Author's Note: For those of you who haven't seen Blade Runner, here's a little background info. The movie takes place in 2019. Man has been genetically making humans, known as replicants, but they are now illegal on Earth. Rick Deckard (played by Harrison Ford) is a "blade runner," a special agent devoted to killing replicants. He identifies replicants by using a machine to measure pupil dilation and other eye movement as he asks various questions from a list. It also explores the possibility that the pilots may be more than human.
Gundam Pilots: The Voigt-Kampff Test
"I just got done testing them," He walked in and placed an unidentifiable piece of equipment down on the table.
"And?" The leader of the five men asked, his artificial eyes gleaming.
"Well, I don't know what to think. As you know, I set up a video camera to tape the entire procedure. Watch," with a sigh, he popped a small version of a CD into a computer and stepped back to give better view of the screen.
*~~~~*
A man in about his 20's was sitting behind a desk. He adjusted his machine and then turned to the young blonde standing before him.
"Just sit down, relax, and look right here. I'm going to ask you a few questions."
"OK. But could we hurry up? I have a really important business meeting to attend and I can't be late. Otherwise my 28 older sisters will kill me," The blonde smiled, but something evil flashed in his eyes. Rather than find out what it was, the man just gave a weak smile back and began.
"You're walking in the desert and - "
"Wow! I live in the desert! I'm Arabic! Are you a psychic or something?! Is this supposed to be a reading to find all about my past lives?"
"No, can we get on with this?" The man was slightly annoyed. Disappointment flooded the blonde's face, "Anyway, you're walking in the desert when you come upon a tortoise - "
"Actually, I've never seen a tortoise in the desert before. I don't think - "
"YOU COME UPON A TORTOISE and you flip it onto it's back. You're standing there watching its belly bake in the sun. It can't get up on it's own - "
"Oh no! I would never watch it die! Trowa would kill me and I just couldn't stand Trowa being mad at me! Do you think I should start a campaign for tortoises lost in the desert?"
"......NEXT!" With a look of confusion, the blonde pushed himself out of his chair and scuttled out the door. A boy with black hair pulled back into a ponytail walked in after him. A look of confusion painted his face as he turned around in an attempt to make sense of the blonde.
"I could have sworn he was mumbling something about tortoises and Barton," he sat down and glared at the questioner. The man sighed.
"Don't worry about it. I want you to sit back, relax, and look right into this machine. I'm just going to ask you some questions. Simply answer them. Got it?" The boy curtly nodded his head, "Good. Now you're walking in the desert when you come upon a tortoise. You flip the tortoise on it's back and watch it fry in the hot - "
"That is not my idea of entertainment. Why would I flip a weak tortoise on it's back simply to amuse myself? I have more honor than that. Killing weak, defenseless creatures are for the equally weak humans who cannot fight like men."
"OK...You're looking through a magazine when you come upon a pinup of a nude man. You're wife likes it so much she hangs it up and... What's wrong?" Sweat started to trickle down his neck as he melted under the gaze of the boy.
"I DID NOT LET NATAKU DIE! YOU WILL PAY FOR DISHONORING HER!" he leapt at the man sitting in front if him, knocking the machine onto the ground. Positioned as he was, the man had barely enough time to dive under the desk before he was attacked.
"HELP ME!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" The door was flung open and two young men ran in. Each took an arm and dragged the attacker away. With a sigh of relief, he straightened his tie and picked up his machine before the next subject came in.
"Hey! So, you said something to upset Wu-man. Tsk tsk. I'd watch your back from now on," with a wink, he threw himself into chair and slumped down.
"Err...make yourself comfortable. I'm going to ask you a few simple questions. All you have to do is answer them. That's all, nothing else. Just relax. Are you ready?" The boy had begun to play with his braid; brushing the end of it against his cheek.
"Oh yeah, I'm ready!"
"OK. Look right here. You're walking in a desert when you come upon a tortoise. You flip it over onto its back and watch it back in the sun. It can't get up without your help."
