Dear Justin,

here's where your notes are going to be. you can email me if u want to, but here's where Im gonna write to you to tell you about whats happening.

*sigh* wel...you dont really want to see me today...im kinda hurt, but no one cares...i guess that means that i shouldn't, either. but, hey... we all have things that make us want to scream. i'm that thing for most ppl.... oh well. im sorry that im such a fucking nusance. im EVERYONE'S problem. every fucking day. im getting tired of it. every fucking day i get SOME shit from someone. whether it be tyler, my mom....i dunno what the fuck to do anymore. im getting really tired of it. i just want to scream. maybe i should just go away. go somewhere where no one knows me, and no one knows my shit. i wish. oh well..... fuck life. life fucks us, so why can't we fuck it?....

5/1: You left me today! Im sad now. :*( tears...see 'em? *sniffle* lol. MMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...i couldnt help it. I couldnt resist. LOL. MARTIAN ARTS!!! lol. im so hyper. I ordered a pizza for myself and ate all but 2 pieces. it was a small, tho...dont worry...im not that much of a pig **oink** lol. I'm going to start a daily exercise thing today. On the lil walk thinggy in our living room...its gonna be I burn 500 calories or Im on it for and hour. I burned 200 this morning and I was only on it for 10 mins...yay!!! and Im also doing 300 crunches a day. Im going to eat one meal a day only...maybe....lol. but yeah. im not sure if im going to do nemore stuff, but my goal is to lose 30 lbs by the time u get back...thats 10 lbs a week. thats really too much for me to lose a week, but oh well...i wanna look good for you for when u get back. I hope all is going well in canada. Ima get now. ttyl!!! MMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Signed,

Anonymous Quack

5/2: I wore your shirt today! ppl are all like coming up to me saying how good of a band it is...i dont know who they are...the band or the people coming up to me for the most part. I miss you! I tried to talk to tyler today, but i didn't. i think we're gonna talk next week at lunch sometime. I smell like you and it makes me miss you. I told my mom this morning that i smell like you and she called me sick like she does to us when we moo to her. lol. but...yeah. Oh! tyler was like....kinda upset i was wearing your shirt! it was hillarious. i think he told jen, tho... o well, right? yeah. they're both starting to think something's going on between us...i told them there isnt. tyler thinks that we've slept together... i told him we havent. he doesnt need to know these kind of things. lol. yeah. i dont think it'd be good for my health or yours for them to know that yet. ive noticed today that day by day, my feelings for him lesen and lessen. thats a good thing, though, cuz my feelings for someone else *cough cough* are growing stronger. *cough* uuhh.....yeah...ne wayz... i think i have to get my passport pic taken today. yay*rolls eyes*. ssooooo much fun *not!* lol. i think ima start taking driver's ed soon!!! YAY!!! well...lol ima go, okay? u can call me. I miss you a LOT! call me or email me. i'll ttyl!!!

5/5: hey! as i said b4, im starting driver's ed on the 17th...then i have the 24th, 31st, and 7th and then i take tha test! wish me luck!! i miss you so much! how come you never email me? obviously you're online cuz my counter goes up....O.o email me!!! lol. MMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....i do that to my mom, and i tell her it's cuz im keeping ur spirit alive. she laughs and calls me sick. but yeah...we had a really big fight today, and im starting to get sick og it. i told her that if she cant wait for me to move out, i'd move out when im 17. i prolly should. they dont want me here, so i mean, whats the point in staying somewhere im not wanted? oh well. OH! and get this! i get to get my belly button pierced if all of my grades are B's or above. no B-'s. Until i get all of my grades to over B, i cant get it done. But im hoping i can this summer. Im trying to get my grades up so that I can. but, oh well. I miss you a lot. Can you send me a letter when you get mine? I hope you can. I miss you a lot. I can't wait til you get back. Keep me updated on what happens up there. Im kinda wondering about what you said. you told me that we might date when you get back...it depends on what happens up there. im just wondering. yeah. Oh...i had a dream about us. if you dont wanna know what it is..then you dont have to read it, but ima tell you, ok?

