Last July I was at the mall with God knows who. For some reason I went towards a book store and walked out with a book that a friend suggested. It was "Survivor" by Chuck Palahniuk, also known as the guy who wrote Fight Club. I read maybe 40 pages of it. I took it with me on a road trip to South Bend and read about 5 pages more when I was there. The major problem was when I got home...I didn't have the bag with my book in it. So my life went on, MEW went on...training, training, training. About a week before MEW's First show in August, I finally get the bag back. Lucky enough, the book was still inside with the bookmarker still on the page I left off on. I knew the book was great and I wanted to "know the story" with it. But as time went on, I pushed it away. I was afraid to devote time to being part of the story. With the pressure of life, wrestling, and just being a teenager I didn't want to give up my "control on life" and let myself be part of this story and this book. I remember trying to get my ex-girlfriend, a few friends, and even my mother to "borrow" it because it was such a "Great Book". It got moved around, lost if you will, in the madness of my house. Two days ago I'm on my way up the stairs to my bedroom. I see a box close to the stairs. Sometimes when I leave junk around in the house, my parents simply put it in a random box and put it by the stairs, I look inside it. I find a empty sketchbook, my last High School Report Card(Dean's List Baby!), and the book. "Survivor" by Chuck Palahniuk was back haunting me again. A book I paid $13 for last July was staring me in the face. I knew it was time. It was time to let loose of my grasp of reality and "become the book". So that night, I opened the book....I found my old place in it and was lost. So I took the bookmarker out and restarted. I read the book and laid in my bed as my eyes read words and my head wondered off into the story that I paid to be apart of. As I got into the book I felt more guilty for reading it than I do at a strip club getting a lap dance because I wasn't paying for a cheap thrill, I was paying for a new reality. A new life. A 289 page journey. That night I read close to a hundred pages and then drifted off to sleep. I was up late enough to finally wake up at 4 in the afternoon today. Life seemed diluted to me. I felt like I was simply floating around so at about 8 PM tonight/last night I read more. I read and read and read. I wasn't "Mikey MiGo" or "Mike Goodpaster"...for those two hours, I was "Tender Branson" the lead character in the book. At about 10, I got out of my bed and went back to civilization. I spoke to people online and for once in probably a year I felt like I REALLY WAS "Mike Goodpaster" so in a extention of "Mike Goodpaster"...I realized who "Mikey MiGo" was in that time too. I spoke with two friends. One friend that I've become close to in my period of lacking myself and one friend who I've not really talked to as much or hung out with since I stopped being myself. I realized that I can't be who I am anymore and I really can't be who I was anymore. I discussed things that interested me before like my always annoying and meaning pursuit to question "God"...to question "Jesus"...to question all of "exsistance." I joke around about it a lot, but honestly inside me...its something I MUST do. My old friend cheered me on in this respect and we traded religious ani-dotes to each other and made each other think. On the other side of my IMs of the night, I spoke with the new closer friend about it and sort of felt out of place. Talking with someone who is strong on their beliefs is hard when all I want to do is question everything and twist things around. I want definite answers and true meaning. I don't want answers from people that simply are questions themselves. I want to KNOW "God"...I want to KNOW "jesus"...I want to EXPERIENCE my OWN "exsistance". Ever since August 18th, 2001...MEW's First show...I haven't had my OWN "exsistance". Wrestling is my life and I love and accept it, but I need more of in depth personal being to keep myself "MY self". I need to develop who *I* am in my own mind before I can go out and by "MY self". "MY self" is a growing process and no one will probably ever get to know who "MY self" is. I don't even know. I would like to quote "Survivor" by Chuck Palahniuk(cheap plug) with this:

"You've never seen a crucifix with a Jesus who wasn't almost naked. You've never seen a fat Jesus. Or a Jesus with body hair. Every crucifix you've ever seen, the Jesus could be shirtless and modeling designer jeans or men's cologne."

That has to offend people who are reading this. But I'm sorry, but I agree with this book. If Jesus was someone we were all supposed to love and he looked like a retard or a grotese person...would we all worship him? Would we all want HIM to be the one to save us? Maybe its the 9 years of brainwashing Catholic School, but maybe...just maybe I see something that others aren't. I'm seeing that in all of God's own perfect ways, he MADE us to be superficial and MADE us to be the assholes we all hate. People always down Judas for turning Jesus in to be martyr-ed, but Jesus wanted to die for us and even predicted he would soon die. Judas was his pawn. Jesus WANTED Judas to turn him in so he infact COULD die for "us". Lets get technical here, A guy that can "walk on water" surely can tell who and when he's going to be crucified. Everyone always relies on the "Torra" of the Bible, also known as The First Five Books of the Old Testament. These are parables. A parable is a STORY. A MAN MADE STORY. Basically, the Old Testament is made up bunch of stories of what "prophets" thought would TEACH US how to live. Jesus didn't write them. God didn't write them. Nor did the "Holy Ghost" or "Holy Spirt", which ever gimmick you give it, write them. It was a guy with a idea. YOU could write a story. I could write a story. Chuck Palahniuk can write a story. It doesn't matter. What makes OUR stories any more valid than the ones in the Old Testament? Words are words and ideas are ideas. "God made us all"...so isn't all words and ideas made "by God" in the first place. COME ON! Open your eyes. You can be Catholic, Baptist, "Christian"(how cheap is that), Lutheran, or whatever you little heart desires...there is a Million of guys like ME who will question EVERYTHING you read. I recall a friend of mine telling someone recently "Don't always believe what you read on the internet"...What IS the internet when you break it down? Just another form of communication. Back when The Old Testament was written the "Internet" was simply writing on scrolls to keep your stories preserved.

