Chris: “You wanna yell ‘Freeze’?”
Bill: “Ah, nah, I yelled freeze last time.”
Bill: “Freeze!!”
(Suspect throws garbage can at Bill)
Bill: “Uh, just a hunch, but I don’t think this guy’s gonna go in peacefully.”
Bill: “Freeze!!”
(Suspect keeps going)
Bill: “He’s not freezing!”
Chris: “Try ‘Stop or I’ll shoot’!”
Bill: “Stop or I’ll shoot!”
(Suspect keeps going)
Bill: “No... Anything else?”
Chris: “You say ‘Simon says’? - Watch a pro.”
(Chris opens door and points gun at suspect)
Chris: “Police! You’re under arrest!”
(Suspect stops momentarily)
(Says impressed)
Bill: “Whoa.”
(After Chris falls into garbage truck with spaghetti and suspect)
Bill: “So that’s how a pro does it, huh?”
(Yelling at garbage truck driver)
Bill: “Stop the truck!!”
Garbage Truck Driver: “What?”
Bill: “My partner’s in the back!”
Chris: “Gun fell out of my hand because I happened to be falling out of a window. The witness picked it up, shot the suspect, sue me!!”
Gina: “And I’ve had to promise on my career that nothing would happen to his house; so gentlemen, nothing had better happen to his house.”
Bill: “So no wiping your boogers on the sofa.”
Chris: “Exactly what is it that I’m supposed to have done?”
Maria: “You came home.”
Chris: “I always come home. It’s what I do before I go back to work.”
Captain: “We think you’ll be able to pass for father and son.”
(Chris laughs, then suddenly stops)
Chris: “What, are you kidding me?”
Captain: “Uh-uh.” (Shakes head)
Bill: “Dad?”
Chris: “No way!”
Bill: “Papa!”
Chris: “Alright! Just stop it right now.”
Bill: “Uh, Daddy?”
Chris: “Uh - don’t starts with that crap.”
Bill: “I’m just practicing.”
Chris: “Practice your prayers, pal.”
Bill: “Come on, come on. Just try calling me ‘son’, just once.”
Chris: “Oh, you’re really getting off on this one. The Dad thing. The thing with the dad and the son thing. This is a big, big chuckle for you, right?”
Bill: “We have to be able to talk.”
Chris: “Eat me. How’s that?”
Bill: “Does Maria let you talk to her like that?”
Chris: “I’m my own man. When you’re all grown-up, you’ll understand what that means.”
Chris: “I’m the dad, this is a family car, you’ll have to beg.”
Chris: “Well, maybe this won’t be so bad. We’ve been in worse situations than this before, right? Remember all that stuff with Drooling Harry?”
Bill: “I told you never to mention Drooling Harry again!”
Bill: “Isn’t this great? Our first fight. I feel like a family already.”
Bill: “Well, we could leave the bugging equipment and the recorder.”
Chris: “I s’pose. Course we could write down what they say, I think. Should’ve taken that short-hand course. What about the cameras?”
Bill: “Yeah, leave ‘em. I can draw pretty well. Just need to pick up some paper and some crayons. You know, like the big, thick ones...”
(Playing Rock, Paper, Scissors)
Bill: “You cannot be paper every time!”
Chris: “There’re no rules in Paper, Rock, Scissors!”
Bill: “Yes, there are!”
Chris: “No, there're not!”
Bill: “Yes, there are!”
Chris: “No, there're not!”
(Talking about dog)
Gina: “Don’t make any sudden movements. He’s trained, he’s not that well trained.”
Gina: “. . . I’ve tried to keep it simple”
Bill: “Chris, what’s this word?”
Chris: “The.”
Bill: “Oh! Yeah!”
(Talking to Gina)
Bill: “I have had this mustache for 13 years! How long have you had yours?”
(Bill walks into room carrying Chris)
Gina: “Hey, it’s Stickley! Stickley’s my favorite!”
(Bill and Chris say together)
Bill and Chris: “Stickley’s our favorite!!”
(Bill drops Chris and does Home Alone hands to face thing)
Gina: “And I’m sorry about blanking on your name.”
Chris: “Blanking on my name? ‘Hello, my name is Gina, this is my husband, Duh...”
Bill: “Mom, Dad, please don’t fight in front of me. It’s very upsetting.”
Chris: “What? You think this is funny?”
Bill: “It’s not my dog. This assignment gets blown, it’s not my butt. It’s Archie’s butt.”
Chris: “Good point.”
Bill: “Some sliced vegetables, a side of hummice, a hummicide!”
(Chris points and cocks his gun at Bill)
Bill: “Is it DeLano? No, Bill, it’s not DeLano. It’s Diarrhea.”
Gina: “No, Archie. No, not the bunny, Archie. Archie, leave the bunny!!”
(Dog takes off after bunny, dragging Gina behind)
Gina: “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!”
Frank: “You must be Gina’s father.”
Chris: “Yup! Yup, that’s exactly who I am! By cracky, Pa! Pa Kettle! Oh, unh, unh!”
(Chris falls down)
Chris: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”
Gina: “Daddy, stop it!”
(Gina kicks Chris)
Chris: “Oh, you broke my Depends!”
Gina: “Frank, I would love for you... He’s fine! How about some lemonade?”
Frank: “No, really, I gotta go...”
(Frank keeps making excuses and leaves)
Chris: “Frank? Frank! Frank, don’t go!! No, you can help me eat!”
Pam: “He must’ve started young. Bill’s what? About late 20’s?”
Gina: “32.”
Pam: “32? How old’s Chris?”
Gina: “45.”
(Thinks about that a minute)
Gina: “Did I say 45? I meant 55!”
Chris: “Would you like some Aspirin?”
Brian: “No.”
Chris: “Or some Motrin?”
Brian: “No.”
Chris: “Or Tylenol?”
Brian: “No.”
Chris: “Or Percadin?”
Brian: “No.”
Brian: “They aren’t psychic, but they’re psychotic.”
Gina: “All we’ve got is ice cream sandwiches!”
Chris: “We’ll tell them they’re homemade.”
(Chris and Bill are hollering at Archie not to chase the cat, then giving up)
Chris: “Ah, sic ‘em, Archie!! Eat the cat!”
Bill: “Cops.”
Chris: “Who’s the other one?”
(They look at him a minute, then say together)
Bill and Chris: “Lawyer”
Chris: “This guy’s got a gun. NOT a lawyer!”
(Cops are shooting at Chris and Bill)
Chris: “They think we’re the bad guy’s! Show ‘em your badge.”
Bill: “They’re never gonna believe we’re cops!”
Chris: “Gina’s there, she’ll tell ‘em! Go on! Hold it up!”
Bill: “Wait a minute! Why don’t you show ‘em yours?”
Chris: “You think I’m crazy?”
Bill: “Should we shoot back?”
Chris: “What if we kill ‘em?”
Bill: “What if they kill us??”
Chris: “Good point!”
Seattle Det. Willis: “Bullshit! If they’re cops, what the *hell* are they shooting at us for!?”
Gina: “Because you’re shooting at them!”
Back to *A*.