yeah, we were the same age as we are now, and you got back from canada and we started dating. well, after about 5 years of dating, we still were okay. and thats a good thing. yeah...well...you proposed to me on the...14th of july. i said yes...of course. duh. so we got married a year later... july 14th.it was a small wedding, but you of course had to do something special. so...we're at the wedding, and we're about to say 'i do', when we hear this loud rumbling noise. everyone looks around, and i do, too. so i look at you, and you have this smirk on your face like 'i know whats going on, and you don't. haha'. so everyone's looking around, and then i look up (i dont know why... i just did) and what do i see? a formation of the planes..(i know you know what i mean). there were 7 planes. they were so cool. then i looked down at you and you laughed and said 'i told you i'd do something like this. i told you i wouldn't make our wedding frilly, and i'd do something like this.' so we kinda laugh, and when they get done, i see about 50 like...ROTC kids...from the school that im going to teach at...and they came over, and they did like... something. i dont know what it was really. so neways...we finish the wedding, and everyone was so happy. it was the best wedding dream i've had about us. lol. well... i gotta get now. i have homework. I'll write you later. ttyl!!!

5/5: Dear Diary, ok...so my mom's a bitch. sometimes. she can't help it. but today has just been too much. she's fighting with me about EVERYTHING! i cant do nething right anymore. i mean...im writing my story, and its GOOD..but i let her read it and she makes me change it cuz she doesnt like ONE FUCKING line! oh my god! how fucking retarded can someone be? i mean, its a FICTIONAL story. it kinda lead up to why she does the shit she does. i dont know. all i know is that i cant do anything right anymore and its really starting to bug me. i wish i could just go away. i dunno. i might leave.im not sure. i just cant handle it anymore. its stressing me out. why cant i be a perfect little angel like my mom wants me to be? I mean, she wont even let me do my ROOM how i want it. I want it purple and thats ok...but I want rubber ducks all around, but she's like 'No, that'll look dork' im thinking 'YOU look dork' but i hold my tounge. i mean, come on! what do i have to do?! i swear...im going to stop eating again if i have to to make her happy. I have to lose weight, but she doesnt. she needs it more than i do. ARGH!!! i just wanna go somewhere. i need to get out of this house! oh well. i gotta do homework.

5/7: hey!!! I miss you so much! i hope you're okay in canada. i really do miss you. i can't wait for you to get back. im so excited. guess what? i had another dream...NO, it wasn't about the wedding. wanna know it?

ok...i had a dream that you came back from canada, and u came over to my house and we started making out...yeah... heh..and you gave me a hickey. i dont know why i dreamed it, but i did. thats all my dream was....oh! and then like, when we were at the airport, i saw you, and i ran twards you and i jumped into your arms and gave u a kiss. heh. well, i gotta get. i'll ttyl.

5/8: hey you! i miss you soooooo much! ok..my favour i wanna ask you: when you get back...can i borrow one of ur uhm..... formal shirts? i think thats the one....the one with the collar that buttons up. that one..or one of them? please? cuz, cuz, i wanna wear it. i wore your shirt today again, and tyler like... is scared that im wearing your shirts. i was like 'are you frightened at the fact im wearing Tyle's shirt?' and he looked at me, and hes all 'yyyeah. its scary.' hehehehehe!!! so...we scare him. lol. i warned jen yesterday that tyler was a cheater and a lyer. (sp?) yeah. so i was scared shit-less as i was doing it, too...i was shaking so much. but, oh well. i thought i should do that, being her friend and everything. i was trying to be nice. she said she appreciated my concern. i dont know if she was serious or just bullshitting, but hey. i cant stop her from thinking bad things. she can think im a bad person if she wants. and tyler thinks i've given you head, a hand job, and that we've had sex. i have to deny it all. im not going to tell him. he thinks i slept with you to get back at him. why? i dont know. 'I know you've slept with him. i know it.' and im like... 'uuuhhhh....nnnooo, not really. i haven't even touched his crotch. well...there was this one time, but it was a total accident.' he's soooooo like... upset. its hillarious. you have NO idea. you should see his face. oh, you'd crack up. he saw me in ur shirt today, ooohhhh...you would have paid money to see it. it was great! lol. hey, guess what?! MARTIAN ARTS!!! MMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOO...lol...keeping the spirit alive. lol. well, i have to go cuz im leaving in a few mins. ok?? email me!!! ciao!

