casting directors, always on the lookout for the fresh new face. The rest are directors and writers. Stay away from the writers…you can tell who they are by the ink stains on their fingertips. They've never heard of computers, I fear."

Draco and the others tried to process the myriad of information as best as possible and set about studying the hands of each new person, wondering why they mustn't get near the writers. They didn't seem too bad. Mick made his way over to the group and grabbed David in a bear hug and placed a kiss on his lips.

"Mick, I'd like to introduce you to some rather interesting people I've met this evening. Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter, Severus Snape," He went down the line, indicating each in turn and Mick enthusiastically shook hands with each. "They're wizards," David added.

"Really? It has been a while since we've had some of those. Speaking of which, have you seen Lavender? She was supposed to meet me at Harley Quinine, but never showed," Mick complained.

"Oh, she was here, but Harry scared her off," David said with a grin. "Besides, what you see in that air head is beyond me. I've got someone much more to your standards…Percy!"

Percy sauntered over to the group, Seamus still wrapped around him. Percy was looking as if he owned the world, or at least all the money in the room, which he pretty much did. "Percy Weasley, I'd like you to meet Mick Jagger. Now, you two run along and have fun." David pushed them towards the terrace and caught Seamus by the arm, preventing him from following.

Seamus let out a sound of protest and struggled against the restraint. "I found him!"

"Yes, Seamus, and now it is time to let him go," David said airily. Seamus snorted, and then his eyes fell on the bathroom door, which had just swung open to reveal a newly dressed Dean. A wicked light took up residence behind Seamus' blue eyes.

"Dean…"

*~*~*~*

"Wow, Hermione!" Ginny said with a whistle as they were let into Hermione's home.

"Yeah, it was a graduation present from my parents," Hermione explained. It was a four story home, but rather narrow, as were all the houses on the street. The first floor was a kitchen and dining area, the second floor a spacious sitting room and the other two floors bedrooms and bathrooms.

"I tried to tell them I'd be living in Hogsmeade, but they insisted that this place would come in handy." She shrugged, "Guess they were right. Come on, it's fully furnished. You can each have a spare room."

Hermione showed them to the respective rooms and gave to Remus some of Ron's nightclothes and Ginny her own. She left them to get ready for bed while she made tea. Ginny came running down the stairs, her silky, nearly transparent nightgown fluttering after her. "I think there's a party going on next door."

"Yeah," Remus agreed, "The walls are paper thin, I can hear the music right through."

"Oh," Hermione gave a dismissive wave. "That's Mick's place."

"Mick?"

"Jagger," Hermione completed. "He's a Muggle rock star. There's a party there pretty much every night. Anyway, Mick is really nice. I'll just run next door and ask him to tune it down." Hermione slid open her patio doors and stepped outside, closing it behind her. She crossed the tiny lawn to the where a low fence separated her land from Mick's.

"Oi, Mick, it's 'Mione!" Hermione called over the gate. "I'm coming in."

"Right, dear!" Mick shouted back. "Do just that. There are some people here I'd love you to meet. They are of the magical persuasion, much like yourself."

Hermione smiled and shook her head, entering the lawn, noting the mess surrounding the fountain and deck area. She had always wondered how Mick and his friends knew about magic, yet were neither wizards nor from wizarding families. Often times she had run into Lavender and Parvati in the back yard during parties and they had never explained how they had come to know Mick. However, Hermione was fairly certain that those two were the ones who had told Mick what Hermione was. Not that it mattered; Mick acted as though magic was nothing unusual.

"Mione, this is--"

"Percy?" Hermione gasped, getting her first good look at Mick's companion. "Is Ron here, too?" She asked desperately.

"Inside. Everyone's inside, except Lupin and Ginny. Don't know what ever happened to them," Percy told her.

"They're next door, in my house."

"You live next door?" Percy asked suddenly, thinking at how close they had been all along, "Imagine that."

Hermione rushed inside and found Ron right off, throwing herself into his arms and smothering him with kisses. "Ron, you moron, why didn't you come to my house?"

"What do you mean?" Ron asked, perplexed, wondering where Hermione had suddenly come from.

