[arizona_humor] For those over 39!
I used to have Saturday Night Fever... Now I just have Saturday Night hot flashes.
Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old... as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.
The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age.. But they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up.
Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
-----------------

It is well documented that for every minute you exercise, you add a minute to your life. This enables you, at 85 years of age, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month!

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is!

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.

--------------------------------------------------
"My Dad was cleaning out my grandmother's house and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.
I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something.
I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old."
****************************************** How Many Do You Remember??
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor
Ignition switches on the dashboard
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall
Real ice boxes [Ask your Mom about that]
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
*****************************************
Older Than Dirt Quiz
Count all the ones that you remember -- not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes,br> 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottle
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packard's
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered
0- 05 = You're still young
6-10 = You are getting older
11-15 = Don't tell your age,
16-25 = You're older than dirt!
------------------------------------

[arizona_humor] HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle." An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away!

--Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea

-------------------------------------------------------

Older Women: If you didn't love Andy Rooney before, this may change your mind!

Andy Rooney says:

"As I grow in age, I value older women most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a damn what you might think about her.

An older single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relation-ships" and "commitment." The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover!

Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness and are generous with praise, often undeserved.

An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Older women couldn't care less.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They always know.

An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one.

Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 70 there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize for all of us. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to appreciate the exquisite woman you've become, without the distraction of some demanding old man clinging and whining his way into your serenity."

signed: Andy Rooney
-----------------------------------------------------

"I'm going to live forever, or die trying." -Unknown

I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers. One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:
"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."
------

You know you're old if you can remember when bacon, eggs and sunshine were good for you.

I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. "I know it's something you want," he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing. As long as you're living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes."
I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness.
Then came the 'coup de grace': "Besides, Mom, you're 75 years old! You don't NEED a tattoo!"
--

In the admitting office of our hospital, some patients were filling out forms, others were being interviewed and still others were being escorted to their rooms. An elderly woman hesitantly entered my cubicle. She had completed her admitting forms and, upon my request, handed me her insurance cards.
I typed the necessary information and then asked her the reason for her coming to the hospital. "Just to visit a friend," she said, "but I'm not sure I have time now."

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where I work, I ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, I print it on an allergy band placed on the patient's wrists.
Once when I asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn't eat bananas. Imagine my surprise when several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses' station demanding, "Who's responsible for labeling my mother 'bananas'?"

David's wife is mad at him, because he forgot her birthday.
Quick-witted, David says, "Sweetheart, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"

[arizona_humor] Eternal Youth: The police recently busted a man selling pills which he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fourth time he was caught for doing this.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856 and 1928...........

A 82 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. The doctor cautioned him about his age and sent him home with a lecture on the proper lifestyle. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit, the doctor said to the man, "You must really be doing great!"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur. Be careful!"

ABC's of Aging
A is for arthritis
B is for bad back
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L is for libido--what happened to sex? Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time
(But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my M-memory from time to time)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill and I'll be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my increasing medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word "terminal" also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet found
X is for X ray--and what one might find
Y is for year (another one I'm still alive)
so Z is for zest
For surviving the symptoms my body's deployed, And keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed. -Submitted by Thelly at the beach
----------------

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding.
They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress. Nancy replied, "Silver."
At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep silver...to match her hair."
Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said, "So John, I guess you are going barefoot."

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, ...it doesn't matter. Mark Twain

Age only matters if you're cheese and wine. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway... The good fortune to run into the ones I do... And the eyesight to tell the difference!

He who laughs, lasts.

I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.

=============================================
A Few of My Favorite Things: Julie Andrews is reported to have done a concert for AARP, at which she sang her hit from the Sound of Music, but the words were changed. Here are the new words to that tune:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinin,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
======================================================

I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

If I knew I was going to get this old, I would have taken better care of myself when I was young.

If you laugh a lot, when you get older your wrinkles will be in the right places.

Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9:00 pm.

My grandson asked me if I still look at young women, I said yes, but I can't remember why.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

The big thing today is computer dating. If you don't know how to run a computer it really dates you.

The golden years: When actions creak louder than words.

There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that twenty years or so won't cure.

The older you get, the better you get (unless you're a banana)-----------

"Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory." --Franklin Pierce Adams

A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After being sworn in the lawyer asked him to explain what happened.
After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case,"...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."
"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" Said the lawyer.
"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."