5/10: so tell me this...when did u start dating her? is she pretty? well, duh, thats a given. of course she is. did u sleep with her? im just wondering most of all, though...if i was just like a piece of clothing. you tried me on, and threw me off, and left me laying on the floor. is that what i was to you, justin? a piece of clothes? i mean....c'mon. you KNEW there was never going to be a chance for us. i knew it too. i was just too dense to see it. and what did u mean by 'u meant more to me than you know'? what is that supposed to mean? i mean...i feel so...so used and, and betrayed, and i feel like a slut. i really do. i feel like two of the guys that i cared for with all my heart just...shattered it into pieces and used me for sex. thats all you two wanted, isnt it? my god. i feel so dirty and used. i feel like a tramp. i need to learn when to listen to myself when my heart tells me not to get involved because im just going to get hurt. my heart was telling me when we were having sex the 1st time that i was going to get hurt. but i didnt listen. it took me two more times of sex and then you telling me that you have a girlfriend to wake me up. god, im so fucking stupid. you know what? i gave u my heart. you didnt know that. im not saying i love you. i promise you that. but i did give u my heart. i trusted you with a lot of things. i told you things. i dont know what i have to do. first tyler shattered my heart and then you helped me put it back together...and then i gave it to you. and then you shattered it. i miss you, justin. i really do. and i hope that we're still friends, but im going to need some serious huggin. ok? if its ok, though, im still gonna go to the airport to pick u up. i really miss you. and i guess that you're not going to be able to make it to my winter guard final. we put on our own shows. i wanted you to go and see it. but i guess that wont happen. i miss you. email me. please.

5/11: justin. im really really really sorry. i didnt mean to hurt you in any way, shape, or form. i was just...kinda upset, and i didnt tell jen on purpose. im really sorry. i hope you can forgive me. i realy do miss you, and i hope you're having the time of your life up there. i've felt bad all day, and im just really sorry. if i hurt you. i didnt mean to. you know that. at least, i hope you know that. i never intended to hurt you, and if i did, i REALLY didn't mean to. im truthfully sorry from the bottom of my heart. i hope we are still friends because if this ruins our friendship, im gonna go crazy. your the best friend ive had in a LONG time, and i dont wanna lose it. i miss you. please try to email me. im sorry. i never meant to hurt you. please forgive me. please. im litterally on my knees begging for your forgiveness. im deeply sorry. i miss you. hopefully, your friend (still), shawna

5/16: justin...uhmm...i just forgot what i was going to write...*ponders* OH! yeah. duh. check out my story. i've added to it. i hope you're doing okay in canada. i just cant believe you're gonna stay there. its just...kinda wierd. it hasnt really set in yet. but good things are happening down here. tyler and i are on a talking basis. he said that i have to build his trust back up. and im willing to do it. i really want him back, but im torn. i dont know if i want daniel or tyler. you said in your email that i'll find someone special and marry him...i think i have. i found daniel. but i dont know if he's the one. i mean... is it wrong that i still dream of tyler, but im madly head over heels in love with daniel? does that make me a cheater? oh well. try to email me, please. k? oh, and what do u want me to do with ur shirt? member? i have a shirt of yours. hmmm...please email me. it'd mean a lot to me. i miss you. i gotta go to bed. driver's ed starts tomorrow! yay! i miss you!!! hugs and kisses. i love you!