Rocco Melonchek: You're lying.
Roland T. Flakfizer: Of course I am, but hear me out!

Roland T. Flakfizer: Please, call me what everyone else calls me: "Your Royal Sex Machine."

Roland T. Flakfizer: Sorry, two's company, and three's an adult movie.

Rocco: Charity work. I gather these for those less fortunate than myself who can't afford pornography.

Tina: Was that the doorbell?
Roland T. Flakfizer: That wasn't you?

Lillian Oglethorpe: Then it's settled. I am so excited.
Roland T. Flakfizer: You're excited? Feel these nipples.

Roland T. Flakfizer: And she looks like she's about fifteen.
Lazlo: No, no, no.
Roland T. Flakfizer: Okay, fourteen then. In fact I know she's fourteen, because I was dating her a year ago.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Dear Lillian, soon I hope to take you on a Carribbean cruise, where we can hold hands on a soft summer's evening and watch that old Jamaican moon. Why that old Jamaican will be mooning us, I have no idea.

Roland T. Flakfizer: I'm all out of American currency. Here, take a fistful of Romanian fifties.

Roland T. Flakfizer: "No?" Flakfizer doesn't know the MEANING of the word "No!" We're also a little fuzzy on "panaglutin" and "viscosity."

[Wondering where Flakfizer has hidden his lover.]
Lazlo: Ah! Your suite!
Roland T. Flakfizer: You're pretty terrific yourself.

Jacques: Are you Roland T. Flakfizer?
Flakfizer: That all depends. Do I owe you money?
Jacques: No.
Flakfizer: In a drunken stupor, did I promise to marry you?
Jacques: No.
Flakfizer: Then I'm your man!

Flakfizer: Let's step outside and settle this like men!
Volare: We are outside.
Flakfizer: OK, let's step inside and settle it like women.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Money's no object! It isn't mine!

Roland T. Flakfizer: I didn't know the meaning of the word "no," but he had it down pretty good.

Roland T. Flakfizer: Some day you'll have my children. In fact, they're in the car if you want them.

Roland T. Flakfizer: If there's anything I can ever do for you... forget it, because I don't do those kinds of things.

Roland T. Flakfizer: It's said that behind every great man there is a great woman, and I'm glad the woman behind me is Lillian; because, quite frankly, I enjoy the shade.

[The amount on a taxi meter is rising quickly]
Roland T. Flakfizer: Aren't those numbers going by a little fast?
Rocco Melonchek: You're probably just a speed reader.

Roland T. Flakfizer: So, do you enjoy being a cab driver?
Rocco Melonchek: Nah. As soon as I get my driver's license, I'm quitting.