"My house. Right next door. You know, the one we practically live in while we're in London?" Hermione prompted.

"That's next door?" Ron queried. "I get all turned around in Muggle London, Hermione, sorry."

Hermione shook her head "no." "It doesn't matter, just come home with me," She said, tugging him to his feet. "The rest of you, too. Whenever you like. There's plenty of room and I don't think, with the drinking you have all been doing tonight, that it is wise to Apparate."

"Is Ginny over there, then?" Draco asked, gesturing to Hermione's house.

"And Remus," She replied, directing that comment to Sirius, who, along with Draco, took off next door without another word.

"Come on, Sev," Harry tugged on his fiancé's robe, pulling towards the door. "Let's claim one of the beds before they're all gone."

"Someone wake us up before the wedding. I'd rather like not to miss it," Severus said.

"We'll wake ya," Fred assured him.

"Yeah, I'll be like, 'get up or I'll throw a shoe at you!' And if you don't get up, I'll throw a shoe at you," George offered and Fred nodded eagerly in agreement.

*~*~*~*

Mona was the head writer, and her fingers were the most inked of all. She had somehow been forced into a conversation by George and Fred, despite the warnings given by Mick and David. After having discussed with the twins the events of the evening, Mona had gathered her gang of writers in the kitchen for quite a while, coming out just as Severus and Harry had left.

"I've got an idea," Mona announced to the film group. Most of them groaned, but Cameron, one of the directors, and Mercedes looked intrigued.

"We've come up with a bit of a script, with that greasy wizard in mind," Mona explained. "And Iman. I'm sure Jon and Walter can get the rest of the cast from the house next door." Mona passed her scribbled notes to Cameron, who read them along with Mercedes.

"Brilliant," Cameron enthused. "Next door we go, then." She and the rest of the industry people left Mick's house, heading toward Hermione's and the bachelor party figured they might as well follow."

"We're going to do a Quickie, boys and girls!" Mercedes called, entering Hermione's kitchen without knocking.

"Excuse me?" Hermione demanded, wondering where all the Muggles had come from, what they were doing in her home and whom they wanted to have a 'Quickie' with.

"Short film, dear," Mick explained patiently.

"What did you think I meant?" Mercedes asked slyly.

"Never mind," Hermione muttered, flushing bright red.

"Now, where is that lovely red-headed girl? Ginny?" David asked, "She could be the star," He told Cameron.

"And we need Severus, too," Jon said. "He's got nice sex appeal."

"Yes, and he had lovely chemistry with Mione," Mick pointed out. At that comment, Mercedes caught Hermione by the arm and dragged her over for inspection by the writers, who hummed their approval.

"I am not doing whatever it is you want me to do," Severus protested.

"Oh," Jon pinned him with a glare, "Yes you are."

Mona snapped her fingers at the one casually dressed woman in the group, " Jodie, take Severus here somewhere and wash his hair. And give him a tan. And I want that body of his shown off…no shirt, I think." Severus was dragged off, still protesting and Harry watched bemusedly.

"Someone run over to Mick's and get the camera crew. I think they're all passed out in the basement. Tell them to get their equipment and get their arses over here," Cameron ordered.

Walter had gone searching for, and found, Ginny, who was yawning and rubbing sleep from her eyes. "Beautiful," Jon gasped, then shouted, "Carl! Take Ginny and Mione upstairs and get them in makeup. I want Ginny to be the romantic beauty. Mione should be made blonde…very mysterious and intriguing…dark eyes, definitely."

"My wife is at Mick's. Did you want her?" David asked.

Jon nodded absently. The writers were huddled in the corner, muttering back and forth to each other, occasionally shouting "Eureka!" and generally looking very paranoid and shifty. The head writer, Mona shuffled over to Mercedes and whispered something into her ear before creeping back to the group of her colleagues.

"Anyone know if Alan is in town?" Walter asked, looking around for his answer. "He looks quite a bit like Severus…close enough to play his brother."

"I'll go over to Langham. He's staying at the Hilton. I'll bring him back," Leena assured. "He owes me a favour." Sirius wanted to know what the muggle actor could have possibly done to be indebted to the stripper, but before he could ask, Leena had disapparated.

