Memorable Quotes

Buffy Summers: We have a marching jazz band?
Daniel "Oz" Osbourne: Yeah, but, you know, since the best jazz is improvisational, we'd be going off in all directions, banging into floats... scary.

Willow Rosenberg: I knew it! I knew it! Well, not in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know.

Spike: You didn't tell me. You brought her back and you didn't tell me.
Xander: Well, now you know.
Spike: I worked beside you all summer.
Xander: We didn't tell you. It was just... we didn't, okay?

Buffy Summers: . . .And you do remember you're a vampire right?

[To Glory]
Spike: Yeah ... but it was fun. And guess what, bitch. I'm not telling you jack. You're never gonna get your sodding key, 'cause you might be strong, but in our world, you're an idiot.
Glory: I'm a god.
Spike: The god of what, bad home perms?
Glory: Shut up! I command you to shut up!
Spike: Yeah, okay, sorry, but I just had no idea that gods were such prancing lightweights. Mark my words, the Slayer ... is going to kick your skanky, lopsided ass back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion victim ex-god like you.

Spike: We like to talk big. Vampires do. 'I'm going to destroy the world.' That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision.

[To Buffy]
Spike: Dru bagged a slayer? She never told me. Good for her! Though not from your perspective, I suppose.

Cordelia Chase: We came here to do the thing I can never tell my father about because he still thinks I'm a good girl.

Spike: I'm a vampire. I know something about evil. You're not evil.
Dawn Summers: Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I'm not evil but I don't think I can be good.
Spike: Well, I'm not good and I'm okay.

Buffy Summers: Spike!
Spike: Hi, Buffy.
Buffy Summers: Look, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but . . (punches him)What are you doing here? Five words or less.
Spike: Out. For. A. Walk. Bitch.
Buffy Summers: Outside my house. At night. No one has time for this, William.
Spike: On your merry way, then. Contrary to one self-involved world view, your house happens to be directly between . . parts . . and other parts of this town. And I would pass by in the day, but I feel I'm outgrowing my whole burst-into-flame phase.
Buffy Summers: Fine. Keep going, I cut you a break.
Spike: Yeah, okay, let me guess - you won't kill me? Ooh, the crowd pleasing threats and swagger routine - how stunningly original. I'm just passing through. Satisfied? I really do hope so, because God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard and I never really liked you anyway and . . you have stupid hair.

Faith: Five By Five

Willow Rosenberg: Don't worry, we're sure to spot Faith first. She's like this cleavagey slutbomb walking around going, 'Ooh, check me out, I'm wicked cool, I'm five by five'.
Tara Maclay: Five by five? Five what by five what?
Willow Rosenberg: See, that's the thing. No one knows.

Cordelia Chase: Buffy, it's like we're sisters. With really different hair.

Larry: I would love to get me some of that Buffy and Willow action, if you know what I mean.
Daniel "Oz" Osbourne: That's great, Larry, you've really mastered the single entendre.

Anya Emerson: Well, at first it was confusing. Just the idea of computers was like, whoa, I'm eleven hundred years old. I had trouble adjusting to the idea of Lutherans.
Tara Maclay: I go online sometimes, but everyone's spelling is really bad, and it's depressing.

Buffy Summers: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader you were bad, when you tried to chair the homecoming committee you were really bad, but when you try to be bad, you suck!

Kendra: He's lying to us.
Buffy Summers: That's really good percepto girl, but we're not gonna get much outta him if he's oh, say, unconscious!

Ted Buchanan: . . .You're such a pretty girl, the boys must be swarming.
Buffy Summers: No, not really.
Willow Rosenberg: Besides . . .she's only interested in . . .her studies! Book-cracker Buffy, that's what we say!

Buffy Summers: See, that's my secret to attracting men. You know, it's simple, really. You slap 'em around a bit, you torture 'em, you make their lives a living hell, and sure, the nice guys, they'll run away, but every now and then you'll come across a real prince of a guy like Spike who gets off on it.

Willow Rosenberg: Buffy's like my best friend, and she's really special, plus, you know, a Slayer, that's a deal, and there's the whole bunch of us, and we have this group thing that kind of revolves around the slaying and I really want you to meet them and meet Buffy but I just sort of like having something that's just, you know, mine. I don't usually use that many words to say stuff that little. But do you get it at all?
Tara Maclay: I do.
Willow Rosenberg: Well, I should check in with Giles, get a situation update.
Tara Maclay: I am, you know.
Willow Rosenberg: What?
Tara Maclay: Yours.

[after Percy calls her a nerd]
Willow Rosenberg: Of course, the Percy thing isn't really important, it's the dead guy on the bed.

Spike: Drink?
Buffy Summers: A world of no! So any idea what's causing this?
Spike: Oh! So that's odd. You've just come to pump me for information?
Buffy Summers: What else would I want to pump you for? I really just said that, didn't I?

