9/4/03
What do I think about? You ask this, yes. Well, I will tell you. I think about death mostly. Not mine, of course. That would be ridiculous. But death in general. You find this disturbing? Many people would. Death, however, is always with me. I know this. But He is not all I dwell on. I also think of love, passion, romance, future, destruction, despair, chaos, people, nature, gods, religion, and many, many other things. I wish for something more. I wish for someone to understand me. Do you understand me? Do you think you could?
Who out there has the depth of mind to let themselves believe anything? Who has this clarity of thought? Who amongst the masses can put themselves into any viewpoint and believe with a passion what they see? Is this talent a gift or a curse? This complete empathy? I do not know. But I often find myself in a position where I see too many things at once; feel too many things at once. I am conflicted, and no one seems to understand why.
Right now, I am thinking I would like to go to bed, to sleep. Will I be able to sleep tonight? Will I feel rested in the morning? I don’t know. Too often now my dreams are as reality, and I wake as tired as when I first slept. In trying to close my eyes, I find myself staring at the stars, the moon, the night, and thinking of things of the infinite. My soul cries out to be a part of this darkness, yet I cannot find a way to manage it. I imagine what types of life are out there. I see a star and wonder about what circles it, as we circle our sun. I ask, “Why not?” Why can’t we travel vast distances to unknown places? Because people cannot conceive of this greater plan. No one is willing to risk a journey, or, more likely, the money. Money, money, money. That’s all anyone cares about. Why can’t people see! It’s not money, it’s life. They cannot think beyond their own productive life, or if they do, not further than their children’s lives. It is not within them. We must look beyond ourselves, beyond our limited perspectives, and into the future. Build a ship, provision it to sustain life indefinitely, fill it with people, both men and women, who can eek out their sustenance from on board. They can multiply, teach their children the things they need to know, show them the way, and set them free. And if people would only consider the prospect of cloning, the possibilities are endless. Send them on their way, into the great beyond, the unknown reaches of space, that is. Then we might finally begin to see beyond ourselves. For we can be more, we are more, we simply do not realize it.
I will live forever. I am determined to. And why can’t I? I see you there, staring at me like I am a fool. “Live forever,” you say, “but that is impossible!” Why? Why is it impossible? Because no one has done it for countless years? Even if you do not believe in the things I do, even if you are a Christian, yes, even you, you should know better than that. I was watching a program on television once, that pointed out a very good fact about your Christian Bible. People lived hundreds of years. Many to be several hundred years old. And you disbelieve the Bible? How can you if that is your faith? And why is it people cannot live that long now? Why do we consider ourselves frail and succumb to the forces of Death? I do not understand. I will live forever. I know it. I can feel it. I will not become weak with age until the very end. Death Himself must come for me before I’ll give up this life. I am here, and I will live.
Ah, I mentioned something that disturbed you? I said things that would lead to the deduction that I am not Christian. Indeed, this is true. I do not believe in that God. Why? Because I have not found peace in Him. I do not feel Him in my soul, and I do not feel my soul in Him. This worries some people. Why? Do I automatically became a servant to the Devil? No, because I do not believe in him, either. You are wondering what it is I do believe in then, aren’t you? I will tell you. I believe in Death. I believe in Him as controlling things, a keeper of souls, if you will. If anything, the closest picture I can paint for you would be the old Greek belief of Hades and the Underworld. It is simply where souls go after death, with a light section and a dark section, accordingly. But I believe in more than that. I believe in the existence of reincarnation. How boring life would be if you only got to live it once. And if reincarnation exists, why couldn’t we be born into other races of being on other planets in the universe? How much of a stretch would that be? I also feel all things have a soul, or spirit. The trees, the earth, the river, from the tiniest of insects to the largest of mammals. Everything feels, and everything needs. I respect all life, I could not live myself if I did not. This does not mean extremist action, it simply means appreciating everything, taking nothing for granted. I am one of the Night. I belong in it, I belong to it. If there were not darkness, I do not think I could survive. It is the passion that fills my soul. I am a Child of the Night.
I love you. I thought I would say that now. You recoil from me. Why? Do I frighten you? Or is it the prospect of a Child of the Night saying that they love you? We cannot have feelings? We cannot be human? Do we not also need to be loved, to feel the touch of others? Do our souls not also cry out for companionship and belonging? It is a sad state when the supposed cursed accept and love more people, beings, and entities than the supposed blessed. Do you ever analyze yourself or your thoughts? Maybe you should.
But truly, it is late, not nearly late enough for my pleasure, but the hour is such that if I do not retire to sleep I will be in a horrible state tomorrow. I do not want others’ pain to be caused by me due to a lack of sleep. So good night to all. I will speak more to you later, when my mind and soul next urges me to write. May your dreams excite you and bring you the life you crave. Sai’ah’loo j’ai prai’ah’loo tu’loo ai’lu thay’loo goo’deh~s, mai’kay’loo oh’seh brai’vay’reh thai’neh way’loo ai’ray’loo.
10/5/03
I have been thinking. Or, I should say, a thought has just occurred to me. When I left the glorious and supreme beauty of the rainforest and the Olympics to travel and live in a more populated, flatter ground, maybe the extreme loneliness I felt was not due to leaving behind my life until then. Maybe it was due to leaving behind my soul and all the comforts it felt from the nature around it. There, I was connected to life, to nature, to beauty, and to something more and higher than myself. Here, away from all that, my soul felt lost, unable to bask in the continuous pleasure of the serenity around it, for it was no longer in serenity at all. Every day it became bombarded with people, harsh places, large cities, no longer could it dwell in peace and emptiness. Maybe this is why my depression hit me so hard – my very being was deprived of its life-affirming nurture it had always known.
I really don’t have much else to say at the moment. I just needed to write down that idea before it passed me by. Maybe I’ll elaborate on it more later, then again, it might just be best to let it rest at that. Only my pathways of my thoughts will eventually tell. With that, I bid you good night.
Back to Miscellaneous Writings.