"I didn't think they had tortoises in the desert," the man almost sweatdropped, "I'll have to ask Quatre about that. Anyhoo! I'd just let it cook out in the sun, then I'd make turtle soup! Fast, efficient, and easy!" He grinned demonically.
"You're looking through a magazine when you come upon a nude pin up of a man. You're wife likes it so much, she hangs it up on your bedroom wall."
"The only man or woman I need is Heero! But if he insisted on hanging a nude poster up, it would have to be of me!" He smiled and got starry eyed just thinking of his love.
"....He....You...." He turned around and tried to wipe up his nosebleed. What have I gotten myself into? "You can go now. I've gotten enough info."
"All right!" He walked over to the desk and leaned over until his face was a few inched away from the man's. In a soft, sexy whisper he commented, "Wu-man, the guy who was in here before me, is single. He really goes for older men, if you know what I mean..." He smiled innocently and walked out.
'He really goes for older men,' was enough to cause another nosebleed. He finished cleaning himself up right before the next youth came in.
"Hello. Sit down and make yourself comfortable. I'm going to ask you a few questions and I need you to look right here," The young man's face remained emotionless. Or at least what he could see of it did. How in the world did he get his hair to stay like that? "You're walking in the desert when you come upon a tortoise. You flip it over on its back and watch it bake in the sun - "
"I wouldn't. I'd turn it back over."
"Describe in single words your mother."
"Dead."
"You're watching TV when a wasp crawls up your arm."
"I wouldn't be watching TV, but I'd let the wasp out the window."
"While reading a magazine, you come upon a nude pinup of a man..." He could've sworn the boy let a small smirk play on his lips, "Anyway, your wife likes it so much she hangs it up on your bedroom wall."
"I wouldn't be married."
This went on for a good half hour. Almost every answer started with, 'I wouldn't.' Talk about depressing, not to mention boring. His emotionless responses where starting to get on his nerves. He was going to crack soon.
"Ok, ok, ok! You can go now. I have enough information," The boy stood up and strode out the door. As he walked out, the man heard an anxious voice ask the boy for advice.
"Trowa, what should our slogan be? 'Tortoises are torteriffic' or 'Don't desert the desert tortoises'?"
He sighed and buried his head in his hands. The last one was going to come in and then he could leave; he had had enough of these guys. It was only by luck they he noticed the boy sitting in the chair, "How--? I didn't even hear--Umm..." the boy offered no explanations, "Well...I guess we can get started then. If you'll look--"
"Omae o korosu," the man blinked.
"Excuse me? I don't speak Japanese..."
"Omae o korosu," repeated the boy. He then got up and swiftly walked to the door. The boy with the long brown hair pounced upon him as soon as he opened it.
"HEERO! Wasn't that guy weird? I don't know what his problem is. Anyway, Trowa needs our help. Quatre's gonna jump off the building to protest the destruction of tortoises in the desert. I didn't even know there were tortoi--" the door closed behind the couple and the camera could no longer pick up their voices.
*~~~~*
The video ended and the man let out a long sigh, "I- I don't know. They could possibly be replicants. They don't act completely human. I mean....My machine was picking up all this weird information and --"
"So, you couldn't tell."
"Right. Maybe after a second session."
"That won't be necessary."
"Oh, by the way, what does 'omae o korosu' mean?"
"'I'll kill you'," the doctor grinned as the man began to sweat. The other four men grinned as well.
"I guess I'll be going now," the man bowed, placed the video disk on the table, and proceeded to leave. As he opened the door, the boy with the braid handed him a small piece of paper, "What's this?"
"Wu-man's number. Well, gotta go. It sounds as if they didn't give Quatre enough tranquilizer," the boy dashed down a hallway, following the screams.
"I--I need a vacation," the man muttered and exited the building.
The five men began laughing hysterically.
"That was worth the 5000 dollars."
"I agree. Not only was it entertaining, but it proved that we were successful."
"That long training procedure actually worked."
"That's something to be proud of and now we can utilize it in training the next generation."
"It's interesting that one can't tell the difference between our pilots and an android. It has its opportunities."
