| BAND REVIEW: KISS |
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Anyone who's spent more than five minutes around me can tell you that I have very strong opinions about music. My two favorite things in this world are listening to records and then dissecting the reasons why they're shit. When I decided to do this section, I wanted to find a band that had put out enough good albums to merit a few paragraphs, as well as a band who would provide all the funny fodder in the world. As I saw it, there was only one band who meets both of those qualifications.
Awwwshit. Seriously, who better to write about than a group of cockrock pioneers who spit blood, fly over the crowd, and who have spent 30 years proving that herpes is a myth? Let's do it. KISS was founded in New York City (get a rope) in 1972 by Gene (Klein) Simmons (born Chaim Witz) and Paul Stanley (Stanley Eisen). The two had been bandmates since 1970 and were playing in a band called "Wicked Lester," a name thisfar from "Dirty Sanchez" on the giggle meter. Simmons and Stanley found drummer Peter Criss (George Crisscoula) through his ad in Rolling Stone. Guitarist Ace (Paul) Frehley came on board when he mistook the band's Village Voice ad for a guitarist with "flash and balls" for an ad that read "a guitarist with hash in bowls." Imagine his suprise. Unfortunately, this would not be the last time Ace was duped (doped?) by the band. In the band's early days, all of the members were working dead-end jobs, with the exception of Simmons. He was a public school teacher at Manhattan's P.S. 75. The band's look and image were in place from the get-go, and they got signed to Casablanca records with help from former independent television director and current manager Bill Aucoin. Critics initially scoffed at the band as well as their first three releases, writing them off as pretentious thud-rock nobodies until the release of "Alive!" in 1975. The band's fourth effort skyrocketed up the airplay and sales charts with the success of what would become the band's signature song "Rock and Roll All Nite." This album and single would spell the end of the band's financial woes. Well...Gene's anyway. According to popular legend, an early 1975 (pre-Alive!) tour was financed solely on Aucoin's American Express card. Odds are Gene never paid Aucoin back. Greedy bastard. In 1976, and perhaps as a precursor of things to come, the band's image and music shifted to more commercial fare with the release of the Criss-penned "Beth." Criss wrote this song for his then-wife, Lydia. Yep..."Beth" was written for a woman named Lydia. Go figger. The band received six platinum albums between 1976-1979, and by that time it was commonplace for Kiss shows to be populated primarily by kids in KISS makeup. Remember that one the next time you hear Gene bragging about all the 'tang he got after some of those mid seventies shows. In 1977, Marvel Comics released the first of what would become many KISS comic books. Reportedly, the red ink in the book contained a small amount of blood from each band member. In truth, and thanks to Gene, all the blood in the comic actually belonged to Ace. Poor Ace found out the hard way that the human body does indeed hold more than the generally agreed upon eight pints. It, in actuality, holds nine. The brain hides some. This would not be the only time Gene bled Ace dry. Poor, poor Ace. The comic went on to sell over 400,000 copies and inspired the dullards at NBC to broadcast the feature-length "KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK," which, incidentally, is shit. I actually own this movie. Rumor has it that the band hated eachother at this point, and Criss hated the prospect of making a movie so much that he refused to read his dialogue while on the set, leaving it to be dubbed in by voice actors in post producton. This is incredible when you see the movie and realize that Peter has about seven words of dialogue in the entire movie. What a dick. The next big KISS promotional move saw the band members release solo albums simultaneously in 1978. All of these albums suck. HARD. KISS was essentially hitless during this phase of their career except for their wacky foray in to the Wild World of Disco with 1979's "I Was Made For Lovin' You." I have absolutely tortured friends in my car with this little oddity. In 1980, Criss left the band to embark on a solo career. A bad move by any drummer. Unless you want to be the next Phil Collins, but come on...who really needs that? Criss' solo albums didn't necessarily fare well, but he later found out that a busboy at Denny's can make great tips on the third shift. Criss was replaced on the skins by Brooklynite Eric Carr. Now we get to the Big Suck. "Music From the Elder." What the fuck? KISS abandoned their look, changed their sound, and let Lou Reed write their songs. This was the band's first (but by no means last) album not to break the 500,000-sold barrier. It was later certified plywood. Having no alternative, the band quickly reverted back to the look that brought them to the dance, but their next album "Creatures of the Night" also failed to go gold. I'm pretty sure this time, they were certified NERF.
In 1983, KISS appeared publicly without make up for the first time. This was done essentially to produce some type of a buzz for the forthcoming "Lick it Up" album. There are two major flaws in this publicity stunt. A: The album blew. B: By this time, Ace had been replaced by Vinnie Vincent on guitar who was, in a word, freaky-lookin'. The band has continued to tread water since those days, but only barely. Sure, they (read: Gene) have made boatloads of money and sold millions of records since the glory days, and will probably continue to do so. However, they're not what they used to be, and I have a million better things to do than write about never ending reunion tours, Kaskets, and Bruce Kulick. And don't even get me started on that whole "Eric Singer as The Catman" thing.
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