Now what? For awhile my mother tells me she wishes he would just pass away so he'd not suffer anymore. But now that he's gone, I'm sure she'd crying at the hospital wishing he hadn't died. Can I blame her? Do I understand this whole thing? No and No. I was never really that close to him. I know I liked him and I know he liked me. But can I say the word "love"? No. I'm so angry with myself for never allowing myself to love him, but its too late. I never wanted to go to his houses for cook-outs. I never wanted to visit his house. I never visited him ever at the hospital the dozens of times he was there. I am a weak person. I admitt it. I fear fear. Meaning, I'm afraid that I'll see something that I'll be afraid of. Family and friends have all died in my life. I've never gone to a funeral or a wake. I try to even avoid crying. Whats the point? Crying won't bring anyone back. I hear that people like myself will cry when their alone. Why would I do that? It would be silly. No one would see me cry and see that I actually feel something for the situation. I don't even think I DO feel anything. What is there to feel? Its not like he ever came to one of my Art shows, one of my school performances, or even a MEW show. Its not like he ever called me to see how I was doing when I was sick, depressed, or lonely. Its not like he ever really cared about me. But now, I'm supposed to get some weird act going and be upset that he's gone. I feel like he's never really been here in the first place. Atleast for me that is.

And when you break everything down, its always about "ME". No matter who you are...its "ME". MY grandfather died. MY head hurts. I wonder if so and so likes ME. MY grandfather died. IUWA is threatening to kill ME. MY mother is crying at a hospital somewhere. MY dad is downstairs drunk. MY keyboard is sticking. I wonder how much so and so is going to pay ME. I wonder if anyone cares about ME. I hope someone cares about MY dreams. You are talking to ME. You are reading MY commentary. You are feeling sympathy for ME. We all subconciously only care about ourselves. Why? "I" don't want to...but then again "I" just said "I"...ah! "I" did it again.

We were never close. But my mom came home the other day from visiting him and told me that he told her to tell me that he loves me. It was the only time he ever said that to me and I wasn't there to hear it myself. This is almost like a part of me is dying. You know how in movies a guy finds out he's going to die and talks about all the things he never got to do. I wanna go sky diving. I wanna climb a mountain. I wanna go to outter space. I want to tell my grandson I love him.

I almost feel like I'm the martyr of the family. I never really got close to him, but everyone else seemed to of. If I'd of been closer to him, maybe one of my cousins, aunts, or uncles might of loss some of their time with him. Maybe they'd of missed out on a memory they cherish about him. If I'd of spent more time with him, maybe others wouldn't of had their chance. When my mom was a kid, her mother and father got divorced...Hence me having three sets of grandparents..My dad's parents who are both alive...My mom's mom and my "papa"(mom's step dad)...and My mom's dad and his new wife(she died before I was born). I spent all my time and was practically raised by my mom's mom and my "papa". I got all my grandparent needs from them two. I know its bad, but I DO love them. Both of them died a few years back so I felt like I pretty much shut the door on grandparents. I love my dad's mom and dad too, but its not the same kind of love. That grandmother is more like a aunt and that grandpa(pap) is more like a cool teacher that you talk to about life and what not. He's a great influence, but I don't get that whole "grandpa" vibe out of it. But those are the only two I now have left. My mom's parents are gone. She's not been the same since her mom died and I doubt she'll be the same again now that her dad died. The hardest part about this whole thing is going to see my mom cry on and off for the next couple months. She's the most important person in my life and when I have to look at her tear filled eyes, I want to cry. I probably will cry. Not because of my grandfather, but because of my mother..who is suffering.

I've never been to a funeral and I never wanted to go to one. I use the line that "I want to remember them the way they were" and things like that. The truth is is that I'm afraid of funerals. I know somewhere down the line, people will be huddled around my coffin and I'll be the one that's "not suffering anymore". But I made the comment tonight when I found all of this out that I WOULD GO. I deepy and truely do NOT want to go. But I said I would and pretty much signed a exclusive contract to be there. No double booking or gunslinging that day for me. I don't want to go. I don't want to be in a room of family by name/strangers by face and see them cry and be depressed. If I wanted that, I'd watch Chasing Amy a few more times again and I'd be enough for anyone. I just don't want to go. "I want to remember him the way he was"

I need a job. I need a car. I need to get to go to college. I need for MEW to get re-organized. I need for my life to get on track so I can suffer 30 years from now and die with a obituary of more than "18 year old indy promoter...No job...no car...no college...no lovelife...Maniak for Life". I am in dire need of a "break" in life. Not the break you take from work...but a change of "luck". I have FAITH for a change that something WILL change. That LIFE WILL get BETTER. But the bad part is, is that my patience is wearing down and quite frankly the FAITH I have in LIFE is going to be worthless. Why? Because I'm starting to feel like "LIFE" is meaningless. So I have FAITH in something I think is meaningless. But atleast I have FAITH right? Like I told a friend of mine, "Life is a treasure hunt. Happiness is the treasure" Maybe life WOULD be better if I my treasure was to "get into girls pants", but then again is IS, right Mrs. Excellent? If my saying has any truth to it, someone give me a better map.

I wrote this back in like July of 2002...

"Answers"

I, lost the answers today
To all the questions I once knew
I, hide from the truth
The only thing I know how to do
Confusion eats me away
In the mind I have lost
I have no idea how I should feel
Or what it may cost

You hide the answers away that I can not see
In the mirror I see a man who just isn't me
In their eyes they see a man that can not be

Underneath my facade
Lies a empty boy
I, have nothing to love
And I have no joy
Deep inside my soul
Ticks a time bomb of glass
Soon to shatter
I can not last

You hide the answers away that I can not see
In the mirror I see a man who just isn't me
In their eyes they see a man that can not be
When its all said and done
I'll have the answers one by one

Goodbye, Grandpa.

Mikey MiGo/Michael Goodpaster