Nathan Arizona: Dammit, are you boys gonna chase down your leads or are you gonna sit drinkin' coffee in the one house in the state where I know my boy ain't at?

Ed McDonnough: You mean you busted out of jail.
Evelle: We released ourselves on our own recognizance.
Gale: What Evelle means to say is, we felt that the institution no longer had anything to offer us.

Glen: How many Pollacks it take to screw up a lightbulb?
H.I. McDunnough: I don't know, Glen. One?
Glen: Nope, it takes three.
[Glen laughs. H.I. doesn't]
Glen: Wait a minute, I told it wrong. Here, I'm startin' over: How come it takes three Pollacks to screw up a lightbulb?
H.I. McDunnough: I don't know, Glen.
Glen: 'Cause they're so darn stupid!
[Glen laughs again. H.I. doesn't]
Glen: Shit, man, loosen up! Don't ya get it?
H.I. McDunnough: No, Glen, I sure don't.
Glen: Shit, man, think about it! I guess it's what they call a "way homer."
H.I. McDunnough: Why's that?
Glen: 'Cause you only get it on the way home.
H.I. McDunnough: I'm already home, Glen.

Leonard Smalls: Name's Smalls. Leonard Smalls. My friends call me Lenny...only I ain't got no friends.

H.I.: I'll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash ya got.

[To store clerk he's robbing]
H.I.: And make it quick, I'm in dutch with the wife.

Nathan Arizona, Sr.: You got a table and chairs, you gotta dinette set. You gotta table and no chairs, you got dick.

H.I.: And this here's the TV. Two hours a day, either educational or football, so you don't ruin your appreciation of the finer things.

H.I.: I tried to stand up and fly straight, but it wasn't easy with that son' bitch Reagan in the White House.

FBI Man: Was the boy wearing any jammies?
Nathan Arizona Sr.: Of course he was wearing his jammies nobody sleeps naked in this house.
FBI Man: Well could you describe the jammies?
Nathan Arizona Sr.: I don't what is damn jammies looked like...they had Yodas and shit on them.

Edwina: Gimme that baby, you wart-hog from hell!

Prison Counsellor: Why do you say you feel "trapped" in a man's body.
"Trapped" Convict: Well, sometimes I get them menstrual cramps real hard.

H.I. McDonough: Edwina's insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.

Gale: Anyone found bipedal in five wears his ass for a hat!

Evelle picks up a pack of balloons.
Evelle: Do these blow into funny shapes and all?
Grocer: Well, no, unless round is funny.

Gale: You understand, H.I.? If this works out, it's just the beginning of a spree to cover the entire southwest proper. And we keep going until we can retire. Or we get caught.
Evelle: Either way, we're fixed for life.

Old man in the bank: Now, what's it gonna be young feller? You want I should freeze or get down on the ground? 'Cause if'n I freeze, I can't rightly drop. And if'n I drop, I'm gonna be in motion.

H.I. McDonough: We figured there was too much happiness here for just the two of us, so we figured the next logical step was to have us a critter.

Ear-Bending Cellmate: When there was no meat, we ate fowl. When there was no fowl, we ate crawdads. When there was no crawdads to be found, we ate sand.

Leonard Smalls is extorting money from Nathan Arizona Sr.]
Nathan Arizona Sr.: Well, this is nothing but a goddamn shakedown and a screwjob, any way you look at it!

Ed: This ain't family life!
H.I: Well... it sure ain't "Ozzie and Harriet."

Leonard Smalls: You want to find an outlaw, hire an outlaw. You want to find a Dunkin' Donuts, call a cop.

H.I.: Biology and other peoples' opinions conspired to keep us childless.

H.I.: There's right and there's right and never the t'wain shall meet.

Evelle: Ummm, junior just had an accident.
Gale: What do you mean? He looks okay.
Evelle: He just went and had himself a little ol' reststop.
Gale: [sniffs a couple of times] Well that's natural.

Evelle: H.I., you're young and you got your health, what you want with a job?

Parole Board Member #1: They've got a name for people like you H.I. That name is called "recidivism."
Parole Board Member #2: Repeat offender!
Parole Board Member #1: Not a pretty name, is it H.I.?
H.I.: No sir. That's one bonehead name, but that ain't me anymore.
Parole Board Member #1: You're not just telling us what we want to hear?
H.I.: No sir, no way.
Parole Board Member #2: 'Cause we just want to hear the truth.
H.I.: Well, then I guess I am telling you what you want to hear.
Parole Board Member #1: Boy, didn't we just tell you not to do that?
H.I.: Yes, sir.
Parole Board Member #1: Okay, then.

Glen: Say that reminds me, how'd you get that kid so darn fast? Me and Dot went in to adopt on account a' somethin' went wrong with my semen, and they said we had to wait five years for a healthy white baby. I said, "Healthy white baby? Five years? What else you got?" Said they got two Koreans and a negra born with his heart on the outside. It's a crazy world.
H.I.: Someone oughta sell tickets.
Glen: Sure, I'd buy one.

H.I.: Sometimes it's a hard world for small things.

Evelle: Awfully fine cereal flakes ya got, Mrs. McDonough.

Gale: Well, H.I., looks like you've been up to the devil's business.

Dot: Now you take that diaper off your head and you put it back on your sister!

Policeman: Do you have any disgruntled employees?
Nathan Arizona Sr.: Hell, they're all disgruntled. I aint running no damn daisy farm. My motto is "Do it my way or watch your butt!"
Policeman: Well, do you think any of them could've done it?
Nathan Arizona Sr.: Oh, don't make me laugh. Without my say-so they wouldnt' piss with their pants on fire.

Gale: Why ain't you breast-feeding? You appear to be capable.
Ed McDonnough: Mind your own bid'ness.
Evelle: Ma'am, you don't breast-feed him, he'll hate you for it later. That's why we wound up in prison.
Gale: Anyway, that's what Doc Schwartz tells us.

H.I. McDonnough: What are you talkin' about, Glen?
Glen: What am I talkin' about? I'm talkin' about sex boy, what the hell you talkin' about? I'm talkin' about l'amour! I'm talkin' that me and Dot are swingers, as in "to swing." I'm talkin' about wife swappin'. I'm talkin' about what they call nowadays open marriage. I'm talk...
H.I. McDonnough: Knocks Glen to the ground with a punch Keep your goddamned hands off my wife!