"Mona, be a dear and take the scripts to the actors," Cameron directed. "Alright, wizards, who wants to help with the set design?" Ron eagerly volunteered, as did the twins. "Bring your wands and follow James."

Iman, sent from her husband, chose that moment to enter, moving gracefully despite the bulk of her stomach. She looked ravishing, her thick honey brown hair hanging strait down her back and her almond eyes narrowing on Harry. "I've heard you had the famous Harry Potter here," She said pleasantly enough. "I though you would be taller." Harry scowled in her direction, but she gave his a bright smile in return, making her all the prettier.

"Iman, whenever are you going to have that child?" Mercedes teased.

"Oh, in another year or two, I imagine," Iman replied with a smile.

"You can find Jodie, she'll get you in costume and introduce you to the others," Mercedes told her, gesturing towards the stairs. With a wink at Harry, Iman left for the upper floors, supporting the small of her back with her hands.

"What exactly is this movie about?" Harry asked of Cameron.

"Oh, a delightful tale, for sure," Cameron answered. "Now Ginny shall be married to Severus and Hermione to Alan. But you see, Hermione and Severus are having an affair, and so are Ginny and Alan."

"So where does Iman come in?"

"Oh, she's been having an affair with both Alan and Severus and she doesn't know which is the father of her unborn child," Mercedes explained. "Terribly entertaining, wouldn't you say?"

"Terribly," Harry agreed, hiding a smile behind his hand.

"I've got Alan!" Leena cheered, coming through the front door and dragging a man behind her.

To say that Alan looked quite a bit like Severus was a gross understatement on Walter's part, as Harry wouldn't have been able to tell the one apart from the other, had it not been for Alan's short hair. "This had better be good," Alan warned, and Harry noted that his voice was the same as Snape's, too. "It is four-thirty in the morning and not all of us live like bloody vampires."

"There, there," Mercedes placated, patting Alan's cheek. "Go up and meet your twin. Jodie's doing make-up for you."

Ron and the twins came running into the kitchen. "You should see what we've done to the place, Harry," Ron cheered. "It's brilliant."

Harry allowed himself to be dragged upstairs to the second floor, which had been completely transformed. There were plants everywhere, mostly tropical and very colourful and every bit of furniture was made of white wicker. "Nice bit of transfiguration."

"I certainly hope you plan on putting it all back as you found it," Hermione drawled, as she and Ginny descended the staircase. All the men were at a loss for words. Ginny always looked exceptionally beautiful, with her red-golden hair, amber eyes and pale, freckled skin. She was sheathed in a green halter-top and flowing skirt that showed of her tiny waist and ample chest.

Hermione, however, was the real surprise. Her hair had been made platinum blonde and was cut to her chin in a sharp, strait angel. Her make-up was dark and dramatic and made her eyes leap out. And never had anyone seen her dressed as she was now. Her jeans were so tight one could see the outline of her muscle and the skin-tight violet shirt she wore was cut with a deep v-neck line several inches beneath her breasts.

But before any comment could be made, Iman and Severus made their ways down as well. Iman didn't look any different than before, having already appeared radiant. She now wore a golden gown that showcased her stomach nicely. Severus, on the other hand, couldn't have looked more different. His hair had been cleaned, as ordered and glistened in waves over his bare and nicely tanned shoulders. He wore tight leather pants and nothing else. And in his hand was gripped the script.

"I refuse to say these lines and I will not kiss Hermione, nor Miss Weasley, nor Iman!" Severus told them all, very close to losing his cool.

Ginny's eyes dulled, "Please Professor! It would mean so much to me. I've always wanted to act."

"What harm could it do, Severus?" Dumbledore asked, enjoying the situation far too much, Severus thought.

"I for one don't think he's up to it," Harry said. "Severus isn't much of an actor."

"Harry," Severus said calmly, "I know you all too well and you will not trick me into performing this aberrance of theatre."

Harry shrugged and slid his arm over Snape's bare chest and around his neck. "For me?"

