The ultimate in infomercials and televangelism.
The following program is paid for by
the Roman Catholic Church,
it does not express the opinions or beliefs
of this network.
Announcer: Tired of spending hours every day on your knees cleaning, only to go to church later on and do the exact same thing? Well, the people of the roman catholic church feel your pain, and have come up with a product to make life easier for all those good catholic men and women out there. We've gotten together Pope John Paul the 2nd and a very special guest host, to tell you all about a new product available at your local church, Papal Towels!
(Cheesy intro music, clips of women cleaning bathrooms, clip of women praying, the two come sliding together, in the center of the screen, papal towels logo comes out from between them and fills screen. Fade out, to camera panning in to the soundstage where pope john Paul is seated on a barstool, behind a kitchen counter, there are several pieces of carpet, a shower stall, the usual cleaning product infomercial setup. In addition to all of this, there is a confessional/church area off to the right.)
Pope: Hey folks, Pope John Paul 2nd here, head of the R&C marketing division. Today I'm here to tell you about a revolutionary new product in the world of absolution. From the makers of the world-renowned "Pope on a Rope", we have a wonderful new invention that not only will make cleaning up around home a breeze, but it will forgive you your carnal sins at the same time!
(Cheers, applause, Cheesy music)
Pope: But don't take my word for it. I know that many of you have had some doubts since the whole "95 theses" incident, especially with that "Diet of worms" incident. Well have no fear, today we're going to dispel those rumors once and for all, I have here my good friend, Martin Luther!
(More cheers, applause, cheesy music)
ML: Hello everybody, Martin Luther here, I just got back from the diet of worms, and boy am I full! (Drum hit laughter). But seriously folks, I've been charged by the lord himself to tell you all about this great new product, Papal Towels! (Cheers, applause)
Now, as you know, the R/C church and I have had our differences in the past, but when a product this spectacular comes along, well, I just have to let bygones be bygones, even if there are 95 of them. (Drum hit, laughter, pope does the "oh you little rascal!" gesture). But hey, enough of that lets tell you good people what this product is all about! (Cheers, applause)
Pope: Now, I know all of you are good, hard working, catholic peoples, and sometimes, no matter how you slice it, you just can't fit a good confessional into the week. Well ladies and gentlemen, fear the fires of hell no longer, because the product I'm telling you about today will cut your praying time in half! (Cheers, applause)
ML: You see, cleanliness is next to godliness, so we figured, why not make the best of both worlds? Since you're on your hands and knees cleaning every week, why not get those sins absolved at the same time? Well, with Papal Towels, our new combination indulgence and super absorbent paper towel, YOU CAN! (Cheers, applause)
Pope: Now, we don't need any fancy testimonials from hard working mothers, we know that you'll have faith (drum hit, laughter). And we've got a very special offer coming up for all of our devoted followers, but first, let's see what Papal towels can do! (Cheers, applause)
ML: If we could, I'd like to get a few or you lovely ladies and gentlemen down here to help demonstrate our product. (Pulls down three audience members) now sir, would you stand by this carpet, ma'am, you by the shower stall, and you dear, by this messy tile floor.
Pope: is everybody ready to see what this amazing product can do?
Audience: YES!
Pope: alrighty then, let's get started! (Cheers, applause)
ML: ok, now I'm sure all of you have come home from a hard day at seminary, only to find that your new, beautiful, deep pile carpet has crud tracked on it. Some grape juice has been spilled in the corner, and one of your little darling pets has left you a present. Well, the r/c church feels your pain, and we're here to do something about it! (Cheers, applause)
Pope: as you can see, there are several dirty areas here on the stage, and the papal towels are working the lords magic on them even as we speak, look at that grape juice stain, it's gone!
Audience: ooooh!
ML: and would you look at this tub surround, it's as shiny as Jesus himself.
Audience: Amen!
ML: yes, papal towels even have enough moral fibers in them to take on the most challenging of tasks, the garage floor!
Audience: ah!
ML: (as garage set rolls into place) you can see from this garage here, that most of them are a dirty place. There's oil spilled on it, whatever that green shit that leaks from your car spilled on it, spilled laundry detergent, sawdust, leaves, and only the good lord knows what else. Now, who thinks this is too much for Papal towels?
Ubermench: I do.
Rest of Audience: boo! Non-believer! Heretic!, Burn him!, Burn him!
ML: Calm down folks, we're not Jesuits here, now sir, you don't think that Papal towels can handle this mess?
Ubermench: no, I don't
ML: well, would you be willing to risk eternal damnation to prove us wrong?
Ubermench: well, since I don't believe in god, and that's he's a philosophical inconsistency (audience boohs), yes, I will, for I am the Ubermench.
ML: (under his breath): damn skeptics. (Into microphone) ok, well, come on down! (Audience cheers as martin Luther says this, then boohs as the Ubermench makes his way down from the risers)
ML: all right, now, since you don't believe in the power of the lord, and thus the power of our papal towels, I'm going to ask you to demonstrate this product for our audience here and at home.
(Ubermench takes a papal towel, looks surprised for a second, and then begins to clean up the mess)
Ubermench: I can't believe it, it's even cleaning up the oil! (Sobbing) I'm sorry, I can't believe I didn't have faith, I'm so sorry (falls to knees in front of ML)
ML it's ok, my child, we all make mistakes. (It's a chick tract moment)
Ubermench: I feel so uplifted, it's as if my soul is weightless. (Stands up, beaming)
ML: yes, well, that's because of the righteous moral fiber woven into each Papal towel, it's this special blend that gives papal towels their unique dual purpose, super absorbent paper towel, and indulgence. Have no fear, my son, your dirty, unenlightened life is behind you now, and your sins have been absolved!
Audience: Amen! (Cheering and hollering, a few fox whistles)
Pope: yes, such is the true power of Papal Towels, let me ask you, if you're going to spend hours on your hands an knees cleaning, why not absolve your sins at the same time?
ML: ok folks, we're gonna take a short break now, but when we get back, we'll tell you about our special offer, and let some more of you fine audience members demonstrate the true power of Papal Towels!
(Cut to commercial, with announcer's voice)
Announcer: Tired of spending hours every day on your knees cleaning, only to go to church later on and do the exact same thing? Greasy grime got you down? Grape juice stains making you grumpy? Red wine spills ruining your day? (Each item accompanied with a video clip of that happening). Well, papal towels can end your woes forever! Utilizing our new exclusive moral fiber interlacing technology (MFIT), we've combined the best of both worlds to bring you the only combination super absorbent paper towel and Indulgence, Papal towels! We're bringing this wonderful new product to you and an unbeatable price. You can get 6 rolls of papal towels for, not $39, $29, no not even $25, yes, you can take advantage of this super special introductory offer for only $19.95!
But wait, there's more, order with in the next 30 minutes, and we'll double the offer, that's 12 rolls of papal towels for only 19.95!
But that's not all! We'll also include our classic, world-renowned personal hygiene product, Pope on a Rope! With pope on a rope, being morally clean is as easy as taking a shower every day, simply wash with pope on a rope and go straight to heaven! Great for parties!
Remember folks, order in the next 30 minutes, and you'll receive 12 rolls of papal towels, the pope on a rope, and, as a special bonus, our operators will even offer you absolution while on the phone!
And if that weren't enough, stay tuned to find out about our super-special bonus offer, and remember, Wipe those sins away with Papal Towels!
(Papal towels intro, cheesy intro music, cut to camera panning down past audience to stage with Pope and ML seated on stools behind the kitchen counter, 4 audience members are on stage, one is holding a gun.
Pope: Over the break, we got four volunteers from the audience to help demonstrate the second feature of our product, The indulgence!
(Cheers, applause)
ML: yes, thanks to our new Moral Fiber Interlacing Technology (MFIT), Papal towels have the Power of a genuine indulgence, simply hold one in your hand, and you can feel your sins absolving as you stand there!** Now, in order to demonstrate this, we have gotten two willing audience members to help. (Walks up to audience members #5&6, #5 is holding a gun) are you ready?
Audience members #5&6: yes
ML (to audience member #6): and you're prepared to give your life for the catholic faith, and become a martyr?
Audience member#6: I am
ML: now don't worry you folks at home, during the break we administered last rights to her, and wiped her down with several Papal Towels, so she is cleansed, and ready for her journey to heaven!
(Audience cheers)
ML: now then, (to audience member #5) I would like you to point the gun at her head, and fire two shots straight into the back of the brain pan, lets not make this a painful death. And don't worry about the mess, I think we've got that covered (drum hit, laughter)
(Audience member 5 does so, and audience member 6 falls to floor, mostly headless, as blood spills out on to the stage)
ML: now, as you have witnessed, Audience member #5 has just committed murder, one of the worst carnal sins, if he were to die now, he would burn for all eternity in the lake of fire. But since we're good folks, we're going to save him, right?
Audience: Right!
ML: ok, now, audience member #5, please take a papal towel into your hands, and just relax, as the power of the lord cleanses you of your carnal sins.
(Audience member #5 does so, he starts shaking, and begins speaking in tongues, finally, he slumps to the floor, beaming and obviously feeling better about himself, his sins absolved)
ML (referring to #5's antics): must be a Pentecostal. No matter, how about a hand for our volunteers! (Audience cheers and applauds heavily)
Pope: Now, I'm asking you, how much would you pay for a product this enlightening, this revolutionary? $39, no, $29, not even close! $25, guess again, my friend, yes, you can get 6 rolls of papal towels for only $19.95!(audience cheers wildly)
Pope: and we'll throw in our famous product, Pope on a Rope! Wash with it and go straight to heaven, and besides, it looks like me! But wait, there's more. If you call in the next 30 minutes, we'll Double your order! That's 12 yes 12 rolls of papal towels, AND the world-famous Pope on a Rope, for only $19.95! Now, if all that weren't enough, while your order is being processed, we'll have our operators give you absolution at no additional charge!
ML: and, as a special bonus, we're offering a super special, introductory offer, just accept Christ into your heart, and attend a Sunday mass, and we'll send you a roll of Papal towels* completely free, as our way of saying thanks for deciding to live a life of Christian salvation.
* One standard size roll of papal towels per soul, offer good only while supplies last
** Larger sins may require more than one Papal Towel, or the recitation of a Hail Mary.
property of rhys dawson, please don't steal this and claim it as your own, you may, however, print it off and laugh at it
"pope on a rope" is from good morning vietnam, starring robin williams, from some big movie company,from awhile ago, i dunno, go to your local blockbuster and look for it in the comedies section, they'll have it.
