As you will see in the succeeding article, Lee Chambers lives as an icon of humility, a state so hard to accomplish with so many positive attributes. As one acquaintance commented, "I don't understand how he does it. I mean he has converted his little cardboard box into a palace and the dumpster from which he eats into a five-star restaurant." Additionally, he really knows how to woo the lasses. One fine day as an undergraduate, Lee passed an amazingly beautiful girl on the sidewalk and said, "Hi"; just to show her the infinite level of his smoothness and machismo, he kept walking. She pretended unimpressed, and to this very moment in time, she acts as if she doesn't know he exists, but she obviously just plays "hard-to-get." Lee Chambers: strong, undeniably handsome, ingenious, demure. What more can I say?
The BCL
"World Domination with a Christian Purpose." These nice young gentlemen really hold firm to the principles of these six short words and do so with such power, honor, and dignity. With so many forces acting against them, such as the $%* and the #&, they still stay true to their mission, and while laughing in the face of such adversity, they somehow make it through unscathed. The BCL: tough, caring, looking out for their fellow man. Forget those comic books; to find the real heroes, one need look no further.
Llamas
What can any of say us about llamas. I think every one of my readers can agree that in llamas, we find a creature worthy of associating with "fun." I mean, they carry fascinating diseases and selflessly serve as host to struggling parasites. They spit, and when mock by snotty college students, they do not develop grudges. I believe we can all learn a lesson from the observance of our four-legged friend, the llama.
Erin DeForge
Erin stands as a fine example for all men as one committed to an undaunting standard of integrity. She considers pain an emotion for the weak, never misses an episode of "Friends," and she sees no shame in asking for a tribute to her in this widely-read scholarly journal. We can see some of her finest qualities in action when she performs the following tasks: stalking amazingly humble men and telling them how good looking she finds their roommates. Yes, for a reason to sleep well at night, one must only know that Erin prowls the streets, ensuring the safety of all.
Insomnia
This ages-old friend of mankind has thoughtfully visited many individuals all the way back to King Darius in the book of Daniel. Even in his eldery years, Insomnia seems to muster the energy to make one's life complete, and how helpfully he comes! On a recent Sunday morning, one could find my name on the schedule to sing a special in church. I needed very much to arise early to warm-up my vocal folds, and I stood concerned about my ability to do so. However, my great friend, Insomnia, selflessly gave himself to the cause, and I found myself awake twenty-four hours early! What a pal!
Samih Rihani's Cell Phone
What a wonderful tool we all see in the existance of Sam's cell phone! His many free minutes each month allow him to lovingly brighten the day of all within the United States. In fact, the device itself cares just as much as Sam. As he attempted to place a call to my home recently, he instead reached my parents' household and took the time to share in their lives for a period. As we all know, this had absolutely nothing to do with Sam's own wreckless behavior, but rather came straight from the heart of the phone.
My Readers
I often find myself swelling with pride when I think of the immense impact that I have on my readers. For instance, during the first issue of PROPAGANDA TODAY Online, they sent a whopping four letters to the editor and voted in the Propaganda Poll over twenty times! However, during the secong issue, I received one letter and seven votes. What a wonderful feeling to know that everyone shares in my dream to gradually--over time--run this scholarly journal into the ground!
Kristin, Rachael, and the Family Portrait
Kristin C. and Rachael L. (only their last initials appear so as to conceal their true identities) have decided to take a great step of roommate bonding and have a family portrait taken so they may hang it in their entryway. I commend them on this great accomplishment. I only hope that one day, I may receive the opportunity to see it. You see, because of the great chasm between the plane of quality on which they exist and my own humble state prevents them from entering my home, and I may only enter their's if I beg like a dog. Oh sure, they humor me in public by conversing with me and allowing me to ride in their vehicles, but everyone knows that they only do so out of a selfless pity of my fragile ego. For this, I give them the greatest tribute of all. Thanks a lot guys!
High Schoolers on Probation
I recently had the privilage of working daily for a couple of months with a 17-year-old named Mike, an entrepreneur of sorts. Yes, Mike possesses an uncanny talent for selling Viagara to elementary students. On a completely unrelated note, he left the pizzeria every night by 9:30. I strain to comprehend why; I guess he must just really find proper rest an important assest to his development.
Mackenzie Trembly
It seems that Mac has recently developed a problem with seeing big, red stop signs. I have often wished they would appear more attention getting myself (maybe if they were black and ten feet off the road, it would help). I will now dispense my legal advice to all my readers: when stopped by a policeman, say to him, "You know, Officer, earlier today, I studied the periodic table, and it said,'CU, Copper'!" and then drive away. He must then let you go. Trust me; it's required by law.
The Social Security Adiministration
When pondering the whole "lock box" rhetoric, I realized that Social Security exists as a federally regulated chain letter. An individual sends a check to another who came before him in hope of a reciprocation in the future. If I began this, I would find myself in prison, so hats off to the SSA for finding ways around the law (maybe they have mob ties).
Matt Wenger
Two days ago, I attended a cookout at a friend's house and found Mr. Wenger in attendance. I must say that in these, his post-graduation days, he has really developed into a wise and upright young man. Not only does he receive a paycheck for performing no actual work, but he has also begun to figure out how to avoid all types of labor whatsoever. On the afternoon in question, he threw a dozen frisbees all over the yard and left without picking them up off of the ground (he even threw some of them back into the woods). Matt, I hope to learn much from your ways over this next year.
Mark A. Boyle
I have many times taken note of Mr. Boyle's activities, and I have observed that he doesn't exert much energy when he applauds, lifts heavy objects, stretches like a yogi, etc. Apparently, this is because of the "wrist surgery" that resulted from his "disease." I can't imagine how it must feel to live a life where one cannot even pour his own cereal or assemble his own dynamite. Mark, I will keep my thoughts with you.
Kelly Jones
As if getting married this summer were not enough, it seems that my saxophonist freind from Minnesota has decided even to further expand his personal enrichment by developing an affinity for nocturnal creatures. Just last weekend, in fact, after hitting a raccoon with his automobile, Mr. Jones decided to keep it in his apartment over night so that he may take it to the veteranarian the following day. Little did he know that the animal would awaken and climb into his steering column, let alone bite him. Kelly, I deeply appreciate your willingness to, in one sweep, save wild mammals and test rabies vaccinations, so as to save human lives as well. You are certainly to be commended.
My New Neighbors
I have recently moved into a new neighborhood and have taken great note of the classy sociological make-up of the Howard St. community. My neighbors appear to have taken an oath to both educate and entertain me, whatever the cost. They teach me new words everyday, greatly increasing my potential vocabulary. Also, one day at about 7:00 a.m., one gentleman thought I might desire a dose of gansta rap from his car stereo, which I did. In his attempt to brighten my day, however, he became so caught up in his cause that he forgot about the laws of science. When he tried to start his car, it wouldn't turn over.