Severus sighed and pulled away. "Where're the bloody cameras. I'd like to get this over with as quickly as possible." Harry reached for him again and pulled Severus into a deep kiss.

The camera crew was moved into place, hot lights flooded the room. Cameron took Severus in one hand and Hermione in the other and hauled them over to the wicker loveseat. She threw Hermione down and Severus on top, then wrapped Hermione's leg around his waist. "Perfect. Now, start kissing and keep going after I say action. Then you can start with your lines. And I want passion, understand?"

"Passion?" Hermione squeaked. Severus gave Harry a look that could kill.

"Sorry, Hermione," Severus muttered, then closed his mouth over hers before she could protest. She stiffened in his arms and shrank back against the wicker, but he pursued her and she relented. Her arms wound around his neck, her leg tightened around his waist and she returned the kiss, thinking that Ron could use a lesson or two from Severus in how to kiss. Somewhere in the distance she heard the word "Action."

Severus tried to pull away, but Hermione wouldn't allow it, deepening the kiss and letting her hands wander over his shoulders. Finally, she let him go, panting heavily. "You see, Leo, I love only you!"

Severus turned away from her and stared blankly out the window. "And Jonathan?"

"He means nothing to me," Hermione said sincerely, throwing herself in his arms. Severus scanned her face and finally relented, kissing her again.

"Leo?" The word was barely a whisper from Ginny, who had entered the room and was watching her "husband" kiss his lover. "Leo?" She was close to tears, shaking with barely concealed rage and hurt.

"Oh," Hermione smiled at the redhead over her shoulder, and evil grin, "Hello dear. Leo and I were just…talking. We can finish later." She purred, running her hand over Severus' cheek. As she headed out of the room, Alan entered and she shared a secret look with him, her fingers skimming over Alan's stomach.

"Laura, whatever is the matter?" Iman asked, placing a comforting arm around the younger girl's shoulders. Ginny didn't respond though, rather she collapsed into a pile on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. Iman and Alan shared a look and shrugged.

"Well, while she's indisposed, there is another matter we have to discuss," Iman informed them coldly, crossing her arms over her distended belly. Alan and Severus both gazed at her in apprehension, knowing what would come next. "As I have no clue yet whom this child will call father, there is no way I can hold either of you--"

"You as well?" Ginny interrupted, her voice rising in pitch and volume, her eyes narrowing on Iman.

"Oh, get over yourself, dear," Iman said impatiently, waving her hand dismissively towards Ginny.

"Cut!" Cameron shouted and the bright lights went out, leaving the room in relative dark. Iman relaxed into the sofa, Alan tiredly sank into the high-backed chair. "You all have such lovely chemistry, I simply can't let this be a Quickie," She explained. "I'm going to head over to the studio next week and discuss a full-length and I'll get back with you all. Alan, you have nothing planned at the moment?"

"Just finishing up with Blow Dry and my agent has a few American television slots lined up. I'm sure I could find time for you, though."

"Smashing," Cameron concluded. "Delicious. You're all free then."

"So, we're done?" Severus asked.

Cameron's eyes twinkled as she said, "For now."

"Thank god!" Severus took Harry by the wrist and dragged him up the stairs.

"Little Ginny, I'm going to make you the best role in the world…women everywhere will be admiring you and men will be drooling over you," Cameron told her.

"But, I'm a witch," Ginny protested, "We don't really act in movies."

Cameron pulled Ginny close. "It doesn't matter dear…the Muggles watching the movie aren't going to know what you are. You'll be famous and you can still use your magic off-screen. Don't fight me, dear. You'll be better off." Ginny nodded dumbly.

Across the room, Hermione and Ron were having a heated debate. "I can't believe you'd want to kiss him like that! You're my girl!"

"Oh, don't be so stupid and possessive. It was a kiss, Ron, only that. And a good one too."

Ron sputtered indignantly, "I don't ever want to speak to you again!"

"Oh yeah, me either," Hermione retorted, placing her hands on her hips and spinning to face away from him.

"So, I'll meet you upstairs in a minute?" Ron asked as she headed her way to bed.

"Sure, Sweetie, I'll be waiting," She agreed, blowing him a kiss.