Well, we’re in for a bumpy ride, folks.In case you’ve been living underground the last few days like Prince Dick (Cheney, that is), you are probably aware of the fact that people across the country have been receiving early valentine’s day packages from a secret admirer, the contents of which are nothing but powder Anthrax.
This probably won’t affect you unless you work in media or politics, in which case you probably deserve it anyway.
The funny thing is that whoever is sending these envelopes are targeting people like Tom Brokaw. This makes me wonder – does the person who sent the Anthrax realize how little Tom has to do with what is reported to the public and what isn’t, or is whoever sent it simply making a statement – no more toupees on Television! Either way, their attacks are misguided.
By mailing powdered Anthrax to reporters and senators, Americans are getting irritated and impatient, rather than afraid. Joe Klempt, a resident of Alfredo, South Dakota, has organized the ‘Just Do It!’ foundation. JDI (as it is referred to by Klempt and his fellow members) is promoting the end of the suspense in this ‘silly’ terrorist war.
“They should drop the other shoe, already!” Klempt said at a rally of over thirty people, the largest JDI has seen to date since its inception earlier this month. It was held in Kelsey’s Bar, and some of the attendees claim they had no idea what the hell was going on, or who 'that Klempt feller’ was.
“We need to stop sitting on our hands about this and tell this Ben Ladle fella, if he’s gonna attack, attack! Otherwise, surrendor! He needs to shit or get off the pot!” Klempt ended his presentation with a rousing rendition of Tom Petty’s ‘Free Fallin’ in honor of the September 11th attack and the victims in the WTC.
Reverend Jesse James Johnston, known to his congregation as Pastor JJ, believes that the only way to combat the problem of bio-terrorism is with a unique baptismal service.
“In the bible,” Pastor JJ said from the pulpit last Sunday, “The Lord says we shall be washed clean in the blood of the lamb! We shall be washed clean!” At this point he began to get very excited, claiming that this statement was referring to the current crisis, and encouraged everyone to purchase a lamb so they could take a group bath in lamb’s blood this coming Sunday.
After the service, I was surprised to find that very few people in the congregation thought a lamb’s blood bath was a good idea. I then pointed out to them that Falwell and Roberts take a private bath together in all sorts of blood, jello, and assorted liquids once a week. After that, they all decided Pastor JJ was right.
I will not be going back to see if they are cleansed in the blood, though I suspect that there will be several laws broken when all fifty members of the church get into the baptismal tank together.
On a final note, if you get Anthrax, make sure you go to the police immediately so they can catalogue you, put you in an isolation chamber, and do a battery of tests on you to see how the Anthrax affects your body and mind. After all, once you get Anthrax, you’re as good as dead anyway. Why not let us learn something from your carcass?
Until next time, open no envelopes!
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