2/2/04
Hallo –
Why am I writing this? Because. I need to think. What do I need to think about? I don’t know, that’s why I am writing. I… well, I don’t know what I’ve been doing. I’m a mess, school’s a mess, and I’m fighting to keep things together. Where am I going?
What have I been doing? I cannot seem to decide whether I’m here, or I’m not. My body is here, true enough, but every other part of me is somewhere else. Where am I?
My mind happily jaunts off at a moment’s notice to some other place. It does not seem to care for the here and now, which makes studying that much more difficult. What is the point? Study? Why? What am I gaining? It gives me no self-satisfaction. I’m not even interested in the stuff. I just am. Where is my mind? Away. Away from here. Gone on a journey that I don’t know if it will ever fully return from. Here. There. Does it really matter? Where am I?
A heart that is gone. It feels no more here. Only the scattered few pieces that fell broken from it remain in my chest. It, too, has fled. Eloped with my mind to another place. Together they live in union without me. How I ache to join them. Where are they? Away. Far away. Staring at the shards of my once joyful heart, I feel only void, empty. Alone. Where am I?
My soul skittered free a long time ago. I did not know of its plan, but immediately felt its absence once it left. Why have you run? Where have you gone? Have you found my heart? My mind? Live in a menage â trois, yes. I will find you someday. Where are you? Gods, I am so alone.
I struggle against an invisible foe, without mind, or soul, or heart. It is an instinctive battle – body for body’s survival. Don’t tell me there is hope, don’t show me your self-righteous light. Give me back my life, then we will talk.
Darkness twines its twisty fingers through me, reaching in where my heart, mind, and soul once were. It permeates my very being. Moonlight and starlight are my lanterns in the night. Nevermore will I be a walker of day. I live not here. I live nowhere.
People and their pointless trivialities. They worry about such little things. It does not matter. Why do they care? We all are, after all, merely here to live. We are only humans on a cyclic journey. They do not feel the spirits around them. No souls in creation other than their own. How sad. How truly tragic. I am gone from their wheel and seek my way on an erratic current, thrown by the spin of closed human minds. I am not theirs. I am the world’s. Gaia take me home!
Think! Think! No peace to think. Constant chatter, never-ending babble. Can they not live without their noise? Do they not hear the beauty in silence? Peace in darkness. Let me be! Keep civil, public! Allow me rest.
Searching. I am searching. Endlessly, ceaselessly. Searching. Follow me, Armies of Shade! I will find it yet. Never will I fear, and never will I lose. Resignation I know you not. I know where to go, but can I do it? Can I follow the road that leads to… me? My body gropes for that which will fill and give it rest. In the night, where shall I go?
Why am I not afraid? Any “normal” person would be. Then maybe I’m not “normal.” So what if I’m not? I’ve never really fit in anywhere. I’ve never really belonged anywhere. The only place I’ve ever found peace has been in my mind, and now even that’s run away and I’m left kicking at the pieces. There has been one other place, but I can never return to there. There is too much hurt, too much pain. I called it home once. But that was long ago. Maybe I’ll find my heart there. Maybe that is where my soul is off to. Gods know that’s where what’s left of my mind always goes. I am lost, and have not any map to guide me home. Hear your child, Gaia! If not you, then who? Will the strength of man save me? His inconsistencies? His idiocy and hypocrisy? Help me unruly human herd!
But why would I want your help? And could you even be of any use, you people of the mob? You cannot feel as I do, you cannot know. No one knows. I suffer in silence. The tattered flag of my once soul, the broken crystal of my shattered mind, the bloody remains of my dying heart. And still I fight. And still I live.
I am but a wanderer, and always and ever shall be. I am on my way now, in search of that which I have lost, or may have never found. I wish you luck on your own journey, and… And… I… must go…
Goodbye, my friend.
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