There were these three old ladies, Lucy, Sara, and Katherine, that lived in a house together, and they tended to forget things, such as old people sometimes do. Now one day Lucy went upstairs to go take a warm bath, but halfway up the stairs she stopped and couldn’t remember whether she was going up the stairs or down the stairs. She called to her friend Sara to come and tell her whether she was going up the stairs or down the stairs. When Sara got up to where Lucy was she stopped and couldn’t remember whether she was going up the stairs or down the stairs. So Sara called to her friend Katherine to come and tell her whether she was going up the stairs or down the stairs. When Katherine got to where her two friends were standing she said, “Well, at least I’m not as bad as you two. I can remember whether I’m going up the stairs or down the stairs, knock on wood. Was that the front door or the back door?”
“Alright now,” said the zookeeper to the three boys. “I want you each to tell me your names and exactly what you were doing.” The first boy said, “My name is Michael, and I was trying to feed Peanuts to the lion.” The second boy said, “My name is Justin, and I was trying to feed Peanuts to the lion.” The third boy said, “My name is Peanuts.”
The local restaurant was so sure that its host was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The host would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, then hand the lemon to the patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
Then one day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter died down, the host said, “Okay,” grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the host paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
Only in America do we use the word politics to describe the process so well: “Poli” in latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking creatures.”
Only in America do we leave the doors to banks unlocked and the pens chained to the counters.
A guy wins the lottery and runs home. Upon entering the door he yells to his girlfriend,
“Pack your bags NOW baby; I just won the lottery!”
She responds, “Great, should I pack for the beach or mountains?”
He tells her, “I don’t give a damn, just get the hell out!”
Q: What happened to the shipwrecked survivors of the red ship and the blue ship?
A: They were marooned.
Q: What happened to the two silkworms that had a race?
A: They ended in a tie.
Q: What did one cloned sheep say to the other cloned sheep?
A: I am ewe.
A blond and a brunette were sitting watching the 10:00 news, on which a man was going to jump off a building to commit suicide. The brunette says to the blond, “I bet you 5 dollars that that man is going to jump.”
“Okay, you’re on,” says the blond.
And sure enough, a few minutes late the man jumps. The brunette says, “I can’t take your money. I watched the 5:00 news and saw the man jump then.”
“No, you have to take it,” says the blond. “I watched the 5:00 news, too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
On to Bay 02
Back to the Joke Jumper!
