Three friends die in a car accident. They go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher, which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, ‘LOOK, HE’S MOVING! HE’S ALIVE!’”
Men are always whining about how we women are suffocatng them. Personally, I think if you can hear them whining, you’re not pressing hard enough on the pillow.
PBS Computer Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes and asks for money.
A young man had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father said: “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring up your grades, study your Bible, and get a haircut, and we’ll talk about it.”
A month later, the son asked again about the car. His father said: “Son, I’m proud of you. You’ve brought up your grades and studied your Bible. But you still didn’t get your hair cut!”
The young man replied: “Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, so did Moses and even Jesus.”
His father said, “Yes, and they walked everywhere they went.”
A photographer was assigned to cover a forest fire. He realized the smoke was so thick he couldn’t shoot scenes of the heroic firefighters from the ground. He hired a plane to take photos.
He went to the airport, saw a plane warming up and jumped in.
“Let’s go,” the photographer told the pilot. Within minutes, they were in the air.
The photographer instructed the pilot to make three low passes over the park.
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m a photographer, and I need to take pictures.”
The pilot was silent for a minute. Finally, he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”
Q: Why did the shy pebble cry?
A: He wished he was a little boulder.
The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application.
The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn’t answer the question about the cause of death for his father.
The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged.
The salesman pondered for a moment. “Just write: ‘Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.’ ”
70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?”
George replied, “God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I’m done *poof* the light goes off.”
“Wow!” commented Dr. Smith, “That’s incredible!”
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George’s wife.
“Ethel,” he said, “George is doing fine. Physically he’s great. But, I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?”
Ethel exclaimed, “Oh, my God! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the “men of God,” the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving:
(Brace yourself.)
That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers.
Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. “Who do you want to play?” Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.
“I’ve always been a big fan of Chopin,” said Bruce. “I’ll play him.”
“And you, Sylvester?” asked Spielberg.
“Mozart’s the one for me!” said Sly.
“And what about you?” Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
“I’ll be Bach,” said Arnie.
On to Bay 03
Back to Bay 01
Back to the Joke Jumper!
