11/3/2001
Adults F’N Only
GCW Dojo
Before we, well, I begin (your lazy ass aint typing anything), I just want to get something off my chest. Other sites have been forced to use phrases such as “comments not suitable for this page” or something like that. Here at the Ego Busters, we could care less. We don’t mind quoting Nikki cause frankly, its funny as hell. So, in the interests of those under the age of 16 who do not suffer from multiple personalities and were unable to sneak in 20 minutes after the show started, we bring it.
MsChif vs. Johnny Greenpeace –
I was worried ‘Peace was getting his recently hardcore hands on MsCuzn and unpretty her. Then I thought, nah, he’ll take it easy on her cause she’s a girl. This assumption was wrong. Johnny did not save her. And, for that matter, she didn’t save him either. These two kicked each other’s asses. Pretty simply, ‘Peace beat her all over the ring, but before I could defend her, she returned the favor, even earning the upset over walking contradiction, YOUR hardcore hippy Greenpeace. MsChif is really beginning not to suck (and that, for those who don’t know and could misconstrue, a compliment in ego lingo, by the way) and considering her friendship with Delirious, could be a damn mean team. But she still has a crush on me. Snoogans.
YOUR Winner – Wednesday Adams
Old School Warriors (w/ that piece of trash Coach) vs. Jack Attack (a.k.a. Ratboy) and FreaKast
I s’pose it depends on who ya ask, but from the only section that matters (the ego only sitting area, stupid. Do I really have to point that out?), this match easily had the most heel heat not only of the night, but in months. Coach (who totally sucks ass) was cutting mean old school promos all night. He kicked it all off trying to speak something in the ring, but it went muffled and missed amongst the sea of we-don’t-like-you-ness. Like it mattered. For you who couldn’t hear over the boos (translation: everyone), I have the early release of the transcript.
Coach said something to the extent of
“God, I suck so bad, I should jump off a bridge. Yeah, not only do I LOVE making out with Keith Smith, but I’m a back stabbin’, turn coatin’, leave-your-boy-when-he-needs you, not worth the dirt I walk on, ego-less big dumb ol’ excuse for a coach. And I like boys and Cousin Jimmy totally rules and I totally suck, and I’m really the one who offered the five dollars but don’t tell anybody. And I suck.”
As for the match, yeah, the OSW won. But they suck too. A bunch. Chaz showed no signs of brain damage after his swan dive to the tile floor at Aggies the other night (but then again, you’d have to have a BRAIN to get BRAIN DAMAGE, ooohhhhhhhhhhhhh). And with the double vision that injury must have occurred, he had to look at multiple FagKast’s in the ring, and that’s not a good thing, that’s a bad thing. The real highlight of the match came when Coach, dern near on the verge of an aneurysm, came over just a screamin and a beltin out dem lines on the fans. He was as pissed as anyone’s ever seen, and coulda seriously intimidated us, until he stumbled over the ring stairs. God it was great. Keep tryin' there Coach. After the match, I don’t know about all hell, but Keith decided it best to bust loose his ass; mooning sisterKast and the crowd in general. No official word yet on if anyone’s sued over permanent mental damage and emotional suffering the likes of which have never been felt.
YOUR Winners – The No Skill Warriors
YOUR Losers – Anyone with front row seats on that side of the arena for Keith’s show. Totally sorry bout their luck.
Sam Bacardi vs. The Ultra Ninja
Lets see here, under Coach (who’s a total towel)’s guidance, who was the one person Sam was unable to beat? Oh yeah, the Ninja. Now that Sam is free of that tumor, look what happens. The crowd didn’t get the significance of Sam finally scoring a win over the pride of the Shadows (which, in case you didn’t know, is just a few miles down the road “Anywhere He wants to be” and a little south of “Every Woman’s Fantasy”). Sam beat the second biggest and the best of the Ninjas. So now, the only person between Sam and gold would be the Mecca of ninja, the EGO Ninja (and if you don’t know who this ninja then you haven’t explored this site to the fullest. You geek). And Coach sucks.
YOUR Winner – The Whole Drunken’ Indy Show Sam Bacardi
Cabana Fantastic vs. YOUR Head Official Sean Vincent
Peculiar Missouri can turn out some impressive damn wrestlers. Sadly, Cabana was suffering from deep depression. How do I know you ask? Good question. I’ll tell you because, unlike that no-good Coach, I do not suck. I say Cabana was depressed cause if you saw him try to take his own life with the stuff he did outside the ring you’d be drawn to the same conclusion. Note to Cabana – if you wanna wrestle for a while (or walk, for that matter), ya might wanna reconsider the move where you CHAZ headfirst into the concrete (which was both cold, and hard). You, the reader (you silly goose you), might notice I refrained from calling Mr. Vincent that pet name. You again ask why. Damn you ask a lot of questions. But Mr. Head Official, although dropped on his damn head friggin stiff, hard, and meanly over a chair, twice, he overcame. This radical ref phantastically slapped Cavana across his face with a chair. But this does not explain the new respect he is being shown. Chill, I’m getting to that, ‘aight? Unable to defeat the bomb blonder (that’s a joke son) with JUST the power of the Syndicate, Mr. Vincent looked ringside and outstretched a hand. Cousin Jimmy (who’s sooooo cute) hands YOUR ultimate umpire an unfake Playstation. The crowd was confused – why? Mr. Vincent then swung that gaming system at Fantastic’s face like the Babe. Mr. Vincent scored a home run, a win, and proved to YOU fans why HE wears the striped shirt. Unanswered questions abound, though. Is Vincent an Ego Buster? Has Cousin Jimmy turned Syndicate? Are these two factions incahoots? Where the hell was the Grip man? Guess YOU”RE just gonna havta tune in tomorrow brah.