Buffy Summers: "I was happy. Wherever I was... I was happy.. at peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was alright. I knew it. Time didn't mean anything. Nothing had form. But I was still me, you know? And I was warm, and I was loved, and I was finished. Complete. I - I don't understand theology or dimensions, any of it really... but I think I was in heaven. And now I'm not. I was torn out of there, pulled out, by my friends. Everything here is hard and bright and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch, this is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that, knowing what I've lost. They can never know. Never."

Joyce Summers: "This is not a good town. How many of us have lost someone who just... disappeared or got skinned or suffered 'neck rupture'?! And how many of us have been to afraid to speak out? I was supposed to lead us in a moment of silence. But silence is this town's disease. For too long it has been plagued by unnatural evils. It's not our town anymore. It belongs to the monsters, to the witches and Slayers."

Spike: Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day. That final gasp. That look of peace. Part of you is desperate to know: What's it like? Where does it lead you? And now you see, that's the secret.

Anya Emerson: We're just kinda thrown by the, you having sex with Spike.
Buffy Summers: The who whatting how with huh?
Anya Emerson: Okay, that's denial. That comes before anger.
Buffy Summers: I am not having sex with Spike!
Anya Emerson: Anger.
Xander: No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled...
Buffy Summers: I am not having sex with Spike, but I'm starting to think you are.

Spike: Shouldn't you be tucked away in your beddy-bye all warm where nothing can eat you?
Dawn Summers: Is that supposed to scare me?
Spike: Little tremble wouldn't hurt.
Dawn Summers: Sorry, it's just that, I'm badder than you.
Spike: Are not!
Dawn Summers: Am too, your standing in the bushes hugging a bent box of chocolates, and I'm....
Spike: What? sneaking out to braid hair and watch Teletubbies with your mates?

Anya Emerson: I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's... there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And Xander's crying and not talking. And I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever. And she'll never have eggs or yawn or brush her hair. Not ever. And no one will explain to me why.

Spike: The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back making googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave.
Buffy Summers: I don't know what you're talking about.
Spike: Oh, yeah. You're just friends.
Angel: That's right.
Spike: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other.

Buffy Summers: Well, I'm not exactly quaking in my stylish yet affordable boots, but there's definitely something unnatural going on here, and that doesn't usually lead to hugs and puppies.

Jenny Calendar: Well, you really are an old-fashioned boy, aren't you?
Rupert Giles: Well, I don't dangle a corkscrew from my ear.
Jenny Calendar: That's not where I dangle it.

[To Giles]
Cordelia Chase: God, you really were the little youthful offender. You must just look back at that and cringe.

[on the stupidity of the vampire worshippers]
Buffy Summers: Spike and all of his friends are going to be pigging out at the All You Can Eat Moron Bar.

Buffy Summers: I told you. I'm a vampire slayer.
Joyce Summers: Well I just don't accept that.

Angel: Why are you riding me?
Buffy Summers: Because I don't trust you. You're a vampire. Or is that an offensive term? Should I say 'undead American'?

Kendra: Who are you?
Buffy Summers: You attacked me, who the hell are you?

Willow Rosenberg: Our friends are in trouble. Now we have to put our heads together and get them out of it. And if you two aren't with me a hundred and ten percent, [Shouting] then get the hell out of my library!
Cordelia Chase: We're sorry
Xander: We'll be good

Spike: Are you tripping? I told you not to bring her in here!

Angel: You're going to Hell!
Buffy Summers: Save me a seat.

Buffy Summers: Can you vague that up for me?

Spike: "And my robot?"
Buffy Summers: "The robot is gone. The robot was gross and obscene."
Spike: "It wasn't supposed to-"
Buffy Summers: "Don't. That... thing, it... it wasn't even real. What you did, for me, and Dawn... that was real. I won't forget it."

Ben: She nearly killed me.
Rupert Giles: No she couldn't. She's a hero, you see - she's not like us.
Ben: Us?

Joyce Summers: I think we're just about ready for pie.
Xander: Then I'll be pretty much ready for barf.
Buffy Summers: "Xander!"
Xander: No, no, barf from the eating. 'Cause all was good, and too much goodness...
Joyce Summers: I'm taking it as a compliment.

Joyce Summers: I...love...what you've neglected to do with the place.

Glory: Funny. 'Cause I look around at this world you're so eager to be a part of ... and all I see is six billion lunatics looking for the fastest ride out. Who's not crazy? Look around. Everyone's drinking, smoking, shooting up ... shooting each other, or just plain screwing their brains out 'cause they don't want 'em anymore. *I'm* crazy? Honey, I'm the original one-eyed chicklet in the kingdom of the blind. 'Cause at least I admit the world makes me nuts.

