Ford Fairlane: So many assholes... So few bullets...

Ford Fairlane: Clint Eastwood... I fucked 'im!

Lt. Amos: You think you are so hot 'cos you get in all the clubs, heh? Just because you have sex with great looking women...
Ford Fairlane: You got to admit those are pretty good reasons...

Colleen Sutton: Nothing disgusts me. At the age of eleven I walked in on my father and the Shetland pony. Does that excite you?
Ford Fairlane: I don't know, I never met your father.

Ford Fairlane: Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want.

Ford Fairlane: Johnny was the only guy who could out-disgust me. When we were kids we had gross-out contests. I coughed a pile of phlegm on a table, he said "Nice try!" and pulled out a straw...

Ford Fairlane: Yo! Snapperhead!

Jazz: Well, that weekend was a mistake!
Ford Fairlane: Hey, look. I'm sorry I made you clean the toilets and the bathtubs, I mean, who did all the work in bed?

Ford Fairlane: How much?
Ticket Guy: 300.
Ford Fairlane: 300?? You charged the chicks one!
Ticket Guy: Hey, they blew me.
Ford Fairlane: Heh! 300 coming up!

Lt. Amos: I can't believe anybody can have so much fucking fun in a funeral, Fairlane.

Lt. Amos: See, that's the difference between a great investigator like me, and a piece of spam like you.
Ford Fairlane: Spam? You're a piece of spam. That's what I think of you.
Lt. Amos: No, I call you a piece of spam, 'cos that's what you are.
Ford Fairlane: Spam!

Ford Fairlane: Conversation with Zuzu Petals was like masturbating with a cheese grater: slightly amusing, but mostly painful.

Ford Fairlane: Un-fucking-believable!

[At the "sisters'" house, surrounded by all the semi-nude women]
Ford Fairlane: hibb... hibbdy... Maybe I did die in the explosion, you know.

Amiable Tourist: Can you give us directions to Mann's Chinese Theatre?
Ford Fairlane: Hey! Go back to Iowa!
Amiable Tourist: We're from Wisconsin!
Ford Fairlane: Yeah, and I'm from my dad's penis. Now fuck off!

Don Cleveland: [to Julian Grendale] With friends like you, who needs enemas?

Ford Fairlane: I'm so terrific I have my own toll-free number: 1-800-UNBELIEVABLE!

Ford Fairlane: Have a twinkie, snapperhead!

Lt. Amos: Are you calling me an asshole, asshole?
Ford Fairlane: No, I'm calling you an anus, anus!

Don Cleveland: Will someone tell me what the fuck is going on here, slowly?
Zuzu Petals: Well... it... all... started... with... this... condom... factory...

Ford Fairlane: Excuse me, did I hear the f-word out of you? You say "fuck" again and I'll bang you right to fuck! Now get the fuck out of here!

[Looking at a corpse's breasts.]
Ford Fairlane: Damn, baby, I hope you signed some organ donor cards!

[To his erection]
Ford Fairlane: Come on, down boy. Down Stanley. Roseanne Barr naked. Gone!

Lt. Amos: Two words. "Disco Express."
Ford Fairlane: Disco Express? They blew dog! And that lead singer, he kinda looked like...
Lt. Amos: Like ME, right?
Ford Fairlane: Yeah! I was gonna say he looked like shit, but...he looked like you.

Ford Fairlane: Hey, great pipes, huh? I've heard cats fuck with more harmony.

Ford Fairlane: I could crack my knuckles with more rhythm!

Johnny Crunch: If there are any teenage virgins listening, show up at KDRT right now with a jar of petroleum jelly, and ask to speak to Johnny Crunch!

Ford Fairlane: [to women running from his bed] Do my dishes!

Ford Fairlane: What are your names, Neil and Bob, or is that like what you do?

Ford Fairlane: Hey, look. Write down my number: 555-6321 Got it?
Twin Club Girl: Yeah. Wait a minute! 555 is not a real number! They only use that in the movies!
Ford Fairlane: No shit, honey. What do you think this is? Real life?

Ford Fairlane: You're 10 seconds away from the most embarrassing moment in your life!