YOUR Winner - Shawon Vincent
Delirious vs. Mike Sharona vs. Dingo vs. Matt
Yeah, it sucks to be the only babyface in a match like this. Before the contest, Matt even cut a hardcore promo, even using phrases like “darn it” (note to Christine – if youre still out there, see what has happened in your absence? Look what Matt has become, in this age without a Coach to keep us morally motivated, we need someone from the house next door to save what little goodness is left). Some posters and some reporters are saying this was one of the best matches ever. One of. Fuck that. One of nothin, since I started coming to GCW shows last April, I have seen many many unbelievable matches, but I can say that, in my opinion, this was the best GCW match I have seen to date. Not to besmirch or belittle any other match, but good lord was this impressive. Right from the get go, after all three ungood guys stomped Matt old nWo style, things got ugly. And I don’t mean Keith flashed again. This was one of those deals where no matter who you were watching, you were missing something. In the ring Matt and Delirious did what I feel, replaced their match with respective tag partners at Wrestlefest II as the best chain wrestling I’ve seen live. Then, if you for some reason looked away, ya discovered Sharona and Dingo seeing who was more likely to end up in prison for the bodily damage they did to the other outside the ring. This match also saw Matt jump to the outside not from the top turnbuckle, which woulda been quite impressive, but instead JUMPED FROM THE DAMN BALCONY OF THE DOJO. Typo? No. You Jo. Matt went the upper deck of the GCW TV place (a.k.a. dojo, a.k.a. training facility, a.k.a. the house the ego busters built) and splashed his way down to those below. Mike Sharona, when came out, said to Crippler and I (like that sweet grammar, bitch?) that we was the whole f’n indy show. I said prove it. He did not; because, to limit that moniker to “indy” would be to insinuate that there could be those who are above him, perhaps in a non-indy-role. The evidence came from Dingo’s face. Matt was Military pressed not onto the concrete dojo floor, but onto the front row of fans. We caught him, and thus saved him a trip to the ER. Dingo was unhappy with Matt not dying, so he came over to see what he could do about that. It was only then when we saw the full effects of Sharona upon the mica of Mel borne. Dingo didn’t look like a light heavyweight champion, a wrestler, or even a person. Dingo looked like a victim of an atrocity. As Matt lay there, spent and barely conscience, Dingo crouched over him, face red with sticky blood, flowing freely from the gashes in his forehead and dripping into puddles of humanity onto the floor, and Matt’s face. Apparently snapped, Dingo looked down and screamed like a madman. Nightmares are made of this kind of image. This was a scene which I have never seen before; the kind that makes your soul cold and makes you wonder if this is evidence against the existence of a kind God. Through all of this, Delirious emerged not so much the winner, but the survivor. Looking over the past week or so, Delirious has beaten Outtkast and Deno Blade at Aggies, Ryan Ash, Outtkast, and Matt at North Co. Tech, and Mike Sharona, Dingo, and Matt at Adults F’N Only. This I believe firmly establishes him at the most dominant force in the division; possibly the federation. All in all – this match was porn for wrestling fans.
YOUR Winner – Delirious
Nikki Strychnine (with Ratboy and FreaKast) vs. YOUR Heartthrob Jack Adonis (with that debutante Sugar)
We told ya we weren’t gonna save ya from language, but Nikki cut an uncanny promo, and children do read these reports – so, for their sake, I wont talk about the fact that Nikki dropped lines involving “those thousands of dead Jews in New York,” and we ESPCIALLY wont even hint at Nikki’s joke: “what do you get when you stab a baby” or the equally hell-worthy response of “an erection.” I guess I shouldn’t talk about the giant wooden cross he carried to the ring either. But I can say that DorKast sucks at the “O” game, losing 2 – 0. After Nikki’s tirade, Adonis comes out to regulate. He verbally slaps a red-headed tokemon and tells Nikki he’s gonna “cut his fucking cock off.” He should be fired for that. Sugar gains attention when she provocatively sashays into he spotlight in a trench coat. She strips off the coat and revels………. A long sleeve shirt and pants. God that’s good stuff. Contrary to popular belief, this match was scientific. I mean, any two schmoes could have a battle with 62 ball shots. But how many schmoes could have with 62 ball shots, and make it both innovative and entertaining? Apparently two. If you don’t see the sheer poetic brilliance that comes from beating someone’s testicles with a wooden cross, then you suck. Nikki won, and he’s the champ, but he’s most likely going to hell for it. Hope hell’s ready.
