With the upcoming nuptials of Mr. Joshua P. Vance, I often encounter individuals who say, "Lee, there are now so few guys like you left. How in the world do you persistently woo hoards of women?"
I have ten basic secrets:
1. Become a stalker. Call her repeatedly on the telephone and merely breathe into the receiver. Then park across the street from her house in the dark (with binoculars) and drive away when she peers through the curtains. Follow her down the sidewalk, hiding around corners and behind poles. After a couple of weeks, say to her, "It was just me. Good one, huh?" She will undoubtedly see the humor and respond, "You really had me going; I love you!" If you would like to remain current on all of the latest research in this field, you may subscribe to my new magazine, Stalk Talk. If you order today, you will also receive The Daily Stalker, free of charge.
2. Wear Strawberry Shortcake underoos and inform everyone about it. I think this one really needs no explanation.
3. When eating in a cafeteria, always leave your tray on the table. This will lead to excited whispers of "What a rebel!" all over the room. As we can all see clearly and accurately from every motion picture ever filmed, females feel drawn to dangerous, rebellious, and arrogant men.
4. Sit by yourself. One or both of two experiences will occur: (1) They will think that you choose the life of a loner. Women love loners: just look at the Fonz. (2) They will feel pity deep within their souls and sit next to you. Once the introductions have taken place, refer to Secret #1.
5. Never--under any circumstances--ask her out. I expertly practice this one. If you play hard to get forever, she will remain in an eternal and increasing state of woo-wanting.
6. If, by some unfortunate occurance, you do ask her out, pick her up in a semi-truck. At this point, she will realize that your physical strength exists on a plane beyond comprehension, since you have the ability to maneuver such a beast of a machine. She will feel well-protected.
7. If, by some unfortunate circumstance, you do ask her out and she refuses, show up anyway (semi-truck and all). If she turns you away from her home, promptly refer to Secret #1.
8. Do not bathe.
9. Possess the perfect combination of good looks, suavity, machismo, bicept girth, and nobility, like myself.
10. If you break your leg during a game of backyard football, let her know that it doesn't hurt. Insist on it. After she kisses your boo-boo, begin to unleash the charm: "You know, I do wear Strawberry Shortcake underoos."
I hope that these secrets prove helpful for all who seek such knowledge. Good luck!