(From an IRS letter): “Please provide the date of your death.”
(Parish Magazine): “We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover.”
(Department of Social Services, Greenville, SC): “Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
(Correction Notice in the Ely Standard): “We apologize for the error in last week’s paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce.”
(Warning label on Batman Costume): “Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.”
(Republicans jeering Cleveland.)
(Republican Party, 1884 election):“Ma, Ma, where’s my Pa?”
(Democrats’ reply.)
(Democrat Party, 1884 election): “Going to the White House, ha, ha, ha!”
(Chinese Proverb): “The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.”
(African Proverb): “When elephants fight it is the grass that suffer.”
(From a school play of Ten Little Indians)
Vera Claythorne: “Everything will be alright if you just ‘Have A Drink’!!??”
Philip Lombard: “Fine, stay thirsty!”
(From a school play of Ten Little Indians)
(?): ”We’re stuck on an island! Or had you forgot?”
(pause)
(?): “YES!!”
(From a button on C--'s desk): WARNING: Touching anything on this desk may be harmful to your health.
(From a You Don't Know Jack game)
Dude #1: “Wait a minute, are you guys German spys?”
Group: “Nien!”
(pause)
Dude #2: “We mean, ‘No’.”
(From the Naitonal Review): “The Lord’s Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but goverment regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.”
(Excerpt from CH 123 lab manual): “Bring your clean, dry large test tube to your Teaching Assistant and ask her/him for a sample of an unknown acid. If they are rude and refuse to issue you a sample you will be unable to complete the laboratory so you may go home.”
(Yeas and Nays column from the Daily Barometer): “Nay to mixed metaphors. As evidenced on Monday’s paper and our magnificent headline ‘Seven POWs taste road to freedom.’ Think about it for a second.”
(Yeas and Nays column from the Daily Barometer): “Yea to swivel chairs. They’re so much fun to swivel, and they’re chairs.”
(Yeas and Nays column from the Daily Barometer): “Yea to enchiladas.
Nay to their wrath.”
(Yeas and Nays column from the Daily Barometer): “Nay to freshmen for still walking around like freshmen. Find the damn buildings already!”
(Yeas and Nays column from the Daily Barometer): “Nay to intramurals starting up this week... ahh, nothing rings in fall like watching high school has-beens rip flags off each other. All-state our ass.”
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