In 4000 years, if we don't nuke the planet before then, Some futuristic guy will find a computer and find its contents. Its mystic and spiritual impact will change what we consider today's modern Bible and History will be changed.....AGAIN. The Old Testament will become the Interlude, The New Testament will become the Old, and Guess what...the stories and lives of TODAY will be the "NEW TESTAMENT" in due time. This time around the "Prophets" will be "Steven King" who told stories of Horror to keep us in line, "Danielle Steele" who told stories of lust to hold back our temptations, and a slur of other modern pop writers. Maybe YOU will be a spiritual leader to those in the future, maybe your grandkids. The point is, Well the point is...

Be whoever you feel "YOUR self" is. If you want to be lazy and not let yourself think for "YOUR self" and be part of a organized religion, then by all means, "God Bless You." If you want to explore who YOU are and find your OWN place...feel free "their God" gave YOU "Free will". I'm not one to really follow any major religion and besides Catholosim I don't know a shit load about other religions. I know what I believe and I believe that if there is a God, I thank him/her/it for giving me a chance to prove myself to him and at the same time be "MY self". People should be good to each other, not kill, not steal, not insult. Treat others as YOUR self wants to be treated and the world could be a really decent place. I love my fellow man and I love my fellow woman. I'm not out to change the way people think about themselves, I'm out to change the world they think about THEM selves in....

Which is why I chose my calling of wrestling so early in life. I lay in my bed listening to Nine Inch Nails in the background and focus on what I WANT TO DO. I have NO IDEA. I want to make a HUGE impact in the world. I know deep down inside everyone, EVERYONE wants to make an impact. Its one sure way for Mortality...I accept that I'm going to die someday and I DEMAND that I be known for something when that day comes. I want to be known for something with MEW. I am never fully satisfied with myself of the shows, but smile and am relieved that another show as passed and its only a matter of time before "It" happens. I have no clue what "IT" is...but when I see "IT"...I'll know...and YOU ALL will know. I want to be known for something by EVERYONE when I am long gone. I want to use MEW as MY walking stick as I climb to the top of the world. I am feeling like a cult leader without a cult. I don't want to take over the world or hurt people. I want to do something positive. I want to make an impact on peoples lives that I've never met. Emotions and Personal Acceptance is a must, but I want to have it from everyone. I'm not a popular guy by all means. I don't know if I ever had, do now, or ever will have TRUE friends. I don't even know what TRUE friends are. Its a proven fact that one thing is sure in love. Everything you love will die. I just know that I'm going to do something HUGE with my life and I just need to figure out the roads to take to figure out what it IS I'm going to do and HOW I'm going to do it. If there is a God, I talk to you every night when I reflect and meditate on life. YOU should know how I feel. YOU should know I'm a good person and I don't want to hurt anyone. YOU should accept that I'm going to rebel and forgive me. YOU should be there for me when I fail. But are you? But will you? But can you?

Only Time Will Tell.

Back to the book. "Survivor" by Chuck Palahniuk. The book really let me explore my being and for some reason tore the scab off my mentality. "Was the book THAT good?"...I honestly don't know. I don't know how YOU would feel after reading it. I don't know how much YOU get attached to a story, a new life, a new reality. In a summary its about a guy who leaves his old life only to find himself stuck in the shadows of what haunted him before. In the end, he had to hijack a plane(thats not giving away anything) to understand himself. I basically have been hijacking MY self and finally let the only hostage, Mike Goodpaster...free. I really can't tell you what the moral to the story was or even the moral to this commentary, I can't tell you why I'm exploding from the inside out...I can't. Its just one of those awakenings that everyone needs once in awhile. This books has given my life a jump start and I will probably pass it along to someone who seems like they need it also. It might help them. It might not. But this book is a great read to break it down to the least. It's not a religious book, a book about life...its just a book with a story in it. A story about finding out who someone really is. Through the book...I found "MY self"...or atleast found the next road to take to get to him.

Its close to a quarter after seven and I'm staring at the screen with a heart and head full of rage, happiness, acceptance, and challenge. I want to go on in life and will "MY self" and all.

I love you all.

Sincerely,
Michael Goodpaster