YOUR Winner – Nikki Strychnine (but not GayKast, who lost to the Ego Busters. Ha.)
D’Mon G vs. Balls Mahoney
Not in a log, long time have I marked out harder. Not for Balls. As if. D’Mon G let his ego show in grand fashion. This, to settle for the easiest and most overused term in pro wrestling today, was a bloodbath. Balls fronted like he wanted a real wrestling match. No dragoncanranas (my spelling? Excuse it) here. Mahoney got the gore going with a pair of scissors. One of the sickest things I’ve watched came when balls displayed how unfake wrestling is – by running, plowing his skissors across D’Mon’s forehead, literally cutting him open in front of our eyes like he was cleaning a rainbow trout. Not to be outdone, D’Mon found him a toy, a pizza cutter. He dug it into Balls’ skull, opening up Stully’s boy. I’m pretty sure there’s a warning on the package that says youre not supposed to do that kinda thing. When the match went outside the ring, Balls decided to not borrow, not politely ask for, but blatantly steal who’s soda? MY soda. Of all the dumb marks in the crowd, he takes mine. Then he splashes the Ego Busters with a Diet Dr. Pepper. So this dude owes me a buck fifty, and he better come correct and pay up, cause you don’t want your EGO foreclosed upon. D’Mon, to quote the man from Murderville himself, looked like “chocolate ice crème covered in Hershey’s syrup.” If that don’t get the ol’ belly growlin’. Balls won, but D’Mon G clearly was the badass here. He don’t need his arm raised. According to THIS site, HE won so there.
YOUR (not OUR) Winner – Balls Mahungry
Billy McNeil and Ryan Ash vs. Nova and Kid Kash
I expect youre gonna hear stuff like “man, you shoulda seen Operation Shamrock (formerly Sex Charms, and Rock n Roll) – they hung right with Nova and Kash!” When you do hear someone say that, punch them in the arm, cause they don’t know what they’re talking about. Nova and Kid Kash hung with Billy and Ash. Ash and Kash (totally sweet rhyme) got it going with a flurry of reversals and locks and holds and reversals. Billy and Nova were next to face off, and if you don’t salivate at the thought of the Innovator of Offense, and possibly the best technical indy wrestler out there about to go at it with the pride of GCW and the only leprechaun with Ego, then you’re a Coach (ooooohhhhhh). It may appear that Nova beat Billy like a rented mule, but you are wrong. Technically, and to any real wrestling fan out there, this was one long highlight reel. Even Pondu..er….. Pumpernickel got into the fray, getting hurt on by Nova. Did Gordy go dead, unable to stand up the BWO’er? Hardly. He took a moment to collect and poise himself, then returned to do his job. If that aint a pro then I don’t know what is. But I digress. In a tag match youre more than likely to see on an upcoming Monday night (not a figure of speech), Kash and Nova walked away winners. It was awe-inspiring, and ego inflating to see our boys make these two wrestling legends look good at “the poor man’s house of hardcore” (-nova, before the show). After the match Billy kicked Pumpernickel in the face and it was funny as hell.
YOUR Winners – Kid Kash and Nova
Big Bad Ben vs. The Human Wrecking Ball Pete Madden
There was some hella ‘spodin’ a goin’ on. Pete Madden showed why he was GCW’s golden boy (meaning he was the champ. C’mon, hop off the short bus and think). Someone told me that he hasn’t wrestled in a while. I look at the match and say bullcrap. Ben musta found a quarter and bought him some talent, cause he even had a few moves to share with the rest of the class. This match culminated with Ben, obviously under the influence of some kind of mind-altering substance, thought he was Matt or something. He executed the second ever, 300 plus pound Van Benanator. That is a Van Terminator executed by someone who puts all you can eat buffets into bankrupsy. If you don’t know what a Van Terminator is the get the hell off out site. May I suggest knitting.com. After the match, Ben epitomized what we’re all about: as he left Madden a bloody and beaten pulpy shell of a man, I remarked that it was uncouth. It was. Ben froze, turned around, and stared. You could literally see the wheels turning in his cro-magnon brain through his sloping forehead as he tried to figure out if he was just insulted or complimented. You know when Delirious gets lost in wonder at the sight of cameras? Add 700 pounds, subtract the talent, and sprinkle in a dash if inferiority-driven rage toward YOUR favorite cousin, and youre there. He was saved, though, as the bell meant the end of the match, but not the end of the violence. Nikki Strychnine came out, understanderably pissed. Ya see, Nikki beat Madden in a loser leaves town match a while back. Madden lost, yet here he is in town. Nikki come out and makes a great point. Actually, he makes a couple a’ hundred points – when he dumped a bag fulla thumb tacks and imbedded em into what was left of Madden’s face. Anyone else would have either passed out from pain or screamed in terror. Pete Madden was inspired by the near death experience to cut a promo. The Returning Wrecking Ball told all who would listen to book the match – he wants Nikki. Gateway Championship Wrestling just got a bunch more cooler.