[Spike is chained to the ceiling by Glory]
Spike: Mark my words. The Slayer is going to kick your skanky, lopsided ass back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion victim, ex-god like you!
[Glory kicks Spike through a wall]
Spike: Oh great plan Spike!

Willow Rosenberg: I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah, 1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.
Buffy Summers: Meow!
Willow Rosenberg: Really? Thanks. I've never gotten a "meow" before.

[To Cordelia]
Buffy Summers: Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron.

Cordelia Chase: When did you become Martha Stewart?
Buffy Summers: First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto.
Xander: I don't believe she slays, either.
Daniel "Oz" Osbourne: Oh, I hear she can, but she doesn't like to.

Faith: I've had my share of losers, but you -- you boinked the undead.

Faith: When I'm fighting, it's like the whole world goes away. I only know one thing: that I'm gonna win, and they're gonna lose. I *like* that feeling.
Buffy Summers: Well sure, beats that "dead" feeling you get when they win and *you* lose.

Faith: You can't trust guys.
Buffy Summers: You can trust some guys. Really, I've read about them.

Buffy Summers: I just wanna get my life back, you know? Do normal stuff.
Willow Rosenberg: Like date?
Buffy Summers: Well...
Xander: Aw, you wanna date. I saw that half-smile, you little slut.
[Buffy punches him on the arm]
Xander: Ow.
Buffy Summers: All right... yes, date, and hang out and go to school and save the world from unspeakable deamons. You know, I wanna do girlie stuff.

Buffy Summers: Mom, dead people are talking to you. Do the math!

Buffy Summers: Oh, no... I have to go take an English make-up exam. They give you credit just for speaking it, right?

Buffy Summers: What are you guys talking about?
Daniel "Oz" Osbourne: Oddly enough, your boyfriend. Again.
Buffy Summers: He's not my boyfriend. Really and truly, he's... I don't know. Are we cool?
Xander: Yeah. Just, seeing the two of you kissing, after everything that happened... I leaned toward the postal. But I trust you.
Cordelia Chase: I don't. Just for the record.

Willow Rosenberg: Maybe we shouldn't be too coupley around Buffy.
Cordelia Chase: Oh, you mean 'cause of how the only guy that ever liked her turned into a vicious killer and had to be put down like a dog?
Xander: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell, or what?

Anya Emerson: I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace.
Willow Rosenberg: Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in hell?

Buffy Summers: Do you remember that demon that almost got out the night I died?
Willow Rosenberg: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.

Buffy Summers: Hey! Look at us. We came up with a plan, a good plan.

Buffy Summers: I can't believe you got into Oxford!
Willow Rosenberg: It's pretty exciting.
Daniel "Oz" Osbourne: That's some deep academia there.
Buffy Summers: That's where they make Gileses!
Willow Rosenberg: I know! I can learn, and have scones!

Buffy Summers: What should we do with the trio over here? Should we burn them?
Willow Rosenberg: I brought marshmallows.

Daniel "Oz" Osbourne: Sometimes when I'm sitting in class... you know, I'm not thinking about class 'cause that would never happen... I think about kissing you. And it's like everything stops, it's like, freeze frame: Willow kissage.

Willow Rosenberg: I'm a bloodsucking fiend! Look at my outfit!

Spike: Where have you been pet?
Drusilla: I went for a walk. I met an old man. I didn't like him, he got stuck in my teeth.

Xander: Willow, did you remember to tape "Biography" last Friday?
Willow Rosenberg: Uh huh.
Buffy Summers: See? I told you... old reliable.
Willow Rosenberg: Oh, thanks.
Buffy Summers: What?
Willow Rosenberg: "Old reliable"? Yeah, there's a sexy nickname.
Buffy Summers: I-I didn't mean it as--
Willow Rosenberg: No, it's fine. I'm "old reliable."
Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
Willow Rosenberg: That's Old Faithful.
Xander: Isn't that the dog that the guy had to shoot--
Willow Rosenberg: That's Old *Yeller*.
Buffy Summers: Xander, I beg you not to help me.
-------
Anya Emerson: Listen, I have this little project I'm working on, and I heard you were the person to ask if--
Willow Rosenberg: Yeah, that's me. Reliable dog-geyser-person.

Anya Emerson: What a day. Gimme a beer.
Bartender: ID.
[Anya glares at him.]
Bartender: ID.
Anya Emerson: I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old! Just gimme a frickin' beer!
Bartender: ID.
Anya Emerson: [sigh] Gimme a Coke.

Vamp Willow: This world's no fun.
Willow Rosenberg: You noticed that, too?

[Looking at the vampire version of herself from an alternate reality.]
Willow Rosenberg: That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil, and skanky... and I think I'